OH YEH OH YEH OH YEH! GIVE IT TO ME BABY! I PASSED MY DRIVING! ahhahahahaha! I got to use my nice passport photo! oh yeh oh yeh oh yeh. Anyway, i was really very scared before my test. My legs were like shaking even when i was drving. And it was made worse because the got the same tester that failed me the 1st time!!!! thank goodness he didn't recognise me. Phew. I think i called the entire world to tell them i passed. Well... all but one... didn't manage scream it to dennis cause he's rather far away.. but nvm.. when he reads this he'll know. hee. Specail thanks to Yuhang for being there to support me!!! And lending me his luck! He passed yesterday... 1st time. Cool stuff! Went to Parkway to eat with Yuhang.. then when he left, went to meet ling and Wynn. And we were being rather retarded... as usual. Fun!
But my day didn't start off too good. My Mmic is going badly... I'm really stuck. I don't know what to do.. and people are not being too helpful. But maybe i'm just stupid. I have no idea my report is going to be about. I don't know how to even do it. CRAP. It really sucks. I hate school! just 3 more weeks... TAHAN! Yarh... just tahan awhile more.. and then i'll get to fly down under.... tahan..........
Hmm... I met up with Jac yesterday for dinner. It was cool... just sit down and chat. We're sooooo different.. but somehow, we never run out of things to say. Cool huh. I miss Nat, feel like i haven't seen her in so long. Weird. Hahaha. I'll drive down to her house for prata with her sometime... when i have the guts.
Know arh... My nails cannot grow long. They keep breaking!!!! So agonizing. I can't polish them nice nice now. Shucks. One of my joys has just been taken away from me... *sob* Nvm, i'm usually too tired to concentrate and polish my nails. sounds bad huh. I'm too tired to even be frivolous! Hmm...
Alright, i think my life is getting mundane. I have less to write about these days. Think everything is just getting dull. I think only have about half a million projects to do larh. Argh! Hate it.. just hate it. Is it monday tomorrow... i usually feel quite shit when mondays come.. i think it's school blues. shitters. I need to find the spark.... If anyone finds it... please let me know yarh...? I'll just sulk in the meantime.
ok... TV!!!! American idol is on now!

Oooohhh... I'm so full and sleepy.... But i got to do work. Sian. Nvm... it's still early. Hee hee. Took my super expensive passport photo today... i better pass my driving on wednesday so i can use it man. Otherwise i'll really bang my head on the wall. Pray i don't mount any kerbs. eek!
Anyway, i had to go to church alone today... szeling abandoned me. Had to take sunday school myself, go for service myself. NO FRIEND! But by coincidence, i met Reynard in church, so i sat with him... so i had friend already. haha. Was so good to see him. He's having block leave now. Then because Donnavan was so nice as to sacrifice his sunday to be my friend cause i got no friend. Haha. He waited for me so patiently for me to eat lunch, so patiently for me to take photo and sent me home in a cab, and paid for pool. Haiz.. made me feel so bad. Especailly when he waited for me to have my photo taken. And he told me the photo looked nice when my eyes are missing. So nice of him.
I watched 'My Girl' in the movies yesterday with Don too... it's so nice... funny and super sweet! Then i cry and cry. Everytime i watch movie with Don and i cry, he ALWAYS laugh at me. Not funny what... chey. There are sooo many movies coming up that i want to watch. Got to start digging money and booking people to watch with me. Everyone seems so busy lately. Man, i'm quite scared suddenly.. my driving test is coming.... i dun wanna fail!!! Waste time, waste money.
Talk about money, going to court because of that stupid woman. I don't know what's the point... but as they say... stay out of adult affairs. Stupid woman. Can't stand her. But then, my sister thinks i've been too stressed lately.. so she suggested a trip to bintan for a break. And my papa was so nice and generous to agree. YAY! going next saturday... but only one night... better than nothing! Can't wait can't wait!
It's sunday... haven't spoken to dennis the entire week. Quite amazing. i can't remember the last time i didn't talk to him the entire week. Oh well. Just hope he's fine. mmz. ok... got lab test tomorrow. sian. biochem. sian. claculations. sian. Monday is suck a sucky day. *bleahz* Hope this week goes well... driving test and all... scared!

Just got home from school. It was raining so heavily, with the lightning and thunder. I was rather sad. Was wishing that i had someone to grab on to... but both don and alden left me in the lab and went home 1st. Nvm, there was still fiona around doing lab with me. We finally got somewhere with our lab... i don't know if we're going in the right direction, but hopefully we are. I used my brain to think up our "strategy". So hopefully my brain is functional... otherwise we're both quite dead. But now i'm feeling quite sick.. after breathing in the smell of agar and microbes. It just irks the system. Had Mbio lab this morning.. and as usual... i didn't get up from my seat. I am such a slacker... and i'm lovin it. haha
Esther and Fenny are coming over tonight... think we're going to lim jiu at the pool side, under the stars. Haha... actually it sounds quite low class right...? But aiyah... it's the company. Hopefully there'll be a nice moon tonight... i haven't seen a nice moon in an awfully long time. Maybe i just haven't been in the mood to appreciate it. *shrugz*
HMM... i'm HUNGRY! Wonder what's for dinner... yummy. Orite... i think i will pinch off the dinner platter. Tummy's growling... not the kind that can go hungry. haha. Explains alot huh...? FOOD!

You know the feeling when you're feeling like a lump of lard...? Yeh, i'm feeling exactly like that now. Spent yesterday and today eating. I just eat and eat and eat... forgetting that the people i'm eating with, unlike me, don't put on weight. Darn it. Anyway, my Mmic test was BAD. The absolute pits. Out of 2 questions, I only complete about half of 1 qeustion. And i didn't even know how to do it. Just bluffing my way through it. I think i'm going to fail real horribly. It was a long day yesterday, was super tired and grouchy after school, but i was persuaded by my clique to go to NEWTON for seafood. I live in Simei. It's rather far. Plus the fact that i am broke and food at newton is overpriced wasn't much of a pull factor. But i didn't regret going larh. It was nice. Sat down and talked and laughed, sounding like a bunch of bimbos... and everyone looked soooooooooo good. Which reminded me of how fat and ugly i am... crap. Especailly vanessa... man, my jaw dropped. Can't imagine how different she was in sec school. Mind blowing i tell you. But when she starts talking... and walking... aiyah. she's still the same samseng. haha. The food was good... the company was good. But i was super zonked. After dinner, went over to Nat's house to watch american idol. I was so super tired, Nat asked me not to die... otherwise the taxi uncle drve me to malaysia i also don't know. Heh, cab fare cost me 19 bucks... the most expensive cab fare i've ever paid for. Do you hear the sound of money flying out the window...??? EAT GRASS.
Yarh, anyway, Esther called me yesterday for a heart to heart chat. Think it's a hard time for her to pass by herself now. And i can understand the agony she's going through. Kinda reminded me of myself when all the shit began. Girl, i know the pain is real and it's super hard to pull through. But don't hang on for too long. Don't destroy yourself for something that isn't going to matter in time to come. I know you can do it... but you know that you can always lean on me... i'm only a call away. ANYTHING... just give me a ring.
Sometimes people ask me where i get my strength from, after being pulled into 1 hole after another. Well, i guess it boils down to what kind person i want to be... and what kinda friend i want to be. I don't know... But yeh, those who are feeling rotten now... just know that you're never alone. For one, i'm always only a call away, even at 4am in the morning yarh...?
Eh... anyway, on a happier note, i just got home from being out with Nat. Went to the driving centre for Nat's theory test. She said it wasn't too great. But who knows man, maybe by some tyco chance.. sometimes luck plays a part. Went to my granny's place there to have dinner... but had to use the loo... so went to my granny's house to say hello and use toilet. Sheyanne gave Nat a hug... and didn't give me one. No fair! Must be i not pretty enough. Bet if Dennis were there... she'd only have eyes for him. haha. Was complaining to Nat about my horrible plate resutls for my lab. Crap.
My Mmic lab project is going to he terrible. Fiona and I are equally blur about what to do... which is bad. Cause i am a complete slacker when it comes to work. Then i was so frustrated and irritated in the lab today cause i dodn't know what to do next and why people see the bacteria as cocci but i see rods..????? man.. was soooooo out of sorts. Lucky met wynn and ling for lunch... lifted my sprits alittle. It's been a loooooonnnnng week. Can't wait for the weekend. Need to sleep. Friday tomorrow... friday classes suck to the core. Have to stay back to do my Mmic lab again. SUCKS! oh well... as they say.. cest la vie!

Fistly, special thank to Alvin for uploading the picture for me. It's a picture of my most favourite people in the world. ok... clockwise from the left, Nat, Szeling, Wynn, dawn and Dennis. mmz. One of my favourite photos. hee hee.
Anyway Alvin, I do hope you're feeling less distraught and confused. You know that you can always call me to talk, if you need an opinion, or a listening ear or just some encouragement. I don't promise to tell you what you want to hear, but i promise to listen as best as i can. Yarh, but don't let a person of the past bring you down. It really sucks. I know how it is. Your best friend is here yarh..? Just yell.
MCT test today was BAD. Out of 8 questions.. i knew how to do like... about.... NONE. I was just crapping the whole way through. Mmic test is postponed to tomorrow. I was like the only person who didn't know. Alden didn't tell me.... this kinda friend. Wah lao. I brought my notes and my textbook to school! It's so heavy! And then told me the test postponed. Lucky donnavan let me put my text in his locker... so heavy. YARH! and my slipper theory works ok! I was wearing slippers today, and it rained!! Not to say that's a good thing.. cause one of the suckiest things is to walk in rain with slippers.
Went to my granny's house to teach my cousin. Man, when kids are good... they're soooo sweet. When they're naughty.... it's really.. "oh my goodness!" I was sitting down with 3 of my little cousins either on my lab or beside me... telling them story... they were good and sweet. Then i walked away.. and they started fighting... then 1 cry, all cry! AIYOH! So coax one.. must coax all. Tiring man... crying kids are hard to handle. Then when they all finish crying, we all went outside together to watch cartoon... Kim possible. And yarh.. they were good again.. all wrapped around me.. watching cartoon. Kids.. can't make up my mind about them. But i think i'm quite good with them leh. *shrugz* Felt so old taking care of them... age gap of at least 13 years man.
Argh, i have Lab at 8 tomorrow morning. I really don't like lab.... plus it's biological samples tomorrow... hate it. Nvm, hopefully i'll lose my apetite then i won't need to eat. *bleahz* Then there's the postponed Mmic test tomorrow. I think it'll be difficult. They're just out to kill us. Szeling just reminded me that i have to study really hard for my up coming exams... otherwise i won't be able to go on my trip.yeh.. once i get my projects and assignments out of the way... i really should sit down and study. Especially Mbio and biochem. Those 2 are the ones that will probably get me down. At the fine boderline for both those 2. I think because both of them are concept based. I CANNOT catch concepts. Just can't get it. I can't visualise things... concepts suck. I'm really slack this sem. I don't think i've ever been this slack. I should really pull up my socks. Say only. Everytime only know how to say. Chey.
ok.... i'm actually rather sleepy... i think i should sleep now... otherwise i'll end up taking a cab to school tomorrow again. Alright.. i'm going to scoot off to bed now. sleep is good. Got to burn midnight oil tomorrow night and thursday night... do report again. Nat, remember to study well for advance theory ok..??? Orite. Night all!

Ok... i just woke up from a 4 hour afternoon nap. I am so screwed. I was supposed to study for 1 of my 2 tests in the afternoon and i just slpet like it's a holiday. Looks like i've got to burn midnight oil again tonight and skip lectures again tomorrow morning and just go for my test. Going to be missing my analytical biochem lecture again. I think i haven't gone for that subject lecutre for a really long time. Good luck to me passing the subject. *bleahz*
Went to school technically for 1 hour of tutorial only today. All my other classes were cancelled. Which is actually a good thing cause i was really sleepy. But i had to attend two project meetings today. More work to do, more reports to write. argh. Hoping all will end soon. I think this has probably been one of the best mondays since school started. No classes, wear pajamas as usual, got to come home early... good good. But of course not forgetting that i have 2 tests up tomorrow. crap. But yarh, the weekend went well... so i wasn't so grumpy today.
Bounced *ahem* over to the Australian study fair on saturday with Nat and my family. It's all very exciting, and honestly, i really can't wait to go. So envious of those who may just pack up and leave in july or something. But i think i'm more confused now then ever as to where i wanna go and what i wanna study. My heart wants to go to melbourne, but i brain is telling me to go to perth. Aiyah. After all. It's going to be at least another 2 years. I'll probably make a last min decision. Hmm. Sounds familiar. But it was my papa's birthday, so my family together with Nat went to have dinner at Outback steak house. Australian style. Haha. What's up with the whole australia thing man? Dinner was so much more fun for me cause Nat was there. Then we had gelare... although i was quite bursting out of my jeans already, but there's always room for gelare. hee hee. Slept late on saturday cause was chatting online and laughing to myself at about 2am in the morning. Talking to Ling, Wynn and Dennis. Plans of setting up a childcare centre and then changing it to a character moulding facility. Where the girls will learn how to spend all their husbands money and the boys will be taught how not to be scum. All these must start teaching at a young age see. Was really laughing to myself. How idiotic is that. But nvm, i know szeling was doing the same thing. haha.
Didn't go to church on sunday though, cause szeling had to work, not keen on going myself. Met her for lunch at tampines mall, and it felt so good cause 1 week of bread and water paid off. hee. Sat down and talked about unis and stuff. There's this degree that suits her well. Though it's a 6 year course, but i think it's a really good degree to hold. It's in Monash uni in melbourne, where dennis is studying also. The 2 of them can be friend. mmz. But she was just telling me about how her mother says that girls too smart hard to marry off, so don't need to go uni. I think it's more brave NOT to go to uni rather than actually going. *shrugz* i don't know, everything is subjective. Anyway, i really think she should consider it. Good prospects. Anyway, after lunch, i came home and did some work. I had a heam take home quiz, so i was trying to do it. Was quite confused over the answer, so i called alden to ask his opinion, and we kinda engaged in a debate... and he won me over, so i chose his answer over mine. Man, i hope it's the right answer. After dinner, was doing research on bioengineered skin and my heam stuff. Then dennis was so nice to call for a chat. So i talk talk talk talk talk, the poor boy must have been dosing off listening to me, considering what time it was. But it ended my day so well. I love talking. haha. After we put down, i continued with my work until about 3.30, then i was so sleepy, i just went to sleep and woke up to a monday.
OH! Tarek Jared called me at like 12am! to ask me how to JOG fromm SIMEI to PASIR RIS! it's RATHER far! and i told him his was mad. Then he told me that he had actually JOGGED from SERANGOON to SIMEI! He's completely lost his marbles i tell you. COMPLETELY lost it. Man, i wouldn't even jog from my house to east point! But then again, that's just me. Hee hee.
Ok, i have to go for dinner now. Wonder if Wynn passed her driving test. *glup* Mine's next week. So scary... again. I think wynn passed larh. She's so Zai wan. Orite, HAVE to study after dinner. MUST! cannot fail... cannot. Doing rather badly this sem already. OK, will tell how the test goes. Both of them. shucks. ok.. dinner time!!!

Here's what i got out of the April issue of Elle magazine. " Men never like to talk about problems. Women always do. Men see 'the silent treatment' as peaceful times. Women see it as punishment. Men relate temper tantrums to PMS and keep away. Women relate tantrums to getting attention. Men think flatulence is hilarious and entertaining. Women think it's an embarrassing biological occurence. Men see vulnerability as riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Women see vulnerability as a big step towards sharing their innermost feelings." As they say, men are from mars and women are from venus.
I met douglas for coffee today.. he was 40mins late. Sat down, spent 5 bucks on coffee and people watched until he arrived. I haven't had a conversation with him in about 3 years. And today i remembered why. He makes me feel really stupid. But he also gave me alot to think about. Shucks. He was basically asking me what i want out of my life, what i'm going to do with my life, what my dreams were and what do i spend time doing. I couldn't answer ANYTHING. I think he just made me realise that i have no locus in my life. I realised that i've no sense of direction, i've lost interest in everything, lost my dreams, lost my faith. I felt so clueless and stupid... all i said was " huh... i don't know." He asked me what i was planning to do in uni and i said.. "uh.. i haven't decided." Then he asked me where i was planning to study.. "this one i know... australia." Then he asked me.. which state i was going.. and i said "uh... i haven't decided." Then he asked me when i was going... and i said.. "uh... i don't know." Did i sound like a moron or what? Then he asked me if i was happy.. and i said.. "uh... i don't know." Then he asked me if i was UNhappy.. and i said "i don't know." I think i was quite irritating him.. he must be thinking i'm some lost sheep. Then he asked me... "what makes you happy..?" I COULDN'T EVEN ANSWER THAT! i was thinking and thinking, then he picked up a call.. talked for about 2 mins and i was still thinking.. then he asked me.. "done with thinking.." and all i could say was... "i don't know." Man! i felt so stupid! And i was probably depressing him too. Aiyah. why like that...??
Anyway, i rushed down to meet Ling and Wynn at suntec for the study fair thingy... but it was closed by the time i got there. Cause douglas was 40 mins late, so everything was pushed back. But i think the fair gave the 2 of them something to think about. My turn tomorrow. Szeling looked sooo nice today. MMz. So pretty. yarh... i was with wynn eating dinner alone, ling had to meet her mum.. and we just talked and talked and talked. It felt so comfortable, like i've known her for a long time. Was nice talking to her. She was able to share my annoyance over a certain issue. *ahem*
My test was not good at all. Think i'm going to get 5 out of 30. I didn't know how to do.. and tutor was saying that it's really easy... i'll really be proven retarded if i fail it man. Was sitting next to donnavan during the test and he was blowing his nose... so poor thing. My poor gay partner. Should bring tissue for him.
Yarh, she managed to get me gritting my teeth again today. Feel like something is being taken from me. For once i would like to have something exclusive. Sometimes i really hate sharing. Feeling quite constipated about it actually. Just managed to swallow the tuesday experience and i got choked again today. It's not her larh.. it's me. Just being petty and selfish and sensitive and spiteful. =P
Ok, i still have no money despite not spending money in school. Been eating home made sandwich and drinking waterbottle water this whole week but i still have no money... i don't know why. I didn't buy anymore shoes ok! But i look really so pathetic eating my bread lorh... nvm larh... must eat grass. No money no trip man. I have about 7 projects on hand now... don't know how to finish them. Don't know how to do them. They're just killing me slowly know... not letting me sleep properly. Whole day project project. So many projects still lab tests, lab tests still got theory tests, theory tests still got exam. Only have about 1 month of school left know... how to finish! Going to grow super hippopotamus like. Stress makes me hungry. heh. oh well. I finally can sleep in tomorrow. yay. maybe i'll go visit ling at work tomorrow and accompany her for lunch. My papa's birthday tomorrow. Going out to eat. Hope no one will turn up unexpected.
OH YARH! i actually spent about 1 and a half hours talking to waihong over lunch today. Was sharing my enlightenment with him. haha. educating him with my views and perspective and logic... i think i got him thinking out of his box. Cause he had actually wanted to talk to me somemore after school.. but i was with ling.. so i told him to call me... but he hasn't. Hopefully he'll see things differently. It took quite some effort. But i think i got myself a new "fan". No larh... it's my pleasure to listen to his problems. Makes me feel needed. haha. He got me talking about my mummy.. and i was crying... then he also cry with me.. so sweet... but it's kinda weird cause i'm not close to him. But i was grateful for the compassion.
ok.. i think i will go now. going to try to upload the pictures from my phone! Hopefully it'll work. I'm sleepy... *yawn*

"Nothing hurt me as much as your reaction to the same experience." I FINALLY found a phrase that describes the event. Been so long ago already.. but oh well. It haunts me sometimes. Yarh, I just enjoy looking at him, not that i'm being perverted alright. He just always looks so cute larh. But no, there are no feelings... just look and smile. We're kinda distant now, but i'm just thankful that i still get to see him every now and then. He's looking better and better. oh well.
Szeling's having training now, i was supposed to accompany her... but i remembered that i have a test tomorrow.. so i couldn't go with her. It's at queenstown larh... so far. Having a lab test tomorrow, molecular genetics. I'm sooooo going to fail it. I have totally no idea about genetics, i don't remember going for any lectures and i don't do anything during labs. I'm so dead. I'm treading the borderline for genetics. If i fail, that's bye bye to my australia trip. Need to take supp paper. So i got to study super hard for this subject, together with analytical biochemistry. My heamatology lab test was BAD. I couldn't descride the blood disorders properly. Man, i don't know what i'm going to do with my diploma... i don't seems to be able to do anything. I'm wasting my life away.
I finally saw esther in school today. I think i haven't seen her since last friday. She cut her hair... looks nice. Think love hasn't been too nice to her lately, she's been feeling kinda down. Perhaps when she gets back from her trip over the weekend, she'll feel better. Girl, remember, girl friends are better than boyfriends yarh..? Yes, as i always say, hold no expectations yarh?
I'm craving chocolate fudge brownie... which makes me think of dennis. If he were here, i'd buy a pint and invite him over to share it. Then while eating, i'll make him listen to me complain and complain and complain. Then after that, i'll call szeling up to complain too. I think i torture my friends quite alot. Making them listen to me nag and complain. Dennis... i wish you were here. To share the ice cream and to listen to me complain.
I think i shall be going to the australian study fair tomorrow with Ling and Wynn. Szeling says the plan is for us to go to australia to study together and stay in the same house, where wynn will do the cooking, ling will do the cleaning and dawn will do the nagging. I think it just might work out. I'm really good at nagging. It'll be "szeling... wake up already.. you're going to be late...faster wake up and go school already... don't sleep already..." and "wynn... hurry up and decide what to wear... going school only.. no need to nice.. aiyah you look nice in anything, and no.. your legs don't look fat." Yeh, i think that's about right. Think Nat won't be going overseas to study already... cause she did so well. Unless she's going on scholarship. Hmm....
anywayz... i have to go now... got to study!!! I hope i don't fail tomorrow... yuleng........ help me!!!! There's Clay on american idol tonight!!! Yay.... hee hee hee. haven't seen him on tv for so long. can't wait can't wait. for now... genetics it is.. *groan* hate it.

" Don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long." How do you know when is "too long"? Men are scum. Just what is it with men. Why can't they practice monogamy? Is is very difficult? Is it too much to ask for? Don't they realize that it ultimately affects the people around them? How could they be so selfish. Really doubting if there's such a thing as "as long as we both shall live." Why do you even bother getting married actually? Just an excuse to having kids? Just because your biological clock is ticking? Why do guys find is so hard to commit to one preson? Why is it that girls can do it and guys just can't keep their eyes and their dicks to one girl? It's not fair that a guy expects loyalty and monogamy from his girl when he goes outside to fool around. I don't deny that girls are bitches too... But at least we're sensitive about it. How do they sleep beside their girl every night and share another bed with someone else? How can they make babies and not be sure? Just shooting their gametes and not thinking of the consequences. Seeing what is happening around really shakes my faith in Love, in MEN, in GUYS... How do you give your all, your whole heart when you cannot expect the same. How do you imagine walking down the asile with the prettiest white dress when you're worried that in time you're going to be sharing a man? How do you find your heart, when it's been broken over and over and over again. How do you find a smile when everything around you is going topsy turvey. How do you give your love when you're feeling ugly and broken. How you you find laughter behind the tears, how do you learn to feel again, how do you mend the brokeness in your heart, how do you love again? How do you stop loving. Even when you've had enough, how do you let it go? Why must i always want the things i cannot have. Why can't they feel my pain? Why don't they know i'm hurting for them? Why doesn't he know that i'm still loving him. Why can't he tell her to go away? Why can't she keep her hands to herself? Why must she always want the things i fancy? Why do i love the ones who don't love me? Am i a bad person? Have i become a bad person? I have no control of my thoughts lately. Lost all sense of feeling. Men. They just cannot see the pain, the pinning, the tears, the love of the girl that loves them. It's a disorder that all guys have. They only see the ones they fancy, never bothering to embrace those who have loved or love. Argh! All these just makes me feel even more alone and even more unloved. Why did mummy have to go...? Why did he have to break my heart so bad? Why did he have to have a fling with her? Why did she do a thing like that to me? Why can't he love me? I'm so tired. Don't know what to think anymore. I just need to go crazy for awhile. Kinda constipated right now. Like suppressing all the bad thoughts. Notice i say thoughts. No sense of feeling. I need reassurance. *bleahz*
He was seated down, and she walked over to him and started touching his hair, his face, his arms and hands... I was standing behind... i was taken over by a wave of emotions. As they say, the pain never goes away. It wasn't painful... it just changes.. it becomes more distant. But you know it's still there. The reality sets in again, that i was just not good enough, that he couldn't love me, that i fade away in his heart with each day that passes. I think i fade off in everyone's heart as time passes. I want to learn to be a guy.. they do it so well. They're so good at being insensitive, so good at being detached, so good at being fickle. I need some of that in my life. How can someone feel so much but feel nothing all at the same time? I'm at the crossroads. Not a nice place to be. I hate being me.

My aching feet. They feel bruised. The price of vanity... my feet were squished the entire afternoon. But i guess i deserve it. Vain you see. I bought 2 pairs of shoes on Saturday for a total of about 60 bucks! They're sooooooo pretty! But they kinda hurt my feet, especially my toes.. but they're soooo pretty! I don't know how i ended up buying them, i wasn't even supposed to be shopping. Kinda regret spending the money cause i'm really broke... but they're just soooo pretty! Aiyah, nevermind, as i always say, you can never have too many shoes. Eh heh. I bought another pair today, so that's a total of 3 over the weekend. opps.
Anyway, it's been quite a busy end to the week. Thursday was probably the worst cause i rushed my assignment, and i think it's probably one of the worst essays i've written in poly. Was quite shoddy. But i was pressed for time, not that that's an excuse, but i really didn't know what to write. Have a bad feeling about this one. It's 10% of subject grades, thank goodness my tests for this subject are pretty ok. As of now, i have about 5 or 6 projects/assignments at hand. Not alot larh.. just quite alot. Man, i can't even remember when the datelines are! I really should start paying more attention. Have about 5 lab tests coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have no idea how i'm going to pass... i do absolutely NOTHING during lab. Sometimes i don't even get out of my seat. One thing that i truely suck at is lab work... hate it. I don't know how i'm going to survive in this industry... not going do this anymore after uni.. i really detest it. Argh, so much work to do!! so much sleep to do, so few nights. darn it.
At least Friday was fun, besides school being a bore. Friday night went to centro for Elle magazine party! Woah, it was an experience. The club was nice. A different crowd for that i usually see. The drinks were good! Reasonablly priced and yummy too! Though at the end of the night, i felt really really broke. And Nat, it's got nothing to do with you. It was like a pool of celebs. So many were there. And they look quite different from mags and tv. Sharon Au is soooooo skinny! like 1 side of a pair of chopsticks! Jean danker also.. all the skinny pokers. And to the disappointment of szeling, Timothy Goh is gay. But he is cute. Also, i think for the 1st time in a long while, i actually felt and looked younger than the crowd. Hahaha. Was trying not to make it too obvious. heh. Think Nat had a good time... she quite enjoyed the drinks and the make over. haha. Oh well, there was this rather good looking fella that offered to buy me a drink. hahaha. Guess he was just trying to be polite. But i just ordered my drink... DAMN! Of course, Nat had the joy of being smiled at and said 'hi' to by bernard lim.. know the guy who hosts the singapore wheel of fortune..? yarh.. him! He's cute too! but kinda short. but cute! Then Nat kinda persuaded me to go for the Christian Dior makeover with her... hers turned out really nice... i kinda looked punched in the eyes.. i don't know, perhaps my eyes are too small..? But yarh! it was fun. After that went over to nat;s house for supper... prata! Missed the prata at her place. Reminded me of the times we studied for O's together. Seems so long ago. Didn't get to sleep much on friday, cause had to go school on saturday morning.
Was dosing off during my Bible class in the afternoon. Not good. Seldom see me nodding off. Heh. Szeling had to poke me a few times. But yeh, felt revitalised after buying my shoes! have i mentioned that they're really pretty? haha Ended up buying a top too. Was just feeling frivolous.. have no idea where i'm going to wear the top to. But as of now, i have no money to be frivolous. Have to eat grass. Otherwise, no money to travel.
AH HAH! I BOUGHT MY BIRKINSTOCKS! like finally! My papa paid for them...! YES! been waiting for soooo long, since my purple ones spoilt. My new ones are pink!! hee hee hee. so nice.... yeh, i know i bought 2 pairs yesterday.. but aiyah! couldn't help it. hee. and i cut my hair too! actually it doens't look any different. Just shorter. she snipped off the dead ends.. which is quite alot. so yeh.. it's back to being shoulder length. My hair will just never grow.
Sheena's birthday is coming, meeting her on tuesday.. she actually asked me out... but was "conned". She's trying to pair me up with her friend. Feel like a spinster that's being persuaded to get married off. haha. well, the fella is going to be hell disappointed. Too bad for him. Just going to celebrate her birthday. Have to get a gift. No money! Have to start looking between the cushions of my sofa. alright... monday is coming. Monday not nice... alright. Got to pack for tomorrow. And brave the new week.. *groan* somebody save me!

I realise for the 1st time in my life, i don't have a group of friends that i'm always hanging around. As long as i can remember, i always had a close knit bunch, but now i realise that i'm always lunching with different people, sitting with different people during lectures, doing projects with different people. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, it's not. But it's become.... unpersonal. On tuesday, during break, i was with "my bunch", the class guys, and i didn't even construct a single sentence. I just ate in silence. You don't usually associate dawn with silence. I don't know, i'm just not having the best time in school. I don't know where i belong.
Assignments are coming one after another, you finish one, and another one comes. I'll never be able to finish them. I have one that's due on friday and i haven't even started on my reasearch, even have to feed off other people's research. I'm becoming such a rotten person. Always zapping off people. I think i should try to be more involved in school. I seem to be detatching myself from it this semester. Skipping class whenever possible, escaping from work at every chance, paying less attention during lectures. Think my grades are going to get affected, and they're already not that great. geez. I've probably arrived at one of the pits in my life. Where work and home and social is just...... not going anywhere. But i suppose everyone goes through this phase. Guess i'm just not reacting to it right. *shrugz*
I paid alittle more attention to 'him' today. He brings on a smile, but the warmth did not come. It was nothing inside, like an empty shell. Like a vacum space, just couldn't feel anything. Heart is dead. Spending less and less time with 'him'. Talking less and less too. perhaps it's a good thing. I don't know. Sometimes i wonder where he places my concern. Probably looks at it, thinks nothing of it and tosses it away. Somehow it matters less now, but at the same time i still yearn the attention. I know it's probably a very simple equation, but i made it out to be so complex that i can't seem to see the solution. oh well. everything will come to pass. As i always say, keep it real and hold no expectations. But i think that makes me a very cynical individual. Ahhhh. whatever.
Anyway, i think i better go now... got a tonn of work to do, i don't even know where to start. can't wait for school to take a break. It's such a shithole right now. I'm in a mood.

My brain is stuffed. My nosed is clogged, eyes are watery, head is heavy. I feel sick. But then again it could be because it's monday, everything is bad on mondays. The weather is bad, it's rainy and cloudy (it's only bad cause i had to go to school, it'd be good if i was home sleeping), lessons are bad, hair is bad, face is bad... mondays are bad. Mondays are evil. I wear pajamas to school on mondays, looked absolutely dreadful. *bleahz* More datelines to meet this week. Never ending mountains of assignments and projects, why couldn't they just have exams, it'll make things so much easier. But then again, be careful what you wish for. I forgot to wash my lab coat... it's supposed to be clean and sterile... yeh right. I'm grumpy. I miss my friend. Think i shall complain to szeling tonight. I complain to szeling every night.
ANYWAY. My weekend was pretty good. Went with Nat to the travel agency on saturday and we paid our deposit. Can't wait... just CAN'T WAIT to get out of this place. Getting more and more suffocated by the day. Then Ling and I pon tang our Bible class and we went shopping. How horrible i am... but i bought a pair of shoes...! Not that that amends anything, but i made me feel better see. And then i went to the esplanade to have dinner with my family. Went to the garlic restaurant. Oh man, i was soooooo turned off. But my dad loved it. What is it with dad's and garlic? There was like garlic ice cream...! oh disgusting is that?! gross. And my dad was eating garlic by the clove or something. I made a note NOT to talk to the man after dinner. So smelly. But then! we went to the chocolate bar... hee hee hee. Yummy! but the management sucks and the service was quite bad. Think they changed the crew. They were all guys.. explains all of it. But once the chocolate came, everything was right again. haha.
Sunday morning was fun! Had sunday school duty and it was one of the kids' birthday. So we had a celebration and everyone was so happy! Being a child really is different. How it feels to be 8 years old. Must have been great. All you had to care about was homework and cartoons. John was there on sunday... he's soooooo cute. Though i don't really know what's wrong with him, he seems pretty normal. But he sure doesn't look 13. He was telling me that he's looking forward to going to the army. So sweet. But felt so sad, cause he won't be able to go. Wonder who's going to break it to him. poor fella. Then he had to do a forfiet, he had to sing a song... and he did RnB! haha and he was really good! so cute! Then he did simple plan and pink and linkin park. haha. Kids are just so sweet, whether they're normal or not. But if i find out my kid isn't going to be normal, i don't know if i'll have the courage to bring it to the world. It's quite scary. Mum's really are so strong.
Miss my mummy, especially when i was watching big fish with ling.. cry and cry and cry, when the dad was going to die... made me think of my mum. Miss her sooo much. Home just isn't the same. I think mothers day is coming.. treat your mums extra special alright? The only thing i've ever got my mum in 18 mother's days' i had with her was a book. geez. Now i don't have a chance to give anything. But i miss someone else too.. oh well. Got to keep it real yarh? Reality bites. Keep no expectations and keep it real. That's always important. Ah hah. Haunted mansion is coming out this week! Who wanna watch with me...????? got to save money already, spending too much, later go to Oz got no money to spend, then i'll be really sad. Must EAT GRASS! yeh, say only. Whole life only know how to say. Talk about eating, i'm hungry.... going to have dinner. smells good!

I just got home from mahalo, the big splash one. It's not nice. The drinks suck and costs a bomb. wouldn't really want to go there again. Anyway, I went with Esther and Fenny. It was quite nice. Just sat down and chatted just enjoying the company. Cool. Never expected i would be out with them, but it was nice, comfortable. Yarh. ANYWAY! congratulations to all who have done well in the A levels, especially Nat and Jac. Well done! For those who didn't do as well as expected, don't let it bug you too much, it's just one of those things. I'm thankful that i didn't take the A's suddenly. I think i would have done really badly. And the anxiety would probably send me to the hospital again, like the o levels. Getting back results just makes you super uneasy. Hate it. I did pretty alright for my tests. Managed to do quite well for some, and well, for the others, managed to pass larh. Which is good, cause must balance see. Plus i didn't study all that hard, so i'm really thankful. Phew.
Anyway, sorry for the lack of update. It's been a busy week. Been quite tired, skipped lectures. heh. Went to the airport on tuesday, see dennis off. He's got really charming friends and family members. Think the chraming part runs in the the family, nat also. hmmz. He seems to be doing well there in melbourne. Which is good. Hopefully'll get to see him on my trip. Tuesday was also lecture day, so i was quite zonked put by the time i got home. Think i was quite grumpy on tuesday, szeling wasn't really keen on talking to me at first. But it got better after eating. Food for comfort. haha.
Wednesday i went out with Jac. Like finally. Haven't seen her in so long. She's looking fantab as usual. Always feel sooooo ugly next to her. That girl has really got it going for her. It was nice, comfortable. Think things will be better from now on. When you place your cards on the table, things become clearer and you understand it better. Then we took a cab home together, haven't taken a cab home with her in a looonnng time. Just talked and talked and talked. Think as you grow older, you talk alot more and do alot less activities. Just go out to eat and talk. No more "lets go ice skating!" or "lets go sentosa!". Now it's lets have dinner. Which is good also larh. But the night was shot cause i had to come home and do work. Slept really little on wednesday, rushing report. Rush rush rush.
Went for driving yesterday, it was pretty smooth. Instructor says i shouldn't have a problem passing the next time round. But being the idiot that i am... i might do something really stupid again. But after that went to meet szeling and wynn for dinner at parkway. Had fish and co. We were seated at the same booth we did the previous time. Then someone said, "somebody's missing..." then it was like "yarh, i was thinking the same thing." But then the food came. And it was so yummy! But we ordered the super big cup thingy again and couldn't finish it again. Sour larh. But then as much fun as i was having, couldn't stay long.. had to go home and rush report also. Rush rush rush. Always rushing my work cause i'm always so last min when it come to studies. Should become a nerd. Everyday come home and study. I think some people in my course actually do that. I don't know how they do it. It's amazing. Just LOOKING my my work sends me to sleep.
I only went to school for 3 hours today... for lab. I didn't go for morning lecture and i didn't go for afternoon lecture. Came home to sleep. I seem to be saying that i spend alot of time sleeping. But actually i don't... i never seem to get enough. I sleep as much as possible till i end up taking cab to school 4 days this week. How horrible is that. But i just can't seem to open my eyes in the morning. Yeh so i just went for lab today and then down to mahalo at night with the girls.
Oh yarh, "stupid woman" has been calling again. So annoying! can i sue for harressment? She's just pissing me off! Why can't she just leave us alone? Doesn't she get the msg already? Honestly i'm quite mad at him for still talking to her and still allowing her to disturb us. She's making me really dislike to be around. But what to do/ say? It isn't my problem to solve. Just wished she'd go away.
Alrighty. I think i better go... got to meet Nat tomorrow to go to the travel agency, pay deposit. So exciting! i can't wait to go... wanna get away from all the shit that is happening around me. Got Bible class tomorrow too. Haven't done the homework. Been so horrible this week. Getting all my priorities wrong. Think i've been too liberal with myself. Got to do work. DO WORK! ok... i will not go out next week. Say only. i'll TRY not to go out next week. mmz. haha. k. wanna sleep already. whole life just eating and sleeping and spending money. Terrible. Somebody help!!! Alrighty then. Goodnight all. Happy weekend!

Some email anylysis of ME!
With a strong sense of responsibility for her family and close friends, Dawn has a tendency to blame herself if anything should go wrong, even if it is clearly not her fault. She will work long and hard - perhaps too hard for her own good - and unless she is careful her life may lack the fun, humour and social activity that would force her to be more outward looking. This in turn makes her careful with money in the sense that she will apply funds only to those things that are of the utmost importance to her. She holds strong views from which she will not easily be moved. ( I work hard?! Careful with money?!)

Tenacious and stubborn, Dawn is someone who works slowly and methodically to achieve success. Not the sort of individual to turn the world on fire, Dawn is nonetheless a thoroughly reliable person whose careful approach to life brings steady reward. She is something of a perfectionist who can be counted upon to complete tasks without supervision. ( Perfectionist? i don't think so...)

With a high energy level, and ambitions to match, Dawn will show early promise. Unless her tendency to expel this energy on too many projects can be overcome, a promising beginning may soon evaporate, giving way to anger and frustration. Dawn is someone who enjoys a good time with an active social life, and needs the direction of more sober minds.

Although Dawn may be reasonably talkative in public, she finds it difficult to express personal feelings to those closest to her.

Well-balanced, with an understanding and compassionate nature, Dawn is a natural leader who can inspire others. But she needs a certain amount of freedom at work and at home. With a compassionate and caring nature, and with the ability to get on well with others, Dawn will be a strong member of any team and will provide solid inspiration and support to her colleagues.

A perceptive individual, Dawn takes little on trust. She maintains fixed views which once established are difficult to change. Conscientious by nature ( conscientious is so wrong), she will make a good businessman or accountant (maths always fail), but being naturally perceptive, and unwilling to accept views of others without solid evidence (no what..), she may well turn to philosophy.She also possesses strong humanitarian ideals that may find expression in charitable work.

Intelligent and logical, Dawn is not someone who acts rashly on the spur of the moment. (intelligent??)

Emotionally well-balanced, Dawn is not too intense, and will reach the right decisions.

Dawn is something of a perfectionist who seeks to achieve detailed accuracy, and has a natural instinct to unearth the truth.

Dawn is intelligent, articulate and enjoys a first-class memory. ( i remember birthdays pretty well!)

Haha. You think it's accurate?

Have you ever loved only to let it go? Have you ever hated someone and loved him so? Have you ever missed someone so bad it made you cry? Have you ever seen someone left alone without knowing why?

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in love in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE!

Why do people say loving too much makes you stupid? It's because you'll always be wrong even if you're right. You're weak even if you're strong. You give without receiving. You cry, get pains but still say you're happy. ( it's true isn't it?)

How would you know if you've fallen in love real hard?
It's when someone hurts you and you love him still. Then he hurts you again to find out that you love him even more...
We only have one heart, but there are many places in it wherein we keep every person we meet. Somebody whom we know we might never meet again, but will never be forgotten. (hmm....)

Your friends are like buttons on the elevator --- they will either bring you up or take you down. Choose the people you want to call friends, but be sure to get yourself on the right floor. (YES!)

We can never understand joy till we feel sorrow, faith till we're tested, peace till we're faced with conflicts, trust till we're betrayed, and love till it's gone. (the painful reality)

When everything seems to be unfair, when all that you do isn't appreciated, I'll take your hand, wipe away your tears, take you for a walk and tell you everything will be fine. (run to me whenever you're weary)

Sometimes in life you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh till you can't stop. Someone who holds your hand and never lets you go alone in life. (I've found a few)

Just some interesting stuff i read. Feeling alittle sentimental. That's what daniel beddingfield and sappy emails does to you. heh. & hours of lecture tomorrow. Might decide to skip a few. So sian, don't even listen when i'm there, should just stay home and sleep. Sleep solves alot of problems. Should indulge in it more often. It's the monday blues again larh. Mondays are bad. No like mondays.