Sunday, May 29, 2005

http://www.phamous69.com/magazine/

Got this link off xiaxue's blog. It's got lots of boobs to look at. But that's not the point. I'm really impressed by the photography. How does a camera manage to capture such flawless beauty? The face, the body, the curves, the colours... Ok, don't tell me photoshop. I like to believe that such beauty does exist by itself. It's really nice. Just don't get offended. Quite kinky stuff.

Anyway. Following up my previous post, i only have one word to say. WHATEVER. This hot and cold game is become all to familiar to me. It sucks. Therefore i see no need to be friendly cause i don't know my stand. So yarh. I don't think he knows what he wants. And he hasn't bothered to let me in on any of his thoughts or feelings and i guess he feels this need to blow me off for no apparent reason. So what can i say? What about what i want and what i think and what i feel? I suppose it doesn't matter. It STILL doesn't matter huh. Fine. I thought he was so much more. How many times do i have to be wrong? Am i wrong? i don't know. I don't seem to know anything anymore. "You're only almost here." *shrugz* Numbed.

Got my letter from Curtin! I'm accepted! YAY! Waiting for the other 2 uni's to reply then i can decide where i wanna go. I wanna study. Haha. Sounds so wrong coming out from me right? But it's true. I wanna study. Working sucks and bumming gets depressing. So studying is good. *nods* But i bet when i'm studying, i'd wanna be working. The grass is always greener on the otherside huh? Haha. Life's unfair. What can i say.

I met Ken yesterday. He talks sense into me. Makes me see things from a different point of view. He amazes me with what he knows, impresses me with what he thinks, touches me by how he feels, yet he brings me down to earth with little reality secrets. He's a complex figure. Really glad to have made such a friend. He respects me as an indvidual, talks to me like and adult but dotes on me like a child. Just the way i like to be treated. Haha. DAMN. Why does he already have a girlfriend. Haha. No larh. Si wa eh kor kor.

I''m graduating on the 12th of july. If you would like to come and take photos with me on that day, you are most welcome to do so. Hee hee. I will aim to be thinner by then. Haha. I only have 2 tickets for the ceremony, they're for my dad and sis. Sorry, can't watch the ceremony. But i'm sure it'll be really boring anyway. what to wear what to wear?? Nvm. Thin 1st then talk. Haha.

alrighty. Nothing much to say for now. Stay tuned though. Any job lobang, please drop them by me? Thanks. Any free time you wanna spend with me also let me know? Thanks. Haha. see ya dudes!

*oh! by the way.... Clique, i saw Ginny on the train today!!! The white badge ginny. Jac, you remember right...?????? OLD SCHOOL!


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

If you've seen me recently, you might notice that i'm glowing alittle. Hee hee hee. I'm basking in nothing-ness and it feels great. It really isn't anything. But i'm just really enjoying his presence and his company and the sweet little gestures he's been showering me with just fills me with a sense of warmth and glee. What his intentions are or what he's thinking/feeling i do not know. But for the 1st time i think, i'm not that concerned cause i think i'm happy. Being with him makes me happy. As corney and cheezy as it sounds, i guess it's true.

I've been having a good time so far. With my clique and all. Jac's back! All the better! Right now, i'm just soaking up the goodness and not thinking of the future. I love having this feeling. *beams*


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

This blog is dedicated to my beloved clique.

My dearies, i just re-read your entries in memory of our dearest Sheena. And i felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. Especially when i read Sharon's entry. All my memories of her just came rushing back. As though it was just yesterday. But strangely it's already been a week. I hate that time doesn't stop to grieve for her. That time didn't preserve better our friendship. I miss her so tremendously. I'm sure we all do. Yes. It'll never be the same. But we've got to hold on to each other even more tightly now. The clique was probably the only thing that would have kept her with us. We are the core. The closest friends we have, whether you believe it or realise it, is the clique. Like what Laine said, we've already been through so much together. God preserved us for a reason.

Everytime i see the pictures of sheena, she's always smiling so brightly. I miss her smile. Don't you? I can't believed we abandoned her. I admit that once i was extremely mad with you guys for abandoning me. I knew that feeling so well, yet i let us abandon her. I think we all need a constant reminder of each other. The ups and downs we've been through together. The recesses we had together when we'd eat from the pink bowl stall. And where nat would bring ice cream and sheena would fight for the macadamia nut brittle. The times that sheena would shriek in laughter and startle all of us. Where we would stand up for each other when we get bullied.

We used to hurt for the same things, laugh for the same things and now we will hurt eternally for our babe. I guess our hurt will bind us together forever. What a thing to be binded together by.

My dearies, cherish the times we shared, look forward to the future we will share. The dreams we had. The times we went to "He Brews" to study and play free pool. The extremely unhealthy cambell-maggi mee lunches we had at jac's/my place. Babes. Life would be so different without you guys.

Love you all. You guys are my core and i can't imagine not having you guys around with me. Losing sheena is like losing a sister. You guys are more than friends to me. I know this blog prolly doesn't make any sense what so ever and prolly doesn't properly express what i want to say. But as much as you guys are prolly going to hate me, i'm holding on tightly to all of you and i'm going to be as selfish and protective as i can. Don't wanna lose anymore of you.

I guess for you guys to truely understand what i'm saying or feeling. Dig into your hearts and memories. I'm sure you'll feel it too.

I don't really know what i'm saying. It's just a very nostalgic feeling mixed with sadness and regret. I know you guys understand.

Jac, come home soon. I miss you. Fel, stop letting him bully you. Nat, don't work too hard. Sharon, come to me for driving or a chat. Laine, spend more time together before your school starts. Van, update more often please, Sheena, I love you, i miss you so much and i hope you can hear me.


Know how i have this habit of walking away? Those closer to me will know exactly what i mean. I SO hate it when my friends get attached. Especially the closer ones. Suddenly they just disappear out of your life and expect you to understand. No. I don't understand. I don't understand how years of unconditional friendship can be so easily put down for someone new. Bleahz.

As dennis so often reminds me, i will understand when i'm attached. What is that supposed to mean anyway? That i don't understand cause i don't have a boyfriend? It's not my fault i don't have a boyfriend and it's also not my fault that my friends think or feel that i am dispensible or replacable. Which ever is more accurate.

Why give me promises and reassurance in the 1st place when you're just going to leave me for someone else? Makes me feel like an utter fool for believing that you could actually carry through your promise. Every promise given to me of that aspect was broken. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So tell me. Why did you make me feel so important when obviously i'm not. Don't make it matter to me if it doesn't matter to you.

Maybe it's really because i don't have a boyfriend. But hey, i happen i know that friends are more important and they always will be. I just lost my friend to the arms of death. But in fact i think it's more upsetting that the "friends" that are living seem to be dead.

I am utterly disappointed in our friendship. I really thought we were stronger than that. But i guess we're not. You're blinded and smitten and i am just too stubborn and cynical. You knew that. You knew that all along. So don't blame me for feeling the way i am cause you always knew. And i know that i hate it when people break their promises to me, hate it when they don't mean what they say. You knew.

Don't say you've tried cause trying actually involves trying. I tried but i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing. I demand too much from a friendship. Far to much than what you're willing to give me. I'm insecure and i'm dependent. I build walls. I build them quickly. I'm starting to build one against you. Maybe you'd want to give up our friendship. Fine. I'm not even worth as much to you as he does. I feel it so. And i hate you for making me feel this way cause everything and every moment i spent with you was out of love. And i've enjoyed every moment of it. All the way from the start. But somehow i stopped enjoying it. And i hate myself for not being able to enjoy it.

I'll be leaving soon. Take it literally or figuratively. But i will be leaving, if you don't ask me to stay. I'm waiting for you to ask. Waiting in vain it seems. But that's the problem with me isn't it. I'm always waiting in vain, causing myself so much agony. If it had been someone else, i'd have walked long ago. I've been made to feel like a fool again. One time too many.

I thought i knew you better than that. I thought you knew me better than that. Apparently, we've both been cheated. Cheated into believing that we needed each other. You don't need me anymore. That's fine. Embrace what we had.

Moving on... with or without you?


Monday, May 16, 2005

Back from my genting trip with my Wyeth collegues. Actually i don't know if i still can call then collegues. Somehow i've become distant. maybe. Of course i was still comfortable with ken and peiqi and jeff, but didn't have much to say over all. But i think this trip really drew me closer to ken. =) Figured that he does have a spot of affection for me. Hahaha. He dotes on me like a sister and it's nice.

Genting is really boring. There's like absolutely nothing to do. The only thing i enjoyed in genting is the weather and the company. Other than that, it was rather sian. Didn't even take photos. How boring right? Not to mention that the journey back from genting almost killed me. I just super cannot take long rides. I'll puke up all my intestines and feel extremely sick. Sometimes i wonder if it's worth it.

I realized that i have recently accpuired many new stuff due to my lack of discipline and self control when it comes to ladies apparel. I have a new pair of jeans from levis, the latest square cut, a new bag from OZOC, 2 new tops, 6 pieces of panties and 2 new pair of shoes, 1 from Jwest and the other from converse. Ken bought me the pair of converse from genting cause he won money from his 1st time in the casino. Hee hee hee. He's so nice right? Ken's the elder brother i never had. he's taught me so many things and i really respect him.

Anyway. Kiwi's going into army in about 2 weeks. =( I shall miss him tremendously. Need to find something to do. Either learn something or find a job. As stupid as it sounds. I'm still waiting for wyeth. I'm pathetic right. I know.

Actually i'm quite glad i'm not doing anything. Cause Jac's coming back and i wanna spend as much time as i can with her. Must cherish all the moments you have with people before they disappear forever. Need to contact nat and go for amore beofore my card expires. Super waste money man me... sign up then never go. I'm so terrible. just smack me.

I haven't received my acceptance letters from the universities. Which in fact worries me. I hate not knowing and waiting around aimlessly for answers. I need some direction. hmm.

Ok. my comp's running out of batt. Catch you guys again. Hee.


Sunday, May 08, 2005

To my dearest friend Sheena.

Babe. I know that times have changed and we no longer are as close as we used to be. But why didn't you call on me? You know that i will never walk away from you. There are so many things we haven't acheived together, so many things i haven't said and shown you. So many unspoken feelings and affection i have for you. Yet, without saying goodbye, you left. Why didn't you give me a single hint that you were going to do what you were going to do? I would have caught it and understood it and stayed with you 24/7 for all long as you needed. Why did you have to torture all of us by killing yourself? Why couldn't you get over him? Did he really drive you so wildly in love and so wildly insane at the same time that you felt that you had no choice but to die?

I read your blog entries today. They are all about your love for him. Is it really so hard to let go? You really made me admire you for your undying love for him but at the same time made me feel like shaking you for being so silly. I can never shake you anymore. Was it very painful when you landed? Was it less painful that what you were feeling? Didn't you even think about saying goodbye? Why babe why??? I don't understand.

I've known you all my life. We shared happy and unpleasnat moments. But time after time we still found it within our hearts to love each other and find a spot in our hectic lives for each other and for that i am grateful. I never told you, but i always admired your strength and courage to let the other party know exactly how you feel. I could never do that, as much as you always told me to. Your live has been a legacy to all of us. None of us will EVER forget Sheena Tan. To us, you'll always be Sheena, not Sherry. We've been through so much together, but why wasn't it enough to keep you alive and here with us.

You're probably sneering and giving me that sarcastic smile, thinking that now we all regret because you're dead. No babe. We've been regreting ever since you started being the way that you were. but none of us had the courage to tell you. Babe, the ambitions you had were great. Why didn't you stay around to fulfil them? Why did you jump? None of us can accept it, nor believe that you would do such a thing. Yes. You were crazy. Too crazy. Too crazy in love. Was it really that hard?

I know nothing i say will reach you now, and nothing i say will matter anymore. But i really want to say that babe, i love you, and i already miss you and thank you for being a true friend to me. For all the kindergarten days, for all the times we shared in sec school, for listen to my heart when it was broken over and over, for being so compassionate and real, for never pretending. For being that wonderful friend, Sheena. I'll never forget you, and you shall always be alive in my heart and mind.

To my wonderful friend Sheena Tan Kim Yee, 18 march 1985-07 may 2005. A beutiful person, friend and sister. I shall forever miss you.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My goodness. The boredom is getting to me. And you know that you've really be left behind when your friends don't even bother to sms. Hmm. Reality bites. NO. Reality stabs. As someone has said before.


Sunday, May 01, 2005

Just to let you know that i will NOT be working. I decided that the offer that the vet clinic proposed is much too inadequate even for a beggar like me. Therefore i have not taken it up. So here i am again. Bumming. Hoping Wyeth will still want me. =(

New asia bar on friday was different. I felt YOUNG. I probably was the youngest in there. Ok, actually that will be szeling cause she's younger than me in months. SERIOUSLY. They were all the working class! Many many ang mohs though... *drool* but yeh. They were not the ones that i gave my attention. The music was OK only. Nothing fantastic. The dance floor is really small and pathetic. But the scenery was nice and the drinks are reasonably priced. Happy hour was half price. So it was pretty ok. Cover charge of $20 was abit painful though. Finally got to meet up with ken and peiqi again after so long. So it was kinda nice. Hee hee. Was dancing alittle until my legs had to give way cause i was wearing my killer heels. Not very clever i know. Had to drive home bare foot.

Saturday, i went to golden mile complex with ken at 10pm to book our genting tickets. No. Not just me and ken. 7 of us altogether. Ken's chinese is really powerful man! Impressed. Ken's like the big brother i never had. Really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. But i like him alot better outside work. During work, he's too solemn and serious for my liking. Genting trip should be quite fun. That is if i don't puke up all my intestines during the journey there.

Today i met up with an old friend. Yuhang. Bumped into people whom i haven't seen in ages. I bumped into Reynard on the train. I haven't seen Reynard like since way before attachment started. So that's at LEAST 9 months ago. Then i bumped into Cher Hao and gang. Apparently Baorong was there too, but i didn't see him. We were moving too fast. Cher Hao know! That's like sec 3 days?! My clique will remember. My goodness! How old i felt. 5 years ago. Man, time flies. I used to be soooooo close to Baorong. How time affects relationships. It was nice meeting Yuhang too. Been a long while. The last time was when i burnt my hand in Wyeth. Haha. Nice to hear all his funny stories and yeh, just to catch up. Old friends just bring back memories. Memories then were much nicer. When all of us were young and single with no liabilities. ROCKS!

Sometimes i feel like i'm ready to walk away, and now seems to be the best time to do so. But somehow this time i just cannot bear to do so. I don't know why. It should be that it gets easier as you get more cynical but it's not happening like it used to. Maybe i need to occupy myself more and learn to be more independent. Sometimes i think it's better to be a loner. You're self sufficient. I think that knowing that you can be self sufficient is a really good feeling. Like all you need is yourself. I know that sounds quite egoistical but yeh. I really admire those who can just be alone. Not feeling neglect and loneliness. I should learn that. It'll come in handy if i got no friend in Australia when i go there and study. *nods*

Talk about asutralia. I finally submitted my applications. I applied for 3 unis, all for a bechelor in occupational therapy. (Bachelor now, no more diploma. OLD) I applied for La Trobe, Curtin and New Castle. So we'll see. Hopefully more than one will accept me and i'll have choices. Really wanna study. Studying is the best. Better than working larh. Haiz. Sian.

Ok. Anyway. Have to go now. Going to visit kiwi at home. He sprained his ankle quite badly. will keep you updated. Stay Tuned.