Sunday, January 23, 2005

I think Ling and i share a common curse. Whatever happens to me, will happen to her. Seriously. It's becoming alittle freaky. Know my HP got stolen in the beginning of the year? Hers just got driven away with today! Man! I think we share the same karma. I hope she finds this really cute, intelligent guy who's full of congeniality to go out with, then maybe it'll happen to me too. Darn weird man. See. that's why friend.

Random thoughts running trough my head:
1. What was the taxi AUNTIE thinking today when i absent-mindedly called her uncle like 5 times. Did she want to slap me?

2. Why did i eat so much today when chinese new year is coming. I can see faint signs of a double chin. I do not want to walk down that road again.

3. If i dye a blonde patch in my hair will i look like an ah lain?

4. When will i ever get down to doing my project?

5. What should i buy with my $100 taka voucher?

6. Is it too early to sleep?

7. I wonder how's nat and *hee hee hee*

8. I really wanted to kill alden today for cheating my feelings. He said we were going to watch elektra and made me peel myself out of bed only to tell me that i'll be watching meet the fockers again! Man! I wanted to fockerize him in the bad way.

9. I wonder if people think i'm fat.

10. should i cut my hair? I don't know. It's getting straggly but i like it long. decisions decisions.

11. Should i be thivk skinned and ask ken out this weekend? I asked him out already but he seemed disinterested and more of obliging. I think i should just not ask.

12. I wonder what's jac doing.

13. I miss studying.

14. Should i bum around or should i work? I'm feeling so lazy and tired to work after attachment. But i need money. Woe is me.

15. Do you think red highlights are tacky?

16. I really ought to clean up my room. It looks like a warzone.

17. I haven't spoken to esther in a long time, i wonder what's going on with her.

18. Sufen's birthday is up. I wonder if her hp number still the same.

19. Reynard's birthday is up too, but i don't know if i have the right hp number and i really ought to meet up with him soon. It's been too long.

20. I really must meet dennis for dinner soon. missed the last time. really ought to confirm in greater advance.

21. There are so many movies i wanna watch. When can i spare the time?

22. I really want to go for a pedi/brizillian but i'm too lazy.

23. I really ought to lose weight. I'm starting to resemble a hippopotamus.

24. I really should get down to buying claritine. My nose is killing me!

25. Remember to buy socks. Socks socks socks socks socks.

26. Must drink more water. Lips are cracking. Signs of dehydration.

27. Must really get down to getting my brows shapped. They look like a rainforest.

28. Go for facial when pay comes. Face is decomposing.

29. Really must give more attention to Russell. He's looking lonely and neglected.

30. Must get down to being more dilligent at work. Need my recommendation letter.

31. Must start to think seriously about uni and try to live a frugal life. Eat grass.

32. Must really start on my project.

33. Must really get down to doing all those things i said i must get down to do.

There see. I have alot of things going on in my puny brain. But i think it's time to sleep. Hafta go work tomorrow. I'm so dead. I have to make 120 bottle of lactose broth tomorrow for pH study. No time no time! I have to get down to doing my project.. i have to go back to school on saturday for evaluation. No time no time! I'm so dead. I think i'll go and sleep now. Sleep solves everything!


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm fat. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!


Saturday, January 15, 2005

Am i a freak? This is the question i have yet to answer myself. Everytime i put myself through the agony of "THE TALK" i end up wondering if i really am a freak. Why is it that i never seem to be able to get something good and positive out of a "could have been" something. That i am always left picking up broken pieces and trying to fix them together so that it doesn't seem so bad. Am i really that replusive and unattractive? Am i simply a freak?

Yesterday i was thoroughly insulted by my friend. A good friend. A "could have been" something friend. He said that i deserved to have someone be nice to me because of my family and blah blah. I felt like he had just slap me in my face. Am i that pathetic? Do i come across as a attention yearning, naive lamb? Purring for someone to take me in his arms and rock me to sleep? Am I? I should really hope not, cause that, to me, is one of the biggest insults ever.

Yesterday, i felt like my equilibrium had been shifted. Why is it that guys always think that all girls need is to sit down and have a talk, and after which, everything will go back to normal. Why are guys so dense? I may not be the smartest, prettiest girl on earth, but i know how to deal with my problems and my life. I'm not a damsel that needs to be saved. I am definately not average.

I may not be better than the rest, and i probably never will be, but i am so much more than you think. How disappointed i felt when the words were spoken. More disappointed with those words left unsaid. How could you think of me in the way that you did? Did you think that i am weak? Did you think that i needed to hear the things you said? I am so much more than that. Do you not see it? I. Am. More. Than. That.

See there's this pther problem i have. I can never seem to let go of my friendships. I don't know why. So many a times it would be easier to just walk away from the friendship and cut of the hurt once and for all. Sometimes i think i'm lucky cause i don't have the ability to hurt anymore. I don't have the ability to feel anymore. I am numb. Thank goodness for that. Cause if i have to deal with "THE TALK" for the rest of my life, i'll prolly be driven completely insane by the male species. Why did God make them so dense?

Know for the millionth time i feel like i don't have the right to choose who i want to love, that i can only be chosen and not vice versa. Why? What is wrong with me? Why can't they find it in their hearts to love me? In the end, does it matter? Does it matter to them that i am hurting? Or will it once again be "don't think about it, we'll talk about it soon." Or will it again be "Dawn, i got something to tell you." 2 phrases that will huant me for the rest of my life.

In the end, all that matters is sleep, chocolate and ice cream. They are the perfect sedatives and anasthetics. They sooth the pain of the mind, heart and body and induce a state of drowsiness in which all worry and frustration is minimum.

I will live. Really. I am not really feeling anything. I just need to rant. Just that once again, when i said that this time it's going to be different, it wasn't. Just that once again i was made to feel not good enough. Just that once again, i was made to feel like a muddy road, trampled on. Just that once again i have to say "once again." Just that once again, i stand alone, staring at pain in the eye and not feeling it. My heart. is. dead. I do not feel. Good. It's better this way.

Cheers Kiwi. To all good things that will eventually come your way. Cheers to our friendship which i will never foresake because it means more than that. Cheers to my brokeness which will never repair. Cheers to me, a picture never complete. Cheers to all of you who say you love me and appreciate me but never letting it show. Cheers.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

I am officially sick of doing my project. Not that i have done anything constructive so far. I just managed to cut and paste some information that i managed to find during my very rushed working hours. Work, is, surprisingly, getting better. Strange. Just when i'm all ready to leave, i find myself settling down and starting to appreciate my work and my collegues. I'm actually having thoughts of staying in WYETH to work if they'll have me. What in the world has gotten into me? My future is bleak. I'm worried that i won't be able to get into ANY university and my project isn't going well at all. In fact it's so terrible i have no idea how i'm going to get out of this with a satisfactory grade. Just shoot me somebody.

I realise that in 2 months, i will be done with poly and moving into a new phase of my life. What phase that is? I have no idea. The guys will be going to army, but i have no idea what i will be doing. I hope to go to australia to study with ling in early 2006 so between now and then, i have less than 2 hoots of what i wanna do. I have been offered a job by Dr Ren to be an animal lab tech. Actually i'm not too keen. The thought of having to clean up shit and piss everyday and getting bitten by rodents isn't really attractive. I was initially thinking of working in the new ITE near my house as a lab tech, but then that would mean starting from the beginning and i'm lazy. If WYETH wants me, i'll definately be seriously considering it. Of course there's also the option of bumming which is in fact the best option, don't think anyone except me will be happy with this option though.

Then there's the problem of thinking about what i wanna study in uni. A degree is very important in society now a days. No qualification leads to no stable job, leads to no money, leads to no life, leads to misery. I do not wish to walk down that lane. My hopes of doing physiotherapy has been dashed cause my average is not high enough. Thinking of doing medical sciences but worried about my average. Chiropractic isn't bad, but it's a 5 year course. No point spending 5 years studying something i have no intention of practicing. The last option would be a simple Bsc. but i have no idea what to major in. I want to do anatomy and physiology but i don't think that's a major. Maybe histology? Don't know larh! Don't know! Fan arh!

Change topic. Know arh, i've been thinking. I am going to have a list of qualities that i will not accecpt in a guy, therefore i will not date him. Szeling says i have no QC, thus i will make myself have some QC.

1. He cannot eat less than me (it's embarressing)
2. He cannot be shorter than me (not good on his ego/ i will not be able to wear heels)
3. He cannot be too much skinnier than me (it's not good for MY ego)
4. He cannot be vegetarian (i'm a carnivore, carnivores and herbivores do not live in harmony)
5. He cannot look replusive (for obvious reasons)
6. He cannot be too much of a mummy's boy (if things get serious, i don't wanna fight over his mum)
7. He cannot be less intelligent than me (i'm already stupid, any guy worse than me will therefore be tortured to death with my cynicism)
8. He cannot, under any circumstance think i fat even if i am. ( i refuse to go through the torture of him nagging me to lose weight)
9. He cannot be more of a bum than me (that's difficult larh, but yarh. cannot.)
10. He cannot be alcoholic or a chain smoker or both (bad for his health and mine)
11. He cannot spend more money than me (bad for his wallet and mine)
12. He cannot punctuate his sentences with vulgarities of any language.
13. He may not think badly of my friends no matter how badly they think of him
14. He cannot be abusive
15. He cannot be disrespectful in anyway to anybody
16. He cannot have late tendencies
17. He cannot try and take over my life
19. He cannot expect me to be someone i'm not
20. He may not be a combination of any of the qualities i have stated.

There see. I have QC. I think it's a pretty good list. Haha.
Alrighty. I have to go for dinner. speak to you again soon. In the meantime. Miss me!


Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year everybuddi!!!

I'm in a much much much better mood now. I think because i have left the bad year behind and moved forward into the new year with 2 of my better collegues, Ken and PeiQi. Countdown didn't happen as we planned it. The plan was to go to ChinaBlack and squeeze with the crowd and countdown together in the havoc of the club. But, we didn't get to do that due to unforeseen circumstances.

I was supposed to end work at 3pm (it was supposed to be half day), but then, my company director wasn't in Singapore, so no one could call the shots in letting us have an early dismissal. So we ended up going home at 5 as usual. See, my collegues and I were going out for dinner, so i was all hyped up and excited cause i knew it'd be fun. Ken was the mastermind of the event. Since Ken was on the morning shift, he was able to leave work at 4pm and he had to go home and change cause we were supposed to go clubbing together see. But since i couldn't go home at 3 to change, i decided that i will not go clubbing with him cause i looked like a champalang shit and it makes no sense to go home and go out again just to club. Sleep is afterall more important.

Anyway, we had dinner at Fish and Co at bugis. It was good. Yummy yummy food! When we dispersed to go our own way, Ken, Peiqi and I were left by ourselves, each deciding where to go. The Initial plan was to go to ChinaBlack see. But i was just not dressed for it. So it was the "i'll go if she goes" conversation. So both of them were waiting for me to decide if i wanted to go. Honestly i didn't want to go. The thought of having to sqeeze with 10 million people and having 0.5m x 0.5m of space to move when i have no transport, no friend and no money wasn't very appealing. Usually when i go clubbing (which is not often at all), i go with my really close friends, so that physical contact would not be akward. But i'm afterall not very close to ken, and he is older (26) and about 1/4 the size of me. Weird right? So i was sitting on the fence.

In the end, the 3 of us ended up sitting around bugis and talking. It was 11.30pm when we realised the time, too late to rush anywhere before the countdown. So we went to Hotel intercontinental and crashed the countdown party. Haha. It was kinda cool, cause i'd never expect that i would spend new year's eve with 2 people i hardly know and having such a blast! Boy it was fun. After that, we really went our separate ways, Peiqi to supper, Ken to club, dawn to bed. Hee.

Maybe i should tell you abit more about Ken and Peiqi. I always talk about my work in general and never about my collegues. Out of all my collegues, i get along the best with ken and peiqi. With peiqi i clicked immediately. I don't know why. Peiqi's 22, and she came in to the company about 2 weeks later than i did. Somehow once we started talking, we just couldn't stop. She's my confidante at work. She's pretty. Always smiling and laughing. Very outgoing character. It's always so much easier to work when she's around.

Ken is a skinny poke. He's REALLY skinny. Not very tall, about 1.7m. He's about sharon's size (my clique sharon) Know how skinny that is...??? Even for a girl, it's too skinny! You can see the bones of his hands just by glancing at them! He's a very intelligent individual, you can tell just by talking to him. He's a graduate of NUS in microbiology. He's attached, but his girl works overseas, in taiwan, as a pharmacist. I really don't know how i became close to him, it just happened. Think even after i leave wyeth, we'll still be in contact. But he's a cheongster. Complex character he is. Haha. He's my oldest friend i think, and also the skinniest. He's not even 50kg. Freaky huh.

The funny thing is, both ken and peiqi speak in chinese. They're more fluent in chinese. So we speak in a mixture. It sounds awful actually, but it's just so nice talking to them. Hee.

Anyway. Enough about work. Know i was really sad when they didn't broadcast the countdown? I was so looking forward to seeing sly on TV! Darn it. Then Aileen made it worse by showing me her blog with a picture of sly cuddling her friend!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that i am a teeny bopper ok! I'm NOT! i'm just having this unexplainable crush on him. Did i mention that i bought a pair of aviators? Hee hee hee. I like sly. I'm having a secret love affair with him that isn't a secret to everybody except him. Fiona looks at me funny when i'm smiling to myself while reading articles and interviews of sly in the magazine over and over again. I think she suspects i left my marbles in the toilet bowl. Sly.... hee hee hee. I like. Oh! Dennis burned a sly CD for me for chirstmas!!! I love it soooooo much! Except the fact that it doesn't play. Heh. Only 3 songs are audiable. But he's going to burn another one for me soon! Hee hee hee.

Know arh. I'm running really late for my hair appointment. New Year must have new hair. Hee. I'm going for my brazillian wax tomorrow! Hee hee. Pain. This blog entry is really shit, but it's ok... cause you guys love me anyway right? Haha. See ya soon! As Nat says.. "call me if i don't call you."