Ok. Saturdays are DEFINATELY weird without Big. But i suppose i'll just have to get used to it. Really quite miss him. But aiyarh. what's done is done and i know it's the right thing to do. So just leave it in God's hands and have faith that things will turn out for the best.

Anyway anyway... new wishlist.

1. A Nalgene waterbottle (need it for work)
2. A nice simple hair pin (mine just broke)
3. Ang pao ( i still need the financial help)
4. Slimming endorsement ( i am still fat)
5. Vouchers ( practical as i am)
6. Sponsor my next brizillian
7. Buy mask sheets from my shop and give them to me. (Hahaha. No money to buy for myself)
8. The Swarovski bracelet ( it's freaking nice larh!)
9. Colour restoration for my wallet (it faded in the wash at the dry cleaners. KNN CCB)
10. Snowglobes ( i still love them)
11. The freaking Guess bag that is sold out at the boutiques (this is a WISH list.)
12. The nice DKNY handbag that i've always fancied. ( I always go and look at it. Haha)
13. Deep down inside, i still want my big box. ( want my BFG in it)

As i said. WISHlist. Haha.

I can't wait for my party. I'm sure time is going to pass really slowly this week and torture me. Though alot of ppl either can't come or are going to come really late. But i shall just be grateful for all of those who are going to come. Hee. Hope i'll have my uniform to wear and that it'll be fun. Can't wait can't wait!!!!

Alrighty. Me sleepy. I have an auto mechanism now. Once it reaches 11.30... i get drowsy. Work routine. Got to go. see ya! Come to the party!

I went to work with almost no make up and a GIANT pimple on my nose. It is very very red. I look like rudolph and sell skin care. Fantastic right? Darn pimple. Yarh. i know i shouldn't be complaining cause my face has cleared up ALOT. But pimples on the nose are really painful, really hard to conceal, take really long to go away and cannot be squeezed. I hate pimples on my nose. It better go away soon.

Today i was in the parco toilet and there was this grandma with her daughter. I suddenly really miss my mummy. I miss talking to her and seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I miss whining to her that my birthday is coming. I miss her asking me where i want to go for dinner. Even though i know that she's proud of me cause i've graduated from poly ok and i'm going to uni to do a challenging course, a course she wanted me to do, i can't help thinking how much easier things would be with her around. She'll scold me for being stupid about this whole Big thing, but then later she'll be encouraging and help me mend my broken heart. I miss her saying "if a boy cannot treasure a girl like my dawn, he's stupid." Haha. It's so silly, but when mummy says it, it's just so re assuring. Even though i don't have a boyfriend, mummy's love was enough to pull me through. Now, i don't have both. Well. it's not tangible anyway. I miss my mummy. "mummy.... my birthday coming....." i just wanted to say it. I haven't said it in 2 years. "mummy... my birthday coming..."

Oh well. Here i am again. Alone. Pui. Ok. Off to bed. Work tomorrow. Haven't hit target this week!!!! No commision! ARGH!!!! Must jia you!

In the words of Sonic the Hedgehog..... "i'm still waiting........................" ARGH!

Anyway. I don't have a uniform to wear to my own party. Darn it. I just asked Fel to get one for me, hopefully she remembers. I'll bug her day and night. Haha. Anyway, turns out that Jared isn't coming cause he has some army exercise, Royston may not make it in time to come cause he has police duty, Fenny may not make it cause she has to work and Kiwi may decide not to come for obvious reasons and all i'll get is a heart wrenching excuse. But in brighter light, my cake is fantabulous! It's going to be blueberry butter cake and a fairyland theme. So exciting! Hee hee hee. I hope everybody else can come.

I'm just terribly excited about the party cause it's the only thing worth looking forward to since my Saturdays are no longer occupied with "commitments". Going to pay my school fees this Saturday with pa. It suddenly feels very real. I'm going to university. Who'd ever thought that Dawn would make it to university. I'm like one of the worst students on Earth. It doesn't help that i'm also the laziest and the most ill disciplined. Arh. School seems so long ago. It's been almost a year since i attended classes. The last memory i have of school is attachment and Wyeth and our weekly Simpang sessions with out plaster prata and milo dinosaurs. Things were more simple then. Perhaps even happier then.

Know my Hp is kinda cocked up. It's starting to lag. The buttons take awhile to respond. I don't know why i'm having so much problem with this phone. Maybe we just don't have affinity. I want my samsung e700 or nokia 8800. Haha. Slowly wait. Buy the 8800, i 1 month no need to eat. I miss my e700. I had so much fun with it. It has so many memories in it. Me and Ling, Me and my square, me and Nat, me and dennis, even with Wynn. But of course now there's Meiqi as well. So that's a good thing.

Alrighty. I'm going off to bed now. Got to to work morning tomorrow. *groans* See ya peeps. =)

To the relief of everybody, i finally had the talk with Big. At this point of time, i feel very much like Charlotte in Sex and the City, when she was waiting in agony for Harry to call. How she was so eager to fall in love and ended up with the wrong guy, then getting divorced and then falling in love with her divorce lawyer and then blowing it up. Of course we all know that Charlotte gets a happy ending. I don't think that's going to happen for me.

It went something like this...

Me: Don't you even want to try?
Him: Actually, no. I don't want to try.
Me: Why?
Him: I don't want to commit to something i don't have confidence in.
----------------------------------------
Me: Can't you be happy with me?
Him: *silence*
Him: I think we'll both be happier if we both just back off.
Me: *agonised laugh* You still think that's possible? We can't just back off. The only way we can do that is to stop seeing each other entirely.
Me: Will you be happy with me?
Him: No.
Me: Will you be happy without me?
Him: No.
Me: Then how?! You don't want to be with me but you want me to be with you. I can't do that.
-----------------------------------------
Me: What do you want?
Him: Nothing.
Me: You can't want nothing. Everybody wants something. What do you want?
Him: I want us to be friends.
Me: We can't do that. We've tried, but here we are again.
Him: *silence*
--------------------------------------------
Me: This is very hard for me to say. But i think we need time to be apart. Cause i think this is coming down on you too hard and too fast.
Him: *silence*
Me: Why not you take some time to think and call me when you're ready. If not i hope you're happier without me and i'll see you on the 3rd of september. Though i'm really hoping you'll call.
Him: I will call. Lets go. We're all tired.
---------------------------------------------

That's just some parts of it. So there isn't a conclusion. After so long, he still doesn't know if he likes me. He says it's inconsistent. So what else can i say? I think i've said everything i could to him already. The ball is now in his court. I'm just hoping he'll say something pleasant. Though the chance of that is close to zero. He has yet to call. I'm still clueless. What happens after this i really don't know.

Can i really go through with this? Can i really just cut him out of my life? Can i really get over him and what we had? I don't know. I'm finding my inner strength now. Have to deal with the broken pieces. Have to clean up once again. Have to numb myself again. I find myself back at the beginning again. Not knowing myself again. Wrong judgement again. Suffering again. Insecure again. Alone again. It's just... all over again.

Brilliant dawn. Just brilliant. Just too bad for you. You just deserve to be alone. All the wrong judgements you've made. All the stupid things you've done. You had it coming. Why did you ever think that it would be different. You're still the same as before. Stupid and blind. Lost everything you invested. Well done. You truely deserve it.

To my darling... I just want you to be happy. With or without me. Now it's your choice to make. The moments will die the minute you call to say you're sorry. My heart froze the moment you said no. What we shared is so much more real than you care to realise. What we have is so much more emotional that you want to admit. But darling. I don't know who i am to you. You've made me so confused i don't know what to think. Who i am just isn't enough. Darling. I need you to be stronger than that. I need you to have some faith. I'm so sick of being strong. Baby. I just need you to have some faith. Baby. Please come back.

It feels so good to laze around in bed and not having to jump right out of it to go to work. It's just alittle unfortunate cause i am not feeling too well. My nose is blocked and i have to breathe through my mouth. Not feeling very glamourous. But I have to go out later. I'm meeting Mr Big.

Now now. Don't roll your eyes at me. I've basically been in angony the past week. Speculation was killing me. Overwhelmed with frustration and confusion. Feeling more and more foolish by the day. Had various talks with my babes. There is actually no solution. But i just wanna know where i stand. We can neither move forwards nor backwards. Basically there's absolutely nothing i can do or say to make things better because this is the best we can get. I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. It's a tricky situation and has to be handle with lots of care and tact and sensitivity. Of course, this is only me. I don't know about him. Maybe he doesn't even think it's an issue. Oh well. We'll see.

Work's basically been ok. My colleagues are nice. I enjoy working with them. Sales hasn't been good, but oh well. What can i say. I just do my best. The thing about my job that i don't like is that i never get to spend time at home anymore. Everyday when i get home, everyone is sleeping. I go out with my friends on weekends. I feel bad everytime i talk to Aileen and she says... "you never go out with me." Guilty as charged. What to do. Don't work then got no money and too much time. Work, then got no time and still no money. Then how?! Studying is still the best. Talk about studying. I really have to go down to IDP soon to settle school fees and stuff. If not i got no hostel to stay then cham liao.

The only thing i'm really quite looking forward to is my birthday party!! Hee hee hee! So fun! It's going to be a Ling's house. She has so kindly offered her place because i was completely distraught about not having a location and her parents were so nice as to let me trash their house. Jie has helped me book the caterers and i'm going to have a fantabulous cake and have all my friends in school uniform! Haha! It's a theme party, therefore everyone has to come in school uniform! except maybe my wyeth friends who will likely not have any connections with school anymore. Haha. I just hope it doesn't flop and that i don't get wasted. I'm terrible when i'm wasted.

Anyway, by popular demand. I'm going to post up my birthday wish list. Yes. I'm thick skinned. So what? I need to be seen and heard. I'm not made of glass. So hear hear. Haha.

1. Birthday card with long written messages
2. Ang pow (i am so financially disabled now)
3. A slimming endorsment ( i am financially disabled and fat can.)
4. Samsung E700 in good working condition (the handphone that was stolen from me)
5. Nokia 8800 (it just looks so darn good)
6. The LOTR necklace from the shop at esplanade ( i just like the idea of it)
7. Precious moment/ disney snowglobes ( i just love snow globes!)
8. A diamond necklace (becuase i love diamonds. haha. who doesn't)
9. A watch
10. Some key ring from Tiffany's
11. The freaking expensive bikini from New Urban Male (for what? i also don't know. to wear when i'm slim after the slimming endorsment)
12. Vouchers of any sort. ( Watsons, restaurant, Borders, Lee hwa, Manicure, Strip. Anything practical)

Basically. This wish list is as good as useless. Cause no one is going to get me anything from it. What i want cannot be bought. I want Big. I want my degree. I want to help ken set up his business. I want love, health and happiness for everyone. I want world peace. I want money. I want my mummy. I want sheena. I want a time machine. I only seem to want things i cannot have. But that's life ain't it? That's what keeps people moving.

Anyway. Presents or not. I just want the party to turn out great. With my friends and family. They're my presents. They're the best presents ever. Now i just need Big to be a present as well. What can i say? I'm a girl lost between dreams and reality. They call it Limbo.

Off to polish my nails! TTFN.

i don't have much to blog.. so maybe i'll leave you to some pictures. dug them out from somewhere. they're random larh... but i like them. haha.


One of the 1st few pics i have with ling. We were both thin then. and i had nice long semi str8/ curly (natural) hair which i somehow cannot manage to grow back. This pic is really old.


The reason why i will think trice about perming my hair again. I think few people remember me with permed hair. It was just bad larh.


One of my favourite pictures of dennis. We used to spend so much time together. Chilling at my place and stuff. Kinda miss it. Miss ya dude. Won't be seeing you in a long while.


One of my favourite pictures of Us. Too bad esther isn't in it. My hair was so nice that day. Before going to JB to rebond. This is also proof that i have put on ALOT of weight. It's the "music of the night" karaoke. Remember Russell mambo-ing to "Heaven is a Place on Earth". We had fun that night.


Me and Jac on the morning of the BBQ. Jac still looks so glam in market attire (we really went to the market ok), while i am the epitome of "auntieness". Look so damn ah sum can?! But i kinda like this picture. I have to dig out the super OLD SCHOOL photo of us and post it. Haha.


A more Glam picture of me and jac. I like this picture too! Taken at NYDC during one of my complaining sessions. Please compare with the picture above. Haha.

Ok. I'm too lazy to post somemore. Next time. I'll dig out old school stuff to post. Haha. I therefore conclude that i have put on a MASSIVE amount of weight. It's depressing. Nevermind larh. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. Next time. Haha.

I'm having the distant familiar feeling of aching legs. Like the 1st day i started at royce. My legs hurt. At least at The Face Shop i can wear birkies. But standing for so long is detrimental. How come they don't have some lotion for vericose veins or something along those lines? Weird.

First day was quite ok. My colleagues are nice and friendly and happy people, so that's good. But i was generally quite intimidated by all the products. It's totally different looking at them as a buyer. I tried to grasp what each product was for and all their special properties, but i'm still rather unsure. Got to start "studying". They should have a product and price list for me to study. nevermind. Make do make do.

The other thing that really intimidated me is the fact that 90% of the customers speak CHINESE! I mean i'm ok with conversing with chinese. I do it quite effectively with ken and peiqi, but how on earth do you say... "skin rejuvination", "anti-oxidant", "detoxification", "clarifying", "pore tightening" in chinese?! This is likely to be the most challenging aspect of the job. Overall, i think it should be quite alright. My colleagues are rather nice.

I'll be working at The Face Shop, Parco bugis on weekdays, from opening hours to closing. Come say hi and buy something! Haha.

I met up with jac jac yesterday. I realised that when i meet jac, we never really do any active activity. All we do is sit down, have coffee and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. I guess we really have alot to say to each other. Haha. You know, if i hadn't known jac all my life, i probably won't get along with her. We're like the opposite ends of the pole. But SOMEHOW, in God's wonderful plan, we're the bestest of friends. =)

Met up with Gerald too! Been awhile. Me, Jie and Gerald went to The Orientation for dinner. $45++ per head buffet. It wasn't impressive. Had better. But of course i shouldn't hiam. People pay for me to eat, so just eat. I promise when i get money from this job i will buy my jie and gerald dinner at some fancy place. I always leech off them. But what to do? I'm a poor girl. Wanna donate to dawn's charity drive?

Otay. I'm really quite exhausted. My legs hurt. I think i shall go and lie on my bed. I've only worked for one day, somehow it feels like one week. Whatever it is, i'm glad the weekend is here, for more reasons than one. =)

Am starting work at The Face Shop on friday. Will let you guys know which branch i get posted to, and you have to come down and say hi ok!

Talking about work, i have to go down to Royce tomorrow to return my punch card. Pui. The moment i thought about having to go back there just ruins my mood entirely. I don't know why. I'm still madly in love with the chocolates but having to see the staff and the managment is just such a major turn off. What is there to say? What if my bosses call me in and start asking me stuff and talking to me? Sucks to the core larh!! I calculated my pay for the month of july. Assuming i calculated correctly, i only earned like 245 bucks in the month of july know! How little is that?! This is assuming i calculated right, it could possibly be lower. Shit man. Feel so cheated. It's not even enough to pay for my diving larh! I won't say it's a waste of time cause i really learnt alot. But i feel like i've wasted all that effort. Yucks. Don't work there.

Anyway... i'm feeling really worried now. My dearest Alvin is having chest pains again. It was so bad he blacked out. I can't believe they're even thinking of Re-course!! What the hell man! he's OBVIOUSLY not fit enough for BMT, and you wanna make him re-course for what?! So he can black out again?! How dense can men be? I tell you. Army needs to be run by some women. Poor Alvin lorh. The worst thing is that i can't do anything. I can't even go to the doctor with him. I can't even talk to him properly. Damn army. I hate NS larh. They better take care of Alvin. I'll sue them if anything happens to him. Wah lao! CHEST pain leh. Not leg or arm know! Chest leh! The cavity that contains the heart and the lungs can! 2 of the body's most vital organs larh! Think angina is funny issit?! Worried like anything now larh!

Anyway, the Tekong guys get long weekend this week. Too bad i'm working and can't really meet up with them. It's national day again. So fast. Time really flies. I remember exactly what i did last year in National day. It doesn't seem that far away.

Kiwi, Fenny, Esther, Clay, Szeling and I went to Ambargo to watch fireworks. Remember i was driving and i was super pissed off that time. At that point of time i was still unfamiliar with kiwi's Chai Chee place and ended up getting really lost. Was so super irritated. But upon reaching Anbargo, everything was all good. =) I remember smsing dennis cause he was in Melbourne and watching the NDP online and he smsed me when the fireworks came on. Managed to catch it. It was so lovely sharing that moment with Mr Big. One of our 1st few moments. Haha. Then after that, we went over to Nat's house for some prata. And we were watching Van Wilder. I think it was van wilder. See. I remember like it was yesterday. I can even remember the drinks we ordered... ok.. actually i can't remember what ling and fenny had... but i remember Clay had a colorado bulldog, Esther had a quick fuck, kiwi had a daiquiri and i had a pussyfoot (no alcohol for me!). Haha. See. I can't believe it's already been a year. I have photos of that day. How things change man.

Anyway, i'm working on National day. Sly is going to be on shooting stars! Remember to tape for me!!!

"like with him it's a subtle breezing through a field with a smell so strong, yet you can't quite place". Jac used this cheem mataphor(?) to describe it. The feeling's very "toned down" yet at the same time very intense. Sigh. The Corrs sang... "what can i do to make you love me? What can i do to make you care?" I really simply don't know.