Alright, it's 2.36am and i've just gotten back from nat's house. Had a really good time there, although we didn't go anything except eat and talk and watch tv. But it's always so fun to be in nat's company. Anyone who has been out with her would know. Kinda planned our trip and our future. Sounds quite lesbianic doesn't it..? hahaha. Anyway, things are looking good as of now. We'll see. Went over to watch american idol and the O.C... ate ALOT. It was kinda like a second dinner. But i just couldn't resist yaya's cooking and the hum!!! I shouldn't go to nat's house so often, i can't afford the weight gain. Took a cab home. Cost me almost 19 bucks. Count myself lucky, the taxi uncle was driving at 130, if her were going slower, it'll be over 20 bucks. Mid night charge just sucks.

One thing i will have to admit. I miss Kit!!!! Argh! haven't talked to him in a while... i knew it'll happen. Oh well, you win some, you lose some i guess. But it's thursday, ok... so it's friday now... he always smses after O.C. Yeh, i guess this is the sign. I'll miss kit. That's for sure.

I was pretty much being part of the couch today. I just sat and watched tv the WHOLE day, since i woke up. Disgusting isn't it? Yeh, that's what i usually do during the holidays, i'm a couch potato for the most part of the day, and the rest of the day, i'm just being a stone. Sounds good doesn't it? How many people would love to be in my shoes. I love the feeling of having absolutely nothing to study, but when i'm bored, i tend to lose my equlibrium. heh. Always don't have much to do in the day, running off out at night. The security guards must be thinking this girl has no sense of discipline, coming home in the wee hours of the morning. He always looks at me funny when i come home. He probably thinks i'm nocturnal, which is far from the truth. I love my sleep!

Talk about sleep. I dreamt of alden and sharon last night. It's not usually very pleasant when i dream of alden and sharon. Anyhow, the creepy part was that when i woke up, sharon smsed me. Of all coincidences. Then i had to meet her to pass her some stuff, after not seeing her for ages and then she appears in my dreams and then i meet her to pass her stuff. She's looking good though. She was properly dressed, while i was still in my sleep clothes, hair never comb, face rotting... remind me again why he didn't like me...haha.. suddenly the song.. "am i not pretty enough..." comes to mind. haha.

Szeling's coming over tomorrow, we're going to be couch potatos together. I haven't seen her in about 3 days.. it's pretty amazing i lasted so long, i would usually be dysfunctional without her. Wynn's having her driving test in a few hours, since it's already friday now. She'll definitely pass this time. I miss jac, i'll probably go and meet her for lunch next week. Alrighty then, it's 3am now, i think it's a decent time to go to bed. So... night peeps!

It is 2.36 in the afternoon. I have just woken up. Heh. Which is actually a good thing because most of the morning is gone and thus i have less time to kill while vegetating at home. I actually have a lot of errands to run today, but i'm feeling extremely lazy. Then again, what is new. I just gave a call to szeling, and she's out with wynn. So therefore, today, i have NO FRIEND. It's ok, i shall just go run my errands later when i'm feeling less like a slug. My face is decomposing. It looks really really really rotten. Hormones... darn the hormones. It better clear up soon, i don't want to go on holiday looking like a corpse. Not good for taking photos. haha.

Anyway, the reason i'm up so late is, I reached home at about 4.30am this morning. Went over to play mahjong at kiwi's house with the night kahki's, i.e: esther, fenny and kiwi. We played until about 1, then we got hungry. So, we went down to sempang to have prata and milo dinosaurs. Fenny was so nice as to treat us the prata... afterall, she won the most number of rounds. haha. Sat down and talked and talked and talked. Guess we all learnt something new about each other after our supper session. Esther's going on a veggie diet this week. Man, really admire her, i'd die if i had to do it, prolly won't have the perserverence to go through with it. The thing is, she's already soooo skinny. Girl, you better eat more eggs, otherwise you're going to waste away to nothing. Esther and fenny are going to watch Tad hamilton today. Fenny won a pair of tickets. Looks like i'm the only one today with nothing better to do than running errands.

I haven't seen my yandao online for a couple of days. Which to me is actually kinda weird. But oh well, got to get used to it. When people start dating, they do the disappearing thing. It's happened one too many times. *shrugz* Dennis callled me on monday though. He sensed that there was something wrong with me, so i guess he just called to check if everything was ok. It kinda made my day better although i sounded really distant. Guess it was just a bad time cause of the lack of sleep, so i was kinda not really concentrating. Sorry. But thank you sweetz. It was such a nice thing to do.

Yeh, my stomach is kinda growling now. Geez. I've had supper last night, so i really shouldn't be eating. Putting on weight like no one cares. I think i shall now go and shower, then i shall go over to eastpoint and run my errands. Errands cost money, i have a short of it. Darn. When you're bored, you spend money to try and de-bore yourself. I'm broke. Sian. Alrighty... LATER!

The exams are finally over! BUT. it did not end well. I have just sorta recovered from a serious case of diarrhoea. I really mean diarrhoea. I think i spent most of 2 days in the toilet. The worst thing was that i had to go for my exam with my condition. It was AGONIZING. I finished my 3 hour paper in 1.5 hours cause i needed to rush to use the toilet. I don't remember what the paper was about, i don't remember what i was writing... i didn't even take one look at alden sitting next to me... i was just breaking out in cold sweat and holding my stomach which was threatening to tear itself apart. So hopefully i didn't fail the paper.. cause i studied the hardest for this last paper. Oh well. Life's never fair. The good thing is that it was the last paper, so i had time to recover, dun need to study. So i shouldn't complain too much.

I was actually supposed to go for bible class after the paper, but since i was dying, i had to bail on szeling. Poor girl had to go for class and service alone. Sorry babe. I really was dying. However, my dad seeing that i was half dead and sensing i hadn't eaten a thing the whole day, dragged me out to have dinner. Was feeling absolutely the pits. Came home and ran to the toilet to hibernate for the next hour or so. Luckily i woke up this morning feeling much better, though i wasn't really feeling up for sunday school... so szeling had to take it herself this morning. Sorry babe. I know i've abandoned you these 2 days, but thanks for understanding and sharing my pain that night. Letting me cry my heart out and not telling me that i'm being a wimp. Appreciate it.

" There's love, there's true love and there's great love. Love, you'll get over it in 2 months, true love, in 2 years and great love, which changes your life." It's from the Tad hamilton movie. I think it was great love for me if you put it that way. Know how you tend to lose your friends when they start dating and getting attached..? I suddenly felt it full blast today... although ironically, it hasn't really happened. Some people will say i'm being petty, oversensitive, immature or possesive... whatever. One major flaw of mine is that i like to hold people close to me, and sometimes i find it hard to let go of whatever that has been established. It's selfish sometimes i know, i'm trying to change alright. When i friend i've just started to get close to told me today that he's fallen for a girl and i think she has fallen for him too... and that things might start getting serious... i suddenly felt a sense of emptiness. Like part of me had died. I know what's going to happen, i've experienced it so many times and boy does it suck. It got me feeling really rotten, cause everyone who is dear to me is either leaving or has left. Then i started to think why does it always happen to me? Like why is it that i'm always the one feeling the sense of loss? Always you know, always. Since the *ahem* incident, it's been like that... one by one... i really hate the feeling. It really eats me away, i wonder how much more of me is left to die off. I know it's silly, and it's selfish and petty and whatever else you wanna call me... but i'm just sorry i love the people around me so much alright? I know i probably don't matter to alot of people, and alot of people don't understand what i'm saying or feeling, but it damn hell sucks. Sometimes i don't know if i give out too much or too little. I don't know who i am... i'm sometimes so frustrated with myself i don't know what to do. I know i think too much, people always tell me that... but i'm not left with alot of true friends. It just sucks when you think about all that has happened. Most of the time i just wanna hide under my blanket and never have to come out. It's like being lonely in a crowd. I don't know...

ANYWAY. I'll be flying off for a holiday in about 2 weeks or so. I think i could use the break. Szeling says i'm abandoning her. Then we'll have our routine conversation when we talk about my trip. I miss szeling, haven't seen her in about 2 days. That's really rare you know. On contrary, i've met donnavan EVERYDAY this whole week. Bet he's getting bored of me. hahaha. Nevermind, after this week, he'll see me alot less once he starts working. Abit of overdose now won't kill him i guess. To my surprise, alden smsed me today to ask me when i'm going to drive the few of them for a meal. Know i haven't conversed with alden for about 3 weeks. Considering we see each other almost everyday, we don't exchange words, sometimes not even a hello. Yeh, the past year has been really hard for me to pull through. Hopefully the next part of my year will be better. I'm fading away. Living in my own shadow. Well, since i am going to be driving my friends for a meal, i think i should start learning to drive to other places. Quite a loser, i don't know how to drive anywhere. Actually i know how to drive there, but coming back is abit of a problem. I'm quite bad at directions see. Heh, learning, learning. Have to practice my parking too. It's bad.

Alright, the holidays are here now, whoever wants to go out just drop me a sms or a call. It sucks that everyone is either working, in army or overseas. Only have szeling... one friend. I think nat's more free now! Should give her a call soon. Yeh, have to start planning for our trip. Hee. OK, got to think about how i'm going to rot for the next 2 weeks. Think i'll call szeling now to discuss it. Heh. See ya!

One stupid thing dawn said today... let me tell you what happened. Jac's friend called her during lunch today and asked her to go to zouk tonight, but she declined. After she ended the call, she told me about it... and i said.. "huh? zouk? but it's tuesday...!" Then she said.. "oh yarh arh." Then we were both thinking how weird it was. At 8pm, Jac smsed dawn to tell her that it's wednesday. Therefore dawn and Jac were both feeling quite retarded cause it took us most of the day to realise that it's wednesday today and not tuesday. Yeh, one of the more stupid occasions in my life. Geez.

OK. I am REALLY thankful to be able to say this... MBIO WAS OK. Phew. I don't think i'll fail, but i don't think i'll do well. As i said. As long as i can pass and not need to take supp papers, i'm VERY satisfied already. I don't deserve to do well this sem because i've been a complete slacker this sem. Then again, i never do really well. Well. I'm not complianing. Mbio was ok. ONE MORE PAPER! After which i will be liberated! OH YEH! Szeling finishes tomorrow.. darn it. She's studying in school with J.low now. Hopefully it's condusive. If i were her, i'd be pretty distracted. heh. Got to start digging for my Heam notes later. My heam notes look really scary... they're about 4 inches thick. Have to study all that by saturday. How cool is that..? MBIO was ok... Thank God.
I just got back from having lunch with jac. Went down to raffles place from school. Suddenly felt like i really miss her.. so i called her up for lunch. We managed to talk about quite alot of things in a span of 1.5 hours. Talking about our sisters and their schoolwork, about universitites, about our decisions. Man, we've grown up. I never imagined my life after o levels.. it's actually quite scary talking abouot things like that because very soon, we'll all be working, sitting down in power suits, drinking coffee and talking about who's getting married. Yee. Old. Yeh, that's the thing with Jac and i, we can not see each other and not talk to each other in yoinks but when we sit down and talk, we can go on and on. Jac's the beauty and the brains in our frienship... i'm just the lump.
I miss nat... although i just saw her on saturday. Didn't meet our "talking" qouta see... yeh.. nevermind, after this week i'll have all the time to meet her... and i'll be with her 24 hours a day for a week... so yeh.. maybe some distance is good. She needs to breathe. haha. Then i miss my Lp too! BUt it's ok... i think we'll be hanging out on sunday. Haven't seen her in a long time. I'll have to meet up with Fel too... all the busy working people. Makes me feel so guilty for sleeping in sometimes... But that's not often.. feeling guilty i mean. haha.
*burp* Really full now. Let me tell you what my younger sis had for lunch. Think most will know how skinny and flemingo like my little sis is. So maybe this will come as a shock. She had 1 big kabab and i really mean big, 1 egg, 1 chicken wing, yellow rice, coleslaw and a bowl of ching teng... she finished it all. Clean clean. When i came home, she was finishing up her ching teng... my goodness. It's not fair that she can eat so much and is still so skinny. What happened to me?! She's good the good genes. Darn it. But really, if you know how skinny my younger sis is... it's scary man. Aiyoh!
Alright. I think i will go and sleep now. Quite sleepy. Long time never wake up so early. Thank God once again the paper was alright. Szeling and Kit have PC exam tomorrow. Good luck man! Return me the luck on saturday ok..??? Ok... talk later when i wake up. Nap time! I love being a pig... oh wait. I'm the hippo. haha.

Sometimes you feel as though you left part of yourself behind when you move one and try and get over the old. Just when you think you're doing fine, handling it well, the past comes back to haunt you. Maybe you'll find a letter from the one person you're trying to get over lying in a crisp envelope on the dining table. You recognise the handwriting. You're excited, nervous, scared, sentimental and reluctant at the same time. Most of you wants to open it and read it, but part of you doesn't. You're worried the feelings will become real again. That it'll surface again. You spend what seems like hours looking at the letter,holding the envelope in your hand, passing it around from one hand to another, the envelope is not crisp anymore. At that moment, you decide that you'll leave the letter for a time when you're more prepared. Putting it down in your drawer, you think to yourself... "Another time... i can't deal with it now." You walk to the bathroom, take a shower and think to yourself... "why am i being such a wuss." Who's expectations are you living up to...? Maybe you feel like you don't understand yourself now, but the truth is, alot of feelings cannot be explained. You may regret alot of things that COULD have happened. But you've got to realise how far you've come and effect of your decisions and be proud of it, be proud of yourself. So many other people are proud of you.

ANYWAY! MY GREEN BAG HAS BEEN FOUND!!!!!!! JAC!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! I'm being taken over by a bitter sweet feeling now. I was so happy to see my green bag. Inside are my treasures, my memories, my 1st love. This bag has been missing for years... i'm so glad it has been found at last. I actually teared when i opened it. These are the memories i never want to forget. The smell of the soap carving flooded me with warmth. How i always tried to keep it dry so it won't melt. After all these years, it's still in good condition. My conversations with him are suddenly fresh in my mind, how i laughed at him for craving the soap for me, and how i was so shy when i opened it. haha. That was me when i was younger. Feel so content now that i have my green bag. =) It's a very significant part of me, although it was a long time ago. I think it kinda moulded me to who i am today. Well it was the start of the moulding process anyway. My clique will know exactly what i'm talking about. *winkz*

Now's the shitty part. I HAVE TO STUDY! exam tomorrow. Mbio. One of my worst. shit. see ya! I FOUND MY GREEN BAG!!! HEE!

ok.. i just read what i had posted. I decided that i had really bad writting techniques when i was young. So don't laugh. I was 15 and was thus, young and stupid, and immature, and stupid. Now i'm old, slightly more mature but more stupid to add to it. Yeh, it sounds really weird and sappy right..? OK, don't laugh at me... it meant alot at that point of time see. Why am i bothering to explain myself anyway, i'm sure nobody is understanding what i'm rambling about. heh.

One night i dreamt theat you were here for me, just like you said you would be. In my dream, everything was perfect, it was like a replay of what we once were. Yet, at the end of my dream, I was left broken hearted and left alone by you, just like what i am now.

How long it has been. The tears that i have cried are for you, I wonder if you realise what i'm going through. You may say that we were nothing but friends, though in speech this is true, but in heart you know that we were so much more. True, you've told me the feelings you had for me were no more, but why is it i can't feel the same?

I've asked myself, why do i suffer the pain you've brought to my life and the answer, i find, is because, i truely love you. I gave you my heart and you broke it so many times, but time and time again i pieced it back together in hope that you will return to me.

I know that it'll never happen and how i wish i hated you for what you did and said, but i can't because i love you and for that i forgive you. How i miss you just cannot be put into words but everytime i think of you, my tummy hurts.

So many times i wanted to call, but i thought, what was i to say? How can i pretend that everything is ok, when everything in my life has gone wrong. I don't understand how you do it, but it's because of this pretence that we've drifted.

Funny isn't it the time we were so close, just look at us now. Empty words you have spoken and the many times you have let me down, but all these i have cast aside, abandoned because i love you. I hate the feeling you give me, not a single sign of care, to show that you're thinking of me. It's so obvious now that you don't even care. Is it because you've forgotten me? If you have, i understand this treatment and accept it with hurt and disappointment, but if you say you're too busy, then i must ask, are we still friends? Have you given your heart to someone else? If so, please tell me so i can be happy for you, at the same time, hate myself for loving you so.

What if the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry? How sickeningly true this satement is. How can i send this to you? Did you know that it's because of you that i'm afraid to love? The hope that you'll love me again still lingers. The scar that has been left behind by you will never fade.

True, everything that happened wasn't your fault, but how i wish it were, then at least i would have someone to blame. I'm putting up with emotional torture because i love you and holding on to the hope that soon you'll realise that you love me too.

Wishful thinking on my part. How i wish i could send what i have written to you, but will it matter if you knew? Will things change? Could it be any worse? I don't know anymore. What i dreaded has come true. I don't know you anymore, but i just want to tell you that i love you and i hate myself for loving you but i can't stop loving you. All this ends with a sad goodbye. "Goodbye my friend, i miss you, in all that goes wrong, i hate myself for loving you, but it'll never stop me from missing you. You, with the smile that always brightened up my day. You, with the voice that sang me to sleep. You, with the arms that hugged me close and tight. You, with the eyes that twinkeled everytime i was around. You. My dearest."

I wrote this after i dream a couple of years back. I was young and naive. But i think i could used this many times in my life. Though it seems i love this person very much, i really did.. at that point of time, but somewhere down the line, i stumbled upon the person i really really loved. The pain was much greater and lasted much longer than this. In fact, i think i'm still hurting. I was looking through my things, and saw this crumpled paper, and memories came rushing back. The days i spent feeling like my heart had been blended, like i was en empty bucket, like i was a pile of dirt... i'm still feeling it. People come and people go. The problem with me is that i like to keep them close. I don't like to share my friends sometimes... but i hate being selfish even more. I'm conflicted. Having weird thoughts running through my mind now. If only there was "forever". 'Forever' is just an illusion created to make an ideal world. Nothing is forever... and that's the cold reality. Reality sucks, but guess what, that's where i live. It stinks.

My bestest best friend is going to join the ivy league in cornell university. She's going to be flying off to america for her studies in august. That's like 4 months away. I know she's just going there to study. But really really can't bear for her to leave. She's been my bestest friend for as long as i can remember, 16 years running. She taught me how to tie my shoe laces properly. We played with dolls until secondary school. All the great times we spent laughing and watching friends and cooking campbell soup and baking cookies. When i cried because i was broken hearted, plucking tissue and dirtying her sofa, she had her arm around me. When she got together with her boyfriend, she made sure i approved of him before getting together with him. I really really really really can't bear for her to leave. Although we seldom see each other, and we seldom talk to each other now, and there have been the really rough times, she's still my bestest. I can't deal with distance, react very badly to changes.. and america is soooo far away. I'm having problems dealing with australia... and this is halfway round the world. I'm so proud that she's going to such a prestigious university. She's always been the best at everything, and i swell with pride when i think about her going there. But at the same time, my heart sinks, because distance changes alot of things. Maybe when she comes back, we'll be like strangers? So unfamiliar. I'm being super sensitive about this, i know.. scolding myself for it. But i really really really can't bear for her to leave.

Jac dearie... if you're reading this, i love you much much much yarh..? I'm glad you're going. I know you'll do well... i shall miss you to bits. I already am.

I'm melting. I'm going to dissolve into a puddle of oil. Which isn't a bad thing actually. Need to get rid of some excess baggage. But it really is warm, and humid too. Really yeeeky feeling, sticky sticky.. at least with shorter hair now, it's not as hot. ONE good thing about having short hair.

My paper today was bad. I really shouldn't have bothered to study. I really studied know, i wrote notes and all that, BUT i didn't memorise. The paper was PURELY asking for memorised facts. Hate this kinda papers. I think there's no point in these papers, they should test on understanding and not on memory what. I really hate these kinda of "vomit" papers. It's really not within my ability to memorise stuff. I really don't have that kind of capacity. *gives a face* There's mbio on wednesday which is also vomitting paper. Just sucks. I just can't wait... CAN'T WAIT for it to end. Ling, fenny, Esther and i went to have some food after the paper. Think we were all quite cranked up after the paper. After that, Ling came over to nua. My head kinda hurts, feel alittle concussed. Had a good knock on my head just now, on the corner of the drawers beside my bed. Good thing it isn't bleeding.

I really really really missed dennis today, so i decided to give him a call to tell him that i miss him. Ended up having a chat. He sounded so tired, but at least he's good. Going out on dates and having soccer. Good healthy lifesyle. =) Think he'll be quite busy packing out his new house. At least there's electricity now. It's so hard to live without electricity. But it was really good to hear from him, although i was being mean and making talk to me when he was so tired. Just called up for no reason and without warning. Chey, like everyone is so free to talk to me. Chey.

Have to go to school tmorrow, for revision lecture, Mbio. Yee. But aiyah. I better go larh. Missed so many lectures. Tomorrow go and stone also good. More importantly, going to watch movie tomorrow with my gay partner, don. Watching starsky and hutch. Looks like a really brainless show. I like. Good to watch brainless shows when you're feeling stupid after doing many shitty papers. Ling promised to watch the prince and me over me with me over the weekend. YAY! i love going to the movies. especially to watch sappy shows. I love sappy shows. Hee hee hee.

Papa just came back with dessert... iced ching teng. Yummy! It's so hot... was just craving something cold and sweet and "liang". Going to have it now... want some..?? *slurp!*

I cut my hair! It's short. I mean it. It's above shoulder length now. My hair hasn't been this short since i left secondary school. This is what happens when you kill your hair and end up having to snip it all off. It's nicely coloured again... which is probably the best part of my day. The previous colour was just dreadful. Now it's red and orange and brown. I love it when my hair is freshly dyed. It always looks so healthy and shiny and alive. Yeh, but we all know what happens 1 month down the line. Going to grow out my hair again... it's going to take a LOOOONNNNG time. Talk about short hair. My classmate sharon cut her hair like REALLY short... as in it sticks out by itself cause it's soooo short. It's quite stylo and spunky.. but i somehow can't decide if i like it.. when i saw it.. i was like.. "woah!" It's really quite shocking and daring. It's really short... Takes alot of guts alright. Alden also bleached his hair. His uncle did it for him.. it's the patchy- uneven kinda colour pattern.. somehow... it looks weird at 1st.. but it grows on you. Alden looks good larh. He's been looking really good lately.. or am i just looking increasingly bad...?

My test this morning, biochem, was REALLY bad. I don't think i can pass... But if God lets me pass.. I'll really be thankful. I didn't do ALL the calculations and i wasn't even sure of the answers to anything! I came out of the test venue feeling like a rotten egg. really NO MOOD! Went to bum at Esther's house again today after the test. With Fenny too. Nothing beats good company. I didn't want to go with the guys.. cause they'll stress me out even more and i'll be in a REALLY foul mood. I don't like to talk about the paper when it's over. But Mmic in the afternoon wasn't too bad. Though i think i presented the answer to the 1st question wrongly. It's ok... as long as i pass.. i don't ask for much. MCT on thursday.. got to study for it tomrrow. Have some hope for MCT, been doing pretty alright for it so far. After which it's Mbio and Heam.. then it's OVER! YAY! Worried for Mbio. I don't remember going for a single lecture.. A borderline pass would be good enough. As i said, i don't ask for much. This sem didn't go too well.

Szeling has gotten her pay... she says she's going to treat me! Hahaha.. cool.. should start thinking what i wanna eat... Lawrys? Eh.. crystal jade..? Seldom i get treated you know.. must make full use of it. Haha. Nah, i'm just kidding. Don't want Ling to spend her hard earned money on me. We'll just go out after church on sunday and see what she can buy for herself. I can wear my nice new 3/4. hee hee. I used my nice new tote today... it's soooo nice. Love it even more because of the heart that came with it. Felt so happy carrying it today. Wish there was something i could do to return the heart that came with it. But i'm quite useless. *bleahz* I'll be meeting ling for lunch tomorrow.. then she can see my short hair and give me an honest opinion. Feel so insecure. Haven't had my hair so short for a looonnng while I's usually complain no end. Somehow i haven't really started complaining yet.

Yarh well... I've got to study tomorrow. Hate to study... but MUST. cannot say only. Cannot afford to fail too many. Plus i have a feeling that MCT is going to be quite tough. I think everything is going to be tough. Alden is probably mugging is ass off right this minute. I don't know how he does it... amazing. That's my BROTHER for you man. He's the pro. *beams* I'm missing someone really much.. only get to meet at the busstop and it isn't very often anyway. Never mind. Hopefully soon i'll get to see him larh. There's Mbio revision lecture tomorrow.. i'm not going to go. I'm being a bum. Alright. i think i will go now. Feeling quite sleepy... need to digest my new hair. Hopefully nobody hates it. *crosses fingers* wish me luck!

You know, alot of times i feel as though i invested in the wrong friendship and somehow for trivial matters, i feel very let down. Perhaps sometimes neglected, unappreciated, maybe less prefered. Seem to feel it alot more these days... the best way to get over it is just to ignore it and go and sleep. Sleep is the best medicine to alot of problems. Like alot of medicines, it doesn't cure the problem, but it makes you feel a whole lot better. Most of the time, you don't need the problem to slove.. you just need to feel better. But i think i feel rotten so often that it's taking alot more to make me feel better, especially when you come to realise that there are some people you hold so close that somehow manage to make you feel like you don't matter. The thing is, i know it's unintentional... but yeh.. suppose i'm just being petty. Just ignore me.
Anyway, i just got back from Bintan this afternoon. Much to my disappointment, i am still fair. I just didn't manage to catch the sun. Too short a stay i suppose. But it's not fair that everyone else except me is either brown or red... i am still white. So irritating. But it was a nice break. The water was great. Just nice... not cold. The sun was good.. though it could have been better.. but let's not be greedy. The guys were good for looking, though they mostly had a bikini babe attached to their waist. The seafood was REALLY yummy. I'd say it was a good trip... well.. if you take away the sea-sickeness and the "everyone is brown except me" part.
You should have seen the night sky in Bintan. It's sooooooooo beautiful. The stars were like diamonds in the velvet sky. Really bright and you feel like you could just pluck them out of the sky. I would have loved just to lie down on the ground and admire the sky... But i didn't want to get run over by a bus. So i just walked and admired. Strangely, i didn't see the moon. Bintan is really dark at night... and there are bats flying about. I was rather scared. Held on to my papa's hand and walked back to our hotel. I'll be 20 next year and i'm still holding my papa's hand. I'm a wimp. But it's really rather scary ok.. Had a lousy sleep there though. I don't sleep too well on any bed that isn't mine. Therefore i'm feeling rather sleepy now. Then again, i always feel sleepy. Can't sleep though, have to study.
Right now, my eyes are watery and my nose is blowing and my throat is itchy. I'm allergic to studying. Need anti-histamines for my allergy..i.e, sleep. Since that is currently not an option, i'll just have to blow my nose though the period of studying which i reckon won't take too long. ah hah. School's starting at 1pm tomorrow. Drving tomorrow, so won't need to wake up so early, which is good. But i have to collect my driving license tomorrow from the post office. Hee hee. Finally! It's got my nice photo on it. hee hee hee. Been waiting for my license since i started learning how to drive. At last. It's one of the very few things i've actually EARNED through my efforts. School is going to be out in 2 weeks... can't wait. Hmm... should i wear my new pants tomorrow..? Nah, i'm feeling fat... i'll stick to my monday attire.. Pajamas. It works perfectly for mondays. Alright, i will have to get down to studying now. Biochem... boy does it suck. Hate calculations.

woo... it's such a warm evening man. hopefully it'll be really really hot in Bintan tomorrow. I'm actually feeling quite guilty for going, because i have tests going on next week.. and i haven't even looked for my notes.. plus the fact that i always don't attend my lectures... man am i going to have sleepless nights. Anyway, i'm coming back on sunday morning. So i'll have sunday evening and monday to study.. cause i know i'll be sleeping when i get back. haha. I'm going to do really badly this sem... just let me scrape through.. i'll be really thankful.
I went out with Kit for the 1st time yesterday.. and i had a fantabulous time!!! went to watch hellboy.. it sucked. It was a bad show. Not nice.. dun watch it. waste money. Then after that went to pavillion to play pool and meet donnavan. The pool games we had yesterday really sucked big time man. Everyone is losing touch. Busy larh... no time to play.. plus i think lost interest already. Alvin popped over with his gf to say hello. Was so sweet of him. But i told him to send his gf home cause she looked bored. So he didn't stay for long. Which is good also larh.. cause i looked really shit. The after school, very tired, very stressed, very mang zhang look. Came home and watched O.C. It's a pretty good show, though the girl looks like she never eat for 10 years and she isn't planning to eat for the next 10. She's pretty though. Kit thinks she's hot. haha.
Anyway, woke up early today.. went to see my mummy. That stupid woman removed my family poto from my mummy's niche. She's just.............. i don't know how to describe her. It's beyond words. I'm refusing to be affected by it cause i dun think it's worth it. Stupid bitch. But after seeing my mummy.. we went down town to shop! Dad was feeling generous. He bought me $410 worth of clothes, which only consists of a top and a pair of 3/4's. Very very nice! Though i was eyeing this pair of white specs... he wasn't too keen on buying it for me. Crap. But i saw this $219,590 diamond ring in the window today.. the rock was HUGE! and it's really really amazing. I tell you... if you wear.. hand SURE tired. SURE! wahhh... so big you know. haha. i like. haha.
OK.. my comp is running out of batt... better go now.. Hope bintan is good tomorrow! see ya on sunday!

OK, i just witnessed the louded burp in the world. Szeling would have been really grossed out. eveytime i burp in front of her, she gives me this really dirty look. Aiyah, i don't do it on purpose what.. sometimes it just gets out you know... Jac would know the time i let a really loud one out.. and my mum yelled at me for being rude.. haha it was actually quite funny.
My arm looks like it's been abused. But nah, i was just having fun playing with Kit Kat, Esther's cat. The last time i saw kit kat, he fitted into a shoe box with space to spare, now he's almost as big as my russell. Kit kat likes to bite, like my russell when he was small... so i've got his bite marks on my arm. But it's cool.. he's adorable. Was at Esther's house today after Heam presentation and skipped mmic lecture, cause i got no friend... only esther my friend. And i kinda din really wanna go for mmic cause i dun like mr loh and his lectures.. he makes you copy and copy.. you get bored and tired after the 1st 10 mins. My loss. Heam presentation was good, Mr Poh said he was impressed... but it was quite bad when he got to the Q&A part. *bleahz* But i think overall it was alright. I can't say the same for MCT presentation yesterday... sloppy shoddy work.
Alden looked nice today... though i don't know what's with the leather shoes with jeans and polo tee.. it looks weird... but overall.. he looked nice. Cut his hair.. love it when he cuts it real short. It suits him. Nice nice. Talk about hair, i really think J.low should get a hair cut... his hair is parted now.. but yeh, i dunnoe why he just refuses to cut it. weirdo.
What would you do if you found out that your friend is pregnant..? I think i'd faint even if my friend hasn't fainted. What if I was pregnant..? I think i'd hide under the blanket for as long as it takes to grow a brain. I think i'd have no where to put my face. I don't know what i'd do man. Quite scary. It's come to a point in my life that yeh... pregnancy is no joke man... quite scary...
Szeling got quite wasred last night, she was talking rubbish. She's one of those who really talks rubbish when she's drunk. I think i'm the kind that gets knocks out... but then again, i wouldn't know.. i've never really been wasted. I was still sleeping when i called szeling this morning at 6.30am to talk cause she couldn't sleep... talk until almost 8am.. then i went back to sleep. Szeling was supposed to go to school... but she went back to sleep. Late again. Haiz. But what is new...? hahaha
Wai Kit looked soooo nice in formal today... hee hee. My yandao leh.. haha. He somehow doesn't look as small when he wears shirts. Looked so nice... everybody look nice. You know, everytime i see her... she just had to be doing something that irks me...? You just can't help but to get pek chek. It's really..... ARGH! you know, that kinda feeling. Irritating larh. I saw something that got my tummy stirring with weird butterflies today, he was playing really happily with some other girl. Then i got abit... eh... hmm.. not jealous.. but... aiyah.. just not happy. Very long never play with him like that already. Barriers have been build and walls have been set up... not comfortable anymore. Sad ain't it. Oh well. Cannot hang on for too long also larh. *shrugz*
Yay.. it's coming to the end of the week. Can see mummy... can go to Bintan. But exams are next week too... yet to start looking for my notes. Think they're collecting dust. But i must study.. cannot fail anything.. otherwise my trip will be at risk. Not too good. Alright.. i think i will have to go now. like my nre blog colour...? i think it's nice.. thanks alvin!

Just completed my Mmic report... boy does it suck. my eyes are so painful from looking at the comp for so long. Presentation today was quite bad, my group did such a sloppy job. Though i think i presented my part pretty alright. There's another presentation in a few hours... haven't prepared... got to think on my feet i guess. The moon is still full tonight. So nice... i think i'm dosing off... i'm super sleepy. Mmic just sucks. ok... i'm off to bed.. really sleepy. Goodnight all.

Know what..? I always feel really tired, but everytime i sleep... i always dream of the work i haven't done. Then i wake up feeling even more tired and even more sick of everything. Argh! Hate doing work, just hate it. Why can't we just study and not have work to do? I think i would actually get some studying done if i have less work to do. mm. Yarh. Chey. Say only. School sucks. Thank goodness this sem is coming to an end in about 19 days. I'm starting the count down.
Anyway, i bought a new bikini! Though i think i look like a lump of lard in it, but i think it's rather nice. Hee. Szeling picked it out... and she wanted to take a photo of me in it... i would have killed her if she did. It's white and blue and pink patterned. Will wear it to Bintan where nobody is looking. hahaha. I didn't buy shoes alright. Szeling did though. She bought this pair of killer heels! Think they're at least 3 inches high man! Got to walk like a bimbo in the heels. But they're really super nice. She was trying to influence me to buying the pair too... but *ahem* self control yeh..? haha. But she also got this really sexy formal black top for her presentation today... MAN! did she look hot! haha.
Eh, got to say sorry to Ling cause i was supposed to fetch her to school today.. but me being the moron that i am, took a wrong turn and ended up really quite lost. Thank goodness i managed to find my way back to school. But she ended up having to go to school herself. SORRY! But i'm going to fetch her later. Heh.
Went for lunch with Fenny, Esther, Kiwi and Chang Hong today at east point. Had 96 dollars worth of sushi... I think i ate most of it. After that, fenny left and the rest came over to slack around. Looking at my mountain of photos. Haha. I think all people do at my house is look at photos. But it was nice.. interesting because i never in my life thought i'd hang out with this group of people. Funny how life works out. But it was really cool... though chang hong was rather quiet. *shrugz* Then drove them back either to home or to school and came home again. Going to pick szeling up in abit. Thinking of how dennis comes to pick me up and send me home *sigh*
Speaking of dennis, he smsed last night to give me some tips on driving. Thanks man! Haven't spoken to him in awhile, i wonder if he's happy. I certainly hope so. I think i will be seeing him in about 5 weeks. Hopefully we'll have time to hang out... it'll be his exam period. So bad to impose at such a bad time. I'm supposed to go down to the agency to make payment sometime soon. It's all very exciting. BUt i got to get through the exams 1st. *groans* Though it's only 2 papers, but i'm really rather scared. Going to cartel to study with Esther tomorrow. Really got to get some work done. Oh crap! Have to do my mmic report and my APEL reflection. Shitters. Just Crap. I really wanted to go over to Nat's today to watch tv! But so many things to do..... *whines* It's going to be a long night tonight and tomorrow. Thank God for the long weekend.
Dennis is moving to his new place soon i think. Hee hee. Then he can use the cheezy pilllow cases. =) And he won't need to sleep on the sofa anymore. which is good. Bad for the back. I'm going to see my mummy on friday. Boy do i miss her. Although i don't seem like i do, i really really do miss her. And it gets to me bad at night. Mother's day is around the corner i think. I'd sing to her last time the Mother's day song... that only mummy is good in this world.. you know? And i do believe in that. Only mummy is good. Well, for the next 50 years in my life, i won't have another chance to call mummy again. Always took it for granted, things like saying "i love you", "i miss you", "mummy i'm home!"... I never saw how important they could be. So now i'd say it when i mean it. Wonder if my mummy is happy. I really miss her. Still can't bring myself to smell the smells and well, simply just cry.. maybe i don't want to make it real. Oh well. This is life. I had her for 18 wonderful years, lets not be selfish.
OK! On a happier note. I hope the weather is good on saturday! wanna go and get chao ta in Bintan! If it rains, i'll come back being more unhappy than what i am now. Haha. My life will officially be super sad. Yup! SHARON lp!!!!!! if you're reading this, i really really really miss you! see you soon ok..? Take care in the meantime, you're getting super skinny! Eat more. eh... talk about eat. Dinner time. should go off now. Got to do work tonight. At least have to finish the stupid APEL reflection shit. MUST! cannot say only. mmz. must. do work do work! sian.

Ok... i'm REALLY sleepy. Although i woke up at 4pm this afternoon. Hey, forgive me alright... i got home at 7am from doing project at Kiwi's house. We completed our stuff. Which is good... and i was looking soooo ugly i couldn't believe it. Eye bags popped out, no make up.. then pale pale.. yee. Gross. But i came home and slept until 4... was sooooo tired. Man i'm lousy. Woke up and got ready to go to the esplanade for SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. It was EXCELLENT!
Heh heh. I DROVE to the esplanade with my dad beside me. He didn't get a heart attack.. so i guess that's a good sign. Was speeding alittle... hungry larh. 1st time driving... it was cool. Still got to practise and familiarise myself with the roads and the car... I'm going to drive to school on monday... try try. Heh.
ANYWAY. the musical was really good. Man the guy does the pose really well. I think he spends hours practicing how to do it infront of the mirror. But he looks soooooo yandao from afar. haha. And he's abs are like.. "wooo hoo!" When he took off his shirt, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. I was quite sure i was drooling. Haha. Then the way they groove to the music is soooo amazing. Like their hips are not attached to their body. It was so fluid and in sync. So nice.... Makes me feel like dancing too. It's so cool and retro. So nice... hee hee. Szeling would love it when she catches it on tuesday.. cool stuff.
My eyelids are really heavy. I think i really need to sleep. Got to go wash my face first and brush teeth. Got to wake up for sunday school tomorrow... going shopping with Ling tomorrow after church. She wanna buy shoe... i promise i won't buy another pair... really! Don't give me the face alright... haha. i do have SOME self control. alright... work of the sandman is taking effect... better go before i start drooling all over my comp. see ya!

Oh man... i feel so poor thing. I have to go to Kiwi's house at 10pm to do PROJECT, OVERNIGHT! Tonight no need to sleep already. Then tomorrow got bible class. I'll be dosing off i think. Not good not good. Anyway, today was quite interesting. Lets see....
I had Mbio lab this morning. As usual, i didn't do anything. I don't seem to be very useful. Maybe i have super group members. Then Yuleng is always so nice to me. I don't really think he knows how much i appreciate him. ANYWAY. Dr Chang was telling us about how human emotions are prominent in animals too! How interesting. And he told us, that the size of a male's genitals are relative to the sexuality of the woman he's "mating" with. Hmm... Then he called women "walking incubators". Then i was like WHAT?! so mean. But then he said that in the world, women hold the power... then i forgave him for calling us incubators. hahaha. I decided that Dr chang is a really nice guy... he has STABLE written all over his face. Plus he's super intellegent, plus i think he earns quite alot, plus he's not bad looking. I think i dun mind marrying him. Hahaha. Esther also said she didn't mind marrying him. hee hee. But i think waht Dr Chang shared with us today is really quite amazing... i was like "wah......" This man is so intellegent.
Then after that had Mmic tutorial. This weeks tutorial went quite fast. Think cause we knew where to find the answers. But i don't like Mr Loh. He's mean. I don't like him. HMPH! I skipped lecture after that to go to the driving centre to collect money... i'm super broke. Which is more impt..? Money or lecture...? Is there even a choice..??? Then it started pouring. I wasn't wearing slippers! It's not supposed to rain if i don't wear slippers... hmm.. did szeling bring out her brolly..???
Ling and Wynn came over after that, cause szeling wanted me to help her decide what to wear for formal on monday. But nothing really struck as.. "YARH! WEAR THAT!" So i think she's still undecided. But as i always say, when the 3 of us are together, we do really retarded things... and it was REALLY retarded. Laugh until stomach pain. It was really stupid and funny. But then they left quite early also larh. Sian. I have to do overnight project. I'm so poor thing.
Anyway, i met up with Reynard yesterday for dinner. Everytime i go out with Reynard, we do nothing but eat and talk. We really can eat, and we really can talk. We talked from 3.30 to 10pm. He came over for awhile. But i think i look really weird yesterday. Look like i'm from the farm. Weird. But aiyah.. who cares right..? But i bumped into my ex-neighbour too. Then she couldn't recognise me at 1st. Then she said.. "wahh.... dawn.... so pretty! Really so pretty...!" =)))))) hahaha then i said.. "uh..? no larh..." Then she said.. "yarh.. really... so pretty... and you lost so much weight...!!!! Aiyoh... so slim now..!" =))))))))) wah! then i was thinking... how fat and ugly i was last time man... cause i look so horrible now.. and she said i look so slim and pretty. I must have been really bad last time... so gross. Yee. But i love hanging with Reynard... catch up and stuff. One of the few people who i can just be ugly in front of.. afterall.. i've known him for 11 years. haha.
You know what..? I miss my sharon Lp and fel... i haven't really talked to them for so long. Miss eating lunch and hanging out. Haiz. All busy people. But yeh, i really miss them.
Alright... i think i will have to go now... have to go and get ready to go for project. I'm not allowed to drive. Jie jie say so late... then 1st time drive so late no good. The never sleep then drive... no good. Then ok lorh.. don't drive. TAKE TAXI! hahaha. haiyah! wear what?! Sian.

OK. You know what.. i'm just not going to give a F*** about my Mmic project. See there is no point in doing a project that affects your grades when the tutor just isn't bothered to help you the least. Anyway it isn't even PBL. Even if it were PBL, tutors are suppsed to guide you through it. I mean WTF?! You're expected to conduct diagnostic tests and they run out of test kits..???? Then diagnos what?! Fiona and I are going nuts doing it. Everytime i leave the Mmic lab, my face is black as soot. So friggin annoying. The tutor isn't the least bit helpful or encouraging. Sometimes i just wanna show him my big attitude... but i decided he isn't worth my sarcasm. MEN! Hate lab... hate Mmic! I don't know how to do larh. Shitters.