I'm feeling really sleepy. I spent 44 bucks on cab fare today. How disgusting is that? I can explain. Today, i went back to Wyeth for interview. I woke up late. For the 1st time in my 20 years of life! I couldn't catch the company bus, so i took a cab to clementi where peiqi gave me a lift to wyeth. Her brother drove us. Then, after the interview, which lasted an entire hour, i took a cab back from tuas cause there is NO bus in tuas. The journey home costs 29 bucks. I think the cab uncle was damn happy. I've NEVER paid so much for cab even when there was midnight charge and a few stops to make. It's disgusting. Therefore, it is not good to work in tuas. What if you wake up late??? Taxi also cannot save you.

The interview was quite good. They had like the letter of appointment all written, ready for my signature. I was so tempted to sign on the line, but i didn't. Not yet anyway. The terms are pretty good. 1.75K a month (inclusive of 250 travel allowence), normal shift (5 day week 8.30 -5), $200 medical claim and 7 days annual leave for 6 months. Not bad horh. Plus it'll look darn good on my resume in future, cause they REQUESTED my return. Not only that, wyeth is a renowed MNC, it almost gurantees future employment in other companies. On top of everything else, i will be working with people i already know, Peiqi and Ken and the rest of the group. It's so difficult to find a working environment where everyone is so nice. Usually the politics flying around will slap you in the face. No such thing in micro lab. They're like a family, taking care of each other and helping each other out.

The question is why shouldn't i take up the job? Well, tuas is REALLY FAR AWAY!! And not forgetting that being an employee and being an attachment student renders a different set of expectations. I can't be running off at 5pm everyday. I can't sleep in the toilet. I'll prolly be working OT everyday cause the work load is insane. I'll prolly be a zombie for the next 6 months. The whole "no make up, i am so fat and ugly" thing will start all over. I won't have time to go for my amore classes with nat/ jie which i paid a good lot of money for, i won't have time to do my uni applications and i'll prolly die of boredom. Even though i'll prolly be a rich girl at the end of the day.

Some of you will know that i have also been asked to work in my mummy's company. I suppose it's my duty to help out. I know that i will also be bored out of my brains, even more so than i will be in wyeth. But this gives me more flexibility and more freedom to go for my classes and all. THEN HOW?! I have to answer wyeth tomorrow.

I hate making decisions. I mean i hate making decisions that have effect on my future. I mean i was thinking about how wyeth will look on my resume. And i think it'll look pretty darn good. But at the same time, i was thinking that i prolly won't be in this field anymore. So is this opportunity really that precious? Then after that i thought what if i really ended up back in this field and i regret not taking up this offer? What if no university wants me and i end up doing a degree in micro (actually i'd rather die than do that but under circumstances...)? THEN HOW?! I will have no credit to my name cause i gave up this ONE chance i had. Then wyeth will not want me anymore next time cause i screwed up this time. Then i started to reassure myself that i will not end up in this field. So many "what if"... I'M ONLY 20! I CAN'T MAKE SUCH DESICIONS!

Being an adult sucks. You have to answer your own questions and make your own choices. If things go wrong, you have no one to blame but yourself. I mean seriously. Wyeth is a great place to work with great people. But as much as i was tempted to sign, i know that my heart is not there. Wyeth demands nothing less than full commitment and dedication and i'm not ready to give that to them cause there is so much more i want to do with my time than to slog in the lab. I really feel bad that i'm going to say no. Cause they spoke so highly of me and my supervisor even asked me so nicely to come back. Peiqi will be happier with me around. I'll be comforted cause ken is around and will also be happy that i have peiqi. But i know that my heart is not in wyeth. I'm bonded to the PEOPLE. Not the job. Is that enough? With the great offer and great people, many will chide me for turning it down, but i just don't have the FEELING, the GAN JUE. THEN HOW?!

Now i'm just wishing that i still have to go to school. Then i won't need to bother about all these aspects, just study. I don't know. But there's one thing i know, if i work in wyeth, i won't be happy. Cause it's not my kind of lifestyle. As much as i love the people, i cannot bring myself to do that kind of job for the most of 6 months again. I'm a fussy, selfish girl. I know.

Please remind me never to get drunk, or high even. Man it looks ugly. What if i start talking rubbish and puke up and start asking for "ji toi!" Not a good thought. I hope i will never put myself in that position. Yee. So ugly.

Feel like i've lost my babe. It's sad for me to see that she's not walking as close to me now, but i'm so glad that she's happy. She's glowing. I guess that's what being "in Like" does to you. Good for you babe. You deserve every bit of happiness in the world cause you're just so lovely and beautiful.

I don't know why i don't have that kinda luxuary. Why i always have to see "my guy" cosying up to some other girl. I don't know why i always have to experience it. At the same time it's not my place to say anything cause he never was mine. It's just the feeling that i will never be good enough. Maybe i'm good enough, just not good enough for you. In any case. I'm in zen. Not going to care. It's just a bloody eye sore.

I'm quite cranky now. Feeling quite constipated. My wallet just sucummbed to wear and tear. My Dior wallet. The seam came loose. Feeling rather shitty. Why does everything that is precious to me always have to spoil. It always has to have something wrong. It always has to flaw. I lost my favourite hp, my car got broken into, my cross necklace spoilt... of course there are the spoilt relationships and friendships too.

I'm jaded. Don't hate me for it. Cause i already hate myself. It's one of the days when i'm feeling extremely ugly and unattractive. I think i need to sleep.

I am still ridiculously strung over the Sly/mia marriage thing. It just CANNOT happen! I refuse to sit and read such news about the "love of my teeny bopper self". I mean Sly CANNOT marry mia! HELLO! He's supposed to marry ME! Seriously. He cannot marry her. They've known each other for how long? Huh? Not even a year. He does realise that if he marries her, he'll lose popularity. NO one will wanna buy his album anymore cause the stupid girly hope that he'll one day be hers will be eternally dashed. Plus mia has a 3 year old son and sly is still so immature with the press and generally immature. Imagine sly as a dad.... YEH RIGHT LORH! He cannot marry mia larh please... he's an ah beng rocker who cannot speak proper english/chinese wanna get married what huh? Go back to school and du abit more shu 1st larh before you wanna raise a kid with a girl who has yet to realise what she wants. I mean she was supposed to get married to this drummer guy but broke up with him to be with sly. Hello. Does that give you alot of security? They're both 22 and prolly at the prime of their lives, how can they get married???!!! The thought of it just kills me! I have to grow out of this Sly thing very soon. Tis not very healthy. But he cannot marry Mia! Just CANNOT! *bleahz*

Change of topic. I cut my hair. It is now significantly shorter. You should never believe hairdressers when the tell you that they'll trim ABIT of your hair cause they just end up snipping off 2 inches of it. No matter how much you trust your hairdresser, never believe when they say the'll trim ABIT. PUI. Anyway, besides being short, it is coloured slightly ash. Not anything too drastic but definately a change. Had good comments so far, so yeh, i suppose it is rather nice. Hee. Now all i have to do it grow it out again, it's so short!! *grumbles*

Know what, i really miss my colleagues. Or rather my EX colleagues now. Was smsing peiqi during her lunch hour today and i felt so left out when they were discussing about the genting trip that we'll likely to be taking together. I miss sticking masking tape on ken and teasing him, miss seeing ming hwee smiling to himself and his inaudiable speach, miss peiluan and our conversations, miss peiqi ALTOGETHER. Makes me wonder if it would have been a better idea to have stayed in Wyeth. It wasn't a bad experience, but there are so many factors to consider as well. Why is it that we have to make our own decisions when we get older? It's such a chore. There is such a fine line between happiness and misery.

Alden's lucky, he's working now at NCC (national cancer centre), he was attached there and he's earning like over 2k a month. Know how much that is? It's more than a graduates pay and he's not even a diploma holder YET. Basically he's just an O level holder having a more-than-graduates pay. Attachment isn't a bad thing after all. I guess it opens alot of doors or windows. Perhaps in june i might go back to Wyeth when there's the job opening. Provided my colleagues are still there. Of course it's easy to say now. Who knows what i'll be doing in june.

Actually, come to think of it, i have no idea what i want to do. I got my results for my past 5 semesters and i SERIOUSLY don't remember getting so many D's. Shit. How to go to uni like that?! Really scared. I mean i really want to go to uni and study and do well, but now i'm scared i won't even be able to get into uni. And if i'm lucky enough to get into uni in the 1st place, i think i won't be able to do occupational therapy or medical sciences. I'll prolly have to do a simple Bsc. Maybe i'll take dennis' advice and transfer courses after one year? I don't know. This is the result of not being a more industrious student.

Funny how when it's all over i always go "shudda, wouldda, couldda". Why couldn't i have done it there and then, then i won't have to worry about my future so much. But i guess it's human nature to take the moment for granted. How we let chance and opportunity slip by and questioning it later. How we let important ppl walk away and never realising how important they are until they're gone. How we question our purpose in life, and how we live it. True, we're only young once, but how do we spent our youth? Will it reflect on our future in direct proportion? Will i be an old, cynical spinster? Will i EVER fit into Chaos clothes? Will i ever earn enough money to maintain my lifestyle? Will i be able to buy that pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos? Que Sara Sara.

Hmm. I wish i never need to grow up, that time will stop at the period where you are most happy and content with life. I think mine goes back to the time where my sisters and i were kids and staying with my grandparents, where mummy and papa were happy too. I miss my mummy. How different things would be if she were here. Que Sara Sara. Cest la vie.

I am a thinker. Reminds me of the book "Alchemist" that szeling loaned me. How quickly the past year flew by, the many changes that took place. Still yet to find my place though. Stuck in limbo now, not knowing what i want, not knowing where to go or what to do. In the meantime, still doing my project, still trying to jian fei and still trying to stop the Sly/Mia marriage by complaining about it. So help me out here. Be my friend. Call me if i don't call you. *winks*

To go to zouk or not to go to zouk? That is the question. No one's driving tonight. Shit. So how? To go or not to go?

The sun is out. Shining bright and strong on a tuesday morning. Guess what? I GET TO SEE IT! Prolly for the 1st time in the past 20 weeks! Seriously. I checked my attendance and i didn't miss a single tuesday at work! It's nice to be able to sit home and enjoy looking out of the window at the glorious day the Lord has made. Hee. I wouldn't want to be out there all dressed up though. The heat is just UNBEARABLE!

I was out yesterday. Wearing my usual black to school. I drove to school and yet i was perspiring so profusely! I think i haven't perspired that badly in the past 20 weeks. I was supposed to meet ling for our wax after school but i couldn't take it. I came home and showered again and changed my clothes. I love the sun, but i hate the heat! I love winter. You get the sun without the heat. Wanna go to Oz for a holiday but nobody go with me. Looks like i'm going to be stuck here in sunny island singapore. Crap.

I wish i could stand high up on a hill and scream "merdeka!!!!!!", but that'll have to wait. Even though i'm done with my attachment, i still have to finish my project report. Which in all senses is KILLING ME!!!! *pulls hair!* I just found out that my evaluator taught me microbio before and he hates me! I think almost as much as i hate him! Hopefully he doesn't remember me. Pui. BUt he's very strict and he knows he's stuff so i can't afford to be sloppy about my work, which kinda sucks considering i have to hand in tomorrow. Can't really decide which is worse, working ar doing project. I suppose at this point of time doing project is worse cause nobody can help me! But in any case, i'll be all done by the 21st of march. So if anyone has job offers, run them by me, i need the money.

The realisation that i can no longer say "wait for next month's pay" kinda took me by surprise. I have successfully squandered all my 5 months' pay on things i don't remember. How glad i am that i don't have to pay my own bills. Really have to start thinking about what i want to do with my life. Seem to be walking around aimlessly hoping to hit a target. How things have changed. How dreams have changed.

I always wondered how life for me would be different if i had gone to JC instead. I would almost be done with 1st year of uni now. If i could even get into uni at all. Would i be doing something i hate just to get a degree? I remember in sec school when the clique and i would sit and talk about what we wanted to do when we grew up. Sharon and fel wanted to be lawyers, nat wanted to teach, van wanted to be a tai tai. Look how different we all turned out. Would i be disappointed with myself if i couldn't get into the course i want in uni? Even though it's prolly not going to be very important to me? I don't know. But in any case. This is the road i have taken and i have come so far. It's time to prepare for the next phase. Start anew and do well. Yah. Say only.

This week is going to fly by. Definately. By the time i finish nuaing today, it'll be next week before i know it. How to do my report??? Frus. I wish i could be studying now. I don't like writing reports. next time don't want to study so high already. reports just suck. pui.

Alrighty then. The sian mood has set in after all that talking about reports. I shall have to actually get down to doing mine. Later!

OH MY GOODNESS! I just took photos in my company without my make up and my shitty "just came out of hairnet" hair! SHIT! I look worse than the phantom of the opera could ever look! PLUS! I am EXTREMELY FAT! I am not kidding and i know some of you will deny it. BUT! I am really fat! It's disgusting. I SWEAR i'm going to do something about it after friday. I REFUSE to look like this anymore. It's DISGUSTING. I nearly died after looking at the photos!!! No. I am not going to post it nor show it to anybody. YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIT!