Today i thought about expectations. How do we draw the line? What is meant as concern turns around and appears to be malice. How stubborn we can be. How thoughtless we can seem. How tired we all have become.

I have a group of friends. One that i love extremely dearly. One that consists of 8 beautiful girls. One that God created for us. We went through thick and thin, through laughter and tears, through fats and diets, pimples and facials, boyfriends and each other. Why isn't it enough to hold us to each other.

Recently, we lost one of our babes to the arms of death. We cried and we promised to stick by each other. Somehow it seems so difficult. Are we really that different now? I think not. I think we just want to believe that we are different to justify all the strain and drift in our friendships. But we are not. We are the same people we knew since sec 1, we all have the same flaws, we all have the samw heart, but why does it seem so different now?

What we expect of each other will never be completely fulfilled. Just like how i expected you to be there for me in my lowest point, but you were not. That hurt and that betrayal will never subside completely, but i am able to see past that and i am still here for each and everyone of you the same i was before. Why can't we all have a broader vision and a bigger heart?

Has it become a chore to us all? If it has, then we should all be thoroughly ashamed of ourselves because we owe it to Sheena to stick by each other. Have we learnt nothing from Sheena. Do we need another loss to shake our core? I should really hope not. We all have established a new group of friends, but take my word for it, NOTHING is going to replace us. Year after year, we've never missed a single birthday. We've never missed christmas. We've never missed anything important to each other. Except one. We missed Sheena. Who else is going to have such undying and unconditional love for us?

I don't know what else to say, what more i can add. I was the one who was let down by us in the worst way. But i'm the one saying this. Why do i even bother? My dearest clique, remember the feeling when we lost sheena... bring that feeling back. Think we need to relieve the pain to realise what we're doing to each other.

Clique... we're all still here, just look abit harder.

I missed him lots today. I don't know why. It's just so strange now. Maybe we're both so used to pretending around each other. Maybe i'm so used to blocking out the feelings. It's come to a point where i don't know what is considered acceptable between the both of us. If i SMS him to tell him that i miss him, will he draw further away? Undeniably he has distanced himself, but of course, so have i. I really don't like this, what is the healing process supposed to be like? I miss his company, i miss his laughter, i miss his silliness and his nonsense, i miss his chatter, i miss his affection, i miss HIM. I do. I can't deny it. Why am i not enough? It'll always be a question in my heart. He came in so quietly, stayed around so patiently, comforted unconditionally, listened whole heartedly, but he left so cruelly. Pinning for my darling. He IS a darling. Nostalgia. How it sucks.

I'm falling into pieces. I'm feeling extremely unwell, but i still have to go to work. I'm tired from the lack of rest. I have no time to do anything. I have no money to do anything. I miss my mummy. I miss Big. I'm basically in the pits right now. I'm thorougly exhausted.

Got this off Dennis' post. Haven't done this kinda thing since chain mails were in fashion. Haha. Just some trivia.

Seven Things Bout Me

Seven things that scare me: 1) SPIDERS 2) Snakes 3) Maths 4) Heights 5) Disease 6) Possible loss of anything 7) Poverty

Seven things I like the most: 1) Time to do the things i want 2) My family 3) my friends 4) Having spending ability 5) Food 6) Vegging out 7) Being loved and cherished

Seven important things in my room: 1) Bed 2) Make up 3) Hi fi 4) Mobile 5) Air-con 6) Money 7) Books

Seven random facts about me: 1) I don't eat white food (i.e, fish porridge, taogay, fish beehoon etc) and don't like white animals. 2) I'm an emotional eater 3) I haven't had black hair since sec 4 4) I always like guys who will end up chickening out 5) My middle finger is 8cm long 6) Jac and i have been friends for 17 years 7) My english is actually quite poor.

Seven things I plan to do before I die: 1) Get my degree 2) Have a stable income 3) Get married 4) Make sure my family is taken care for 5) Be thin 6) Attain a pair of Manolos 7) Go for IPL

Seven things I can do: 1) Tolerate a hell lot of bullshit 2) Be in control of myself 3) Eat alot 4) Swim pretty well 5) Play a good game of tennis 6) Anything frivolous 7) Meet the smae person everyday

Seven things I can't do:1) Maths 2) Become thin 3) Go jogging 4) Make myself happy 5) Laundry 6) Anything technical 7) Change a tyre/ jump start a car

Seven things I say the most:1) "What da hell?!" 2) "OK can." 3) "Shit" 4) "I'm super tired" 5) "I'm damn sad larh!" 6) "I have no friend." 7)" i'm damn fat larh!"

Seven celeb crushes: I don't think i have 7... 1) Clay Aiken 2) Sly i think that's it?

Ok. This is it. I'm sleepy. Going to koon. the Z monster is coming to get me. see ya.

I have decided that i will not deprive myself of anything anymore. I decided today that i should treat myself better. Enough of under appreciation. I'm so totally not going to be taken for granted anymore. Why should i subject myself to such emotional bullshit when no one else bothers. Why should i even care. Try living my life and tell me what you feel. I'm not going to allow myself to think that i don't deserve anything, or that i don't deserve better. I know i do. I definately deserve better. From now on, i will do what's best for me. Going to try and love myself abit more. It's your loss.

I am super PMS-ing.

ARGH! I CANNOT believe i missed all the calls from Jac! I'm like how moronic larh! I TOTALLY forgot about the time difference!!! Jac jac... if you read this, please sms me or tag me the numbers to call you. And i LOVE the tees although they're super tight fitting. Haha. I especially love the card. Was moved to tears when i read it. I miss you so much babe. Hope everything is going well over there. I can't BELIEVE i didn't pick up!!!!! I'm the most moronic person on earth. Please forgive me. Jac... you HAVE to call me over the weekend or something i got so much to tell you!!! Miss ya miss ya miss ya!!!

Anyway. I've cut my hair. It is short and thin. I have no more substaintial pony tail. I am rather regretting the decision. Pui. But it's ok. New beginning. ( i wanted to say he likes it long, but of course that doesn't make a difference now)

Ok. On this whole Mr Big thing. I don't know what's the ultimate reason to his decision. But i will say that i respect it and i respect him. I don't know if there is someone else. I have a feeling that there may be, but in any case, he and i will work out the rough edges and be good friends. I know this because he and i are mature individuals and we will deal with it in the most "professional" way there is. I don't appreciate any nosey parkers. He and i are fine. He's prolly more fine that i am but i'm not dying so that's good enough for all of us. Respect my feelings and my privacy. It's between us, individuals. However, i do appreciate all the love and the comfort and the encouragment and empathy that came my way. *love love*

alrighty then. Just to start you guys off with some pictures......


My pretty cake!! It's so nice right?! I was so sad to have to cut it! But it was way too sweet. Icing is totally bad for the health and the waistline.


SO NICE RIGHT?! My goodness!!!! I was completely estatic when Ling gave these to me! I have NEVER received a bouquet in my life except when i was performing in band. I was deliriously happy. I smile when i look at it everyday.


I was feeling totally like a princess that night. With my super long eyelashes, curteousy of Wynn, and this super pretty tiara from ling, fenn, meiqi and kiwi. I don't know if anyone else shared but i LOVE IT!!! Ling made me where it through the night. Haha.


My sisters and my bro-in-law. The party would not have been so great with out my jie's help. She found the caterers, the cake and the booze. The food was absolutely rockin! everyone said so. And i think so too, and i'm fussy. So it really was good.


My Pl clique. Nat looks EXACTLY the same. Van is as samseng as ever. Haha. Fel's missing, she couldn't come. We missed her.


My babes. Me and my Kuali face. Due to the heat and the cream foundation wynn used that made my skin look flawless. Love these girls. They were the brains behind the presents they shared with the rest of the gang. Obviously, cause the rest were guys.


My friends from Wyeth. Peiqi, kuali face, Ken (seldom see him smile in pics), kit and jeff. These people made my wyeth stay bearable.


I am gigantic next to these girls larh! ok. Basically i AM gigantic. These 2 pretty babes are so cute in their modified school uniform larh! They look like clones of each other.


Roger, Vaxont and Fabian with their constipated faces and my flowers! So glad they managed to come to the party. =)

Alrighty. I'll post more pics another day. Just to keep you entertained for now. It's back to work tomorrow. Sian. Jac..... sms me or something k? So anyway... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I am officially old.

Party is over. Heh. Thought it was alright over all. The uniforms was definately a good idea. Haha. It was very interesting seeing most in school uniform. Brought back quite a few memories too. Received quite a few presents. All of which i LOVE. They all cost quite abit too. Feel so bad. Thank you everybody for the lovely gifts and most of all for turning up.

A special note to my babe: Szeling, really appreciate all the preparation you went through to help me put the party together. Sorry all i gave you was moral support, but as you know, i am useless. Thanks for taking the trouble of clearing up, and for attending to the caterers and for being there for me when i was whiney about everything. I love the money bank and i love the card. It makes me sad that i'll have to leave soon and we can't la kopi as and when we want. But you still can call me and say "dawnieeee..." and call me and sing the "dawn dawn dawn" song. Thanks for the presents as well. Especially the tiara and the flowers. I really felt like a princess. Thank you babe. I love you.

Nat: Love love love the panty!!! Thanks for the vouchers. Thanks for the pedicure as well! It's so thoughtful! You look EXACTLY the same as in sec school days. Haha. Fond memories. Thanks for the card. The graphs scared me abit there but haha. Was moved by the message you sent. Thanks meizi. (Old school)

Meiqi: Thanks for going present hunting for me!! I know it's a tough job. But most of all. Thanks for always sympathizing with me and making me feel better about things. You know what i mean. Girl, you're definately one in a million. Can't imagine not having met you.

Fenny: Wouldn't be able to get by without you dearie! Working at face shop would be slightly unbearable without you. Thanks for helping my friends pick out the masks for me! Haha. But really babe. The kopi's we've shared mean too much to write about. Thanks for rushing down from work. =)

My girls (including gil): Thanks for the gift!!!! It's so super practical! i Love it! I love you girls! Thanks for coming! Gillian, i'm glad we're closing the gap now. You looked super great.

Wynn: Thanks for coming! Most of all, thank you for the eye lashes! I felt like i could do anything with them on! Seriously! Thanks babe.

Birdie: Thanks for the pendant. I love it. Thanks for coming early to help out and helping me keep things together and keep things going. Thanks for being the best that you can be to me. I appreciate it.

Peiqi, ken, jeff: OH MY GOODNESS! i Love love love love LOVE the watch!!! So expensive! I feel so bad! But i love it to the core larh! Thank you so much. Thanks especially for coming. I know it was akward and boring for you guys, but i truely appreciate it.

Brother, 4k: Thanks for the bag! It's so cute! I love it! thanks! Also, thanks for the effort in getting the school uniform! It wouldn't have been the same without you guys!

To everybody else: THANKS FOR THE GIFTS and especially thanks for coming. I know saturday's are precious. Thanks for making the effort.

I think i will post the photos another day. I have kuali face. Freaking oily larh, what da hell. Must use the charcoal face wash from face shop. Hang in there for the pictures! They're on the way!