Exams are finally over. Had my last paper this morning. Have really bad feelings for this semester, i was definitely less motivated to do my work. I guess because this semester i really re-evaluated if i wanted to do OT. The thought of having to do this for another 3 years isn't really very appealing. Bah. We'll see. I hope i managed to pass all my units. I don't ask for much. Just need to pass so that i don't have to come back for supp paper and so that i will not need to spend longer than is already needed to complete uni.
Been feeling absolutely the pits today. Besides being sleep deprived, and paper being shit, i went and got boxes to pack today. I am officially having to move out of my home. My flat is really my home. It feels more like my home than singapore sometimes. Flatmates are my family... it's hard not to be attached to the people you spent the most of a year living with. Having said that, another reason why i'm not feeling so fine is because i really really miss brad. I've really grown very fond of him and we're close and he's my favourite, not having him around just makes me sad. Then, hayden's mum, wendy is here to help hayden with his stuff and she told us some very disturbing news. She said that Brad's parents were thinking of taking Brad out of uni because they couldn't find campus accomodation for him. Am feeling really distraught. I think that it's so silly! 1st of all, brad is an excellent student. He gets good grades, high distinctions for everything. Not like he's failing. And to pull him out of uni cause there's no campus accomodation for him is just not a good enough reason. So many of us have offered him a room to live with us, he's bought a car, so transport is not a problem... i mean it's just so ridiculous!
HIs parents didn't even discuss it with him. Brad doesn't know they might be harbouring the intention. He'd be so devastated if he had to drop out of uni. Knowing brad, the good boy he is, he'd just go with the flow. Brad is a big boy now, i think they should at least discuss options with him, what he thinks and feels is important, shouldn't they trust him enough to accept his ideas and decisions? Of course, i am not here to judge. I just cannot believe that parents could be that insentitive sometimes. Anyway, accomodation is so not a good enough reason to take a star student out of uni, it's not as if they can't afford it. Brad deserves to go to uni. More than alot of people i know. I'm just sooooooo mad at the thought that brad will not be here next year. I don't think i could deal with it. Bah.
Alrighty. Enough ranting. I'm going to go to bed and get over myself. Have a whole day of packing ahead of me. I have heaps of stuff. So..... till next time. See ya!
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Aileen has tagged me with the letter "D", so i have to think of 10 things that start with D that mean something to me...
1. Dessert: there is always space in my tummy for dessert. good dessert makes me very happy.
2. Dog: my russelly is the bestest, cutest doggie in the world.
3. Dennis: a friend whom i love spending time with, whom i trust.
4. Daiquiri: they're excellent when you're in the mood, sweet and frozen.. yums.
5. Dr Spencer Reid: current TV icon that my flatmates and I are currently crazy over. He's the nerdy cop from
Criminal Minds.
6. Delirious: is how i get when i am with the people i love
7. Disconserted: is how i feel most of the time, exams, moving, brad leaving, no money.... chey
8. Dodgy: is a word i picked up when i came to Perth
9. Darren: the 1st boy i liked
10. Diamonds: are a girl's best friend.
Tag me if you want a letter too!
Last paper tomorrow. I just want it to be over. Tired of exams already. Brad left this morning. Haven't felt good since. There's a sinking feeling in my heart and i miss his terribly. Haiz. Time to go home.
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I'm in the middle of exams now and i am ashamed to say that they did not go off with a good start. The only 1 unit that i am actually good at, human bio, was so absolutely difficult i am thankful and grateful that i managed to do pretty decently in my course work, hopefully to make up for the horrible exam paper.
Other than exams, this whole moving house thing is really starting to bug me. I hate moving, it so much trouble. Got to pack everything up, move to Dean's house, stay for like a week in an almost stranger's house, then come back to singapore, go back to perth and move everything from Dean's house to my vic park apartment. The THOUGHT of it just makes me feel so tired. I hate moving. RAR!!
Then, Brad's family is here in perth to take him home to Esperance for the holidays. He's out right now i think buying a car, haven't seen him all day. Brad's going to be the 1st to leave on tuesday and it sucks knowing that i won't be seeing him when i get back to perth in january cause i'm not living with him anymore. Feel as though the family i have in perth is breaking up!! I know i will still see Tonya often cause we're procrastination buddies, but i'm really not sure about the rest. Love my housemates, life in perth would be so hard to get by without each and every one of them lovables!! *sulks*
Oh. Dennis is going back to singapore like on freaking monday!!! No fair! I don't even know if he's going to be back in perth next year, but i hope he's not going to because he really wants to go back to melbourne. Ok, actually that's a lie. I really hope he comes back to perth because i really love having him around, but since he wants to go back to melbourne, i absolutely support him. Then he's going to be working in singapore so i guess we won't be seeing each other at home, then if he go to melbourne... then.... like that lorh. ARGH!
The end of the year really sucks arse sometimes. Shite.
P.s: Brad told me yesterday that esperance doesn't have MACDONALDS!!!!!!!!!! EVERYWHERE has at least one macdonalds!!! or so i thought.
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I don't wanna study.........
1. when you looked into the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?: Why is my tongue still painful? (have ulcers on it at the moment)
2. How much cash do you have on you?: Not alot now that's for sure. Have to pay rent soon.
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?: ROAR!!!!!!
4. Favourite planet?: Venus? Mars is too complicated.
5. Who's the 4th person on your missed call list in your cell phone?: Hmmm...Dennis, 4th Nov, 2.32pm
6. What is your favorite ringtone on your phone?: Erm... Hips don't Lie? I don't have a favourite, but it's the one i'm using now.
7. What shirt are you wearing?: A brown spag top from topshop. It's been a hot day.
8. Do you "label" yourself?: "single" seems to be a label now
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing: i'm wearing the pink slippers Nat bought for me from the states, Abercrombie and Fitch.
10. Bright or dark room: Bright. I don't like not being able to see things.
11. What do you think about the person who did this survey before you?: My jie. She's the pwettifullest bride in the world and i luff her many much.
12. What does your watch look like?: Which one are you referring to exactly?
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: Watching Jake in Progress with my lovely Tonya and darling Brad.
14. What did your last text msg on your cell say?: Alvin smsed me this morning and he asked me something about roses.
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?: Hmm... possibly 5 hours flight away in changi airport.
16. What's a word you say alot?: "ok......"
17. Who told you that he/she loved you last?: Tonya!!
18. Last furry thing you touched?: i don't remember...... hmm.
19. How many drugs have you done in the last 2 days?: 4 advils i think
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?: I haven't used film in a long long long time.
21. Favourite age you've been so far?: 17.... things were much simpler then.
22. Your worst enemy?: Think it would be myself.
23. What is your current desktop picture?: No have... just a plan desktop
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: "half my window is open"--> to sunita who is lying on my bed, asked me if i was hot.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks and being able to fly, which would it be?: The million bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! Money anytime.
26. Do you like someone?: Erm... maybe? possibly? I don't know.
27. The last song you listened to?: Didn't pay attention while listening to it in the car.
28. What time of day were you born?: Night time, ironically.
29. What your favourite number?: 24? No preference actually.
30. Where did you live in 1987?: In hougang... i was 2. hahaha.
31. Are you jealous of anyone?: I'm always jealous of people... people who are thinner, smarter, prettier... blah blah.
32. Is anyone jealous of you?: No larh.. what's there to be jealous of? Chey.
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?: i don't remember know... really. I seriously don't remember.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?: Walk away. I seldom use vending machines, i don't trust them.
35. Do you consider yourself kind?: Yes. Actually i do. muahahaha.
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?: Erm... ankle maybe. Really want it to behind my right thumb, but that's abit too prominent.
37. If you could be fluent in another language, what would it be?: DEFINITELY french. Definitely.
38. Would you move for the person you love?: Depends if we're married or not, and depends if we're going to get married or not.
39. Are you touchy feely?: Erm, only to some people.... but not excessively. Just to show affection.
40. What's your life motto?: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.
41. Name 3 things you have on you all the time: My bracelet, my necklace and hp.
42. What's your favourite town/city?: Erm, singapore and perth i guess....
43. What was the last thing you paid for in cash?: Macca's....
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone and mailed it?: Erm...possibly to meiqi, last semester? Hahaha.
45. Can you change the oil in your car?: I'll be honest and say no.
46. Your first love: what was the last thing you heard about him?: Erm.. darren.. haven't heard ANYTHING about him for a really long time. Pity we didn't manage to keep in contact.
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?: not very far.
48: The last time you dressed fancy, where did you go and what did you wear?: Erm.. Jie's wedding i think. Wore dresses....
49: Dose anything hurt on your body now?: YES!!!!!!! my tongue!!!!!!!!!! Ulcers!!!!! painful.
50: Have you been burned by love?: Yes... always. Will never forget it.
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The exams start tomorrow!! ARGH! I'm freaking out man. Exams give me the jitters. I'll officially be done with my 1st year of uni on the 22nd of Nov (that's if i pass everything). I'll be home on the 30th. So please make some time for me alright?
Cannot believe i've spent close to a year in perth already, it doesn't feel that long. Hmm. Oh well, time is supposed to fly hey? Another 3 year of this.. kill me.
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Just read through all of my june 2005 blog entries. I really loved him heaps. Don't sound like myself at all. Behind it all, there was a sense of contentment, fondness and tenderness. Think i lack these things now. Find it so hard to be the person i want to be.
During cell group on friday, Cheyenne prayed for me. She shared that she had an image of a thin crescent moon planted in her mind. She said she sensed that God was telling her that i was feeling small. That i was feeling less and less the person i once was. It freaks me out when things like that are true, but it also re-affirms my faith. I know people change and all that, but to lose that sense of self is not at all pleasant. Then huifu prayed for me too and she said she sensed that i was looking back, that things from before have been bothering me, and it was true too. Been thinking about Big alot recently, he's been in my dreams and thus been floating around in my head quite often lately. So many things remind me of him, smells, sounds, visuals, all these stimuli kills me sometimes.
I wonder if he feels the same sense of loss. Like he lost a wonderful group of friends because of me, the ironic thing is that the group came together mostly because of him. He put us together and he's not here to share it with us. Sometimes i think and i feel that it's my fault that he lost us, cause i reckon he knew that the rest would take my side and he didn't want to make life difficult for them and he didn't want it to be harder that it was for me, that's why he left. I really hope that i over speculated, because i don't want it to be true. Wish things had turned out differently. Wonder if it's make a difference if he knew how i feel now. Would he see me differently, feel differently?
I want a guy who loves me, who feels he doesn't deserve me as i myself feel underserving of him, who makes me want to be a better person, who doesn't make me feel like i have to prove myself before he gives me attention, someone who will appreciate my affection and gestures. This is not the perfect man. It's just someone EVERYONE deserves to have. It's just the basic needs of a human being. He doesn't need to be rich or handsome, it doesn't have to be a fairy tale, he just needs to make me feel alive, not tired and frustrated.
I've had enough brokeness for a lifetime, enough of "i'm sorry". I just want to live real love.
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Last day of uni for the year tomorrow. Can't decide if it's a good thing or not. Feel like i've wasted an entire year of my life doing nothing productive. Like there's nothing tangible at the end of the day. At least when you work, and year end comes, there's bonus. The only good thing is that i'll be home soon and i really just want to be home with my family and friends. At the same time, i can't bear to split up with my housemates. I love them sooo much and i CANNOT living with anyone else and absolutely cannot bear the thought of sharing the toilet with anyone with anyone else.
Seriously, we've all grown into each other's habits and we just work so well together. Like i know how long sunita needs in the shower and how she cannot take the heat and has to have super large protective sunnies so that her face doesn't kena the sun. She HAS to clean EVERYTHING if she gets into the mood of cleaning and she's totally shen jing bing when she has assginments, not sleeping for DAYS just to finish and she'll need some encuragement. Things like that... how hayden MUST have hungry jacks before an eagle's match and how brad CANNOT resist chocolate anything no matter how full he is and how tonya loves to procrastinate whenever she has an assignment due and is completely full on when there's nothing pending due and Elishia goes through this phase for "detox" where she eats healthy for like 2 weeks after she's had 2 months of an alcohol diet. Love them love them love them.
The other thing that i feel sad about even though i seldom show, is that there is a chance that dennis will not be here next year to accompany me. Kinda gotten used to the comforting feeling of knowing that dennis will be there to chill out with if i ask him to. You really do need the familiarity of someone you trust when you're away. But it's been really great the past week cause i managed to spend time just hanging out with dennis, just the 2 of us, doing nothing, talking about nothing. It was GREAT. Thursday we went for dinner at Ciao Italia and ate till we both wanted to puke, saturday we went to see houses, monday i gave him a lift home from uni and today we went for breakfast, went grocery shopping and chilled until he forgot he had class. So going to miss having him around if he was in melbourne and i was in perth cause i know we won't meet up in singapore. This past week kinda brought my mind back to the time where we'd hang out like every other day. Dennis is one of the few people who got to meet my mum and that means so much to me cause it's a part of me that isn't cynical and a part of me that many don't know. Ah. It's just hard to find a friend who doesn't pass judgement and that you can just BE with. Know what i mean?
Anyway, whatever said. I'm just glad that the year is over. I'm not looking forward to the changes that will take place, i'm never good with changes. But i am anticipating cuddling my russelly, eating linda's food, hugging my sisters, irritating my papa, annoying szeling, whining to beng, visting fenny, vegging out with nat, talking till the cows come home with jac, disturbing alvin and basically doing everything i would usually do. Can't wait can't wait!!!
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