Sorry for the lack of update. I've just been simply too lazy, plus i don't know what to update on, i have a lack of life. Tomorrow is my 1st paper out of 5, am supposed to be studying right this minute, but my brain is saturated and everything seems to be bouncing off, so i have decided to stop and take a break. Am feeling extremely uncomfortable cause my nose is giving me a huge problem. It can't decide if it wants to run or wants to be blocked. Therefore i am having difficulty in breathing. Am also very sleepy but i have to study and i can't bring myself to go to bed. I've actually only 3 topics to study for the paper tomorrow, but it's probably the most dry and boring and heavy 3 topics i have ever encountered. Everything sounds the same to me and i'm getting all mixed up. At times like this, you just have to stop and take a rest. However, i am feeling extremely guilty for doing so because i know everyone else is mugging except me. How do i know that? NOBODY is online. I am THE slacker.
I'm supposed to be preparing to go to WAR cause this is the last lap for me. The last exam i'm going to do till uni. Somehow, i am still unmotivated and uninspired. I have come to accept and realise that i'm not the du shu liao "studying material" but no ones seems to want to accept that fact besides me. Therefore i am obliged to fulfil my one and only duty as a student to study. How some people can go hours and hours studying without rest or sleep is and will always be a mystery to me. I don't get extremely bad grades, just mediocre which is far better than what i used to get in secondary school. There will always be people who do better than me, so i don't believe in competition being a motivation factor. If i did, i'll be even more highly strung than i am now in which case i would need sedatives cause i'd be too stressed. After all, a degree is only a piece of paper, what you studied will not be applied in the working world, so why do we study so hard anyway? Just to make sure we get into uni. Some people go to the most prestigious universities, and in the end lead an unfulfilling life cause all they know is to excell at their work. In the end, when it's all over, you realise that you've spent your entire life doing nothing you enjoy. So what's the point? Then again i may just be consoling myself cause i'm a bad student who wants to sleep when she has an exam tomorrow and all her other friends are mugging their asses off.
The only thing i have to look forward to is the trip i'll be taking to Langkawi with Szeling after the exams. We only have 1 week break before going off to attachment. I can't wait for the sun, the sand and the sea. I think it'll be so refreshing compared to all the notes i've been reading. Want to come back rejuvinated and ready to face the new challenge of my attachment. It's going to be a lonely and tough coming 5 months and i do want to do well in my attachment. I think the experience there is much more valuable than what i've been studying.
Everyday you come home so tired, so lifeless. You can't even bring yourself to look into the mirror cause your dark rings have taken over all the colour of your face, your skin is so dry and haggard from the late nights. That's only me, imagine all the other people who study much harder than me. I really admire kiwi who can just go on and on and on. Wow. I could never be like that. Perhaps i get bored easily. Perhaps i just don't like studying. Perhaps i just need to sleep. Different lifestyles i suppose.
Exams get to me. They stress me out though i don't look it and still appear to be a slacker in comparison to the rest. But i can assure you that i've studied the hardest in Poly and even though i get mediocre grades, i''m PROUD to say that i have yet to fail anything despite my slackiness through the semesters, despite all the terrible things i had to go through. I sound like i'm defending myself. I think i am. But hey, i really am proud. I never did this "well" in secondary school. Ask Nat or Jac.
Alright. I think i'm done bitching about my lack of brain mass. I will have to get back to studying or i'll never finish. I'm pretty much screwed for tomorrow. I'll need all the luck i can get. BUt you know what, i'm greedy, i want good marks for the little i put in. Oh well. Back to the old drawing board. I'm so sick of rats and mice, they've all i've been doing the past sem. Boring..... ok. study study study.
You know, as much as i hate to admit it, TV can be depressing. I mean it's a BRILLIANT invention but sometimes the things that are aired are just terrible! You see such a bad side of people and it's made worse because they're real. There actually are such rotten people in the world. TV is supposed to be fantasy and happy endings! Not plagued by the tragedies of the world. The what's the point in watching tv? I might as well just stay outside and people watch, it's the same thing. They're both depressing. Everyone looks better than you, looks happier than you, if not, they'll be bitching their ass' off about their screwed up life and husband. Geez. That's why cartoons are the best. Their fictional.
The week has flown by. Today is officially my last day of school EVER. Until uni that is. 3 years of poly. It hasn't been a smooth ride. The fact that it's now over hasn't quite set in. Somehow i still feel like i will have to check my timetable online and complain about how early i have to start and how late i have to end. Like i still have to go online and check my sucky results and call Alden to ask him how fantastic he did and end up talking for hours making up for our lack of conversation the whole semester. Like i still have to worry if i have friends to go for break with. Like i still have to worry about wearing the same thing to school everyday cause i i have lab. Everything that used to feel like a chore seems to be a luxuary now. I mean having to wake up everyday to go to work and clean up animal poo and piss just isn't something to look forward to. Having to SMELL the dead animals and the animal holding unit everyday for 5 months just kills every joyful moment. Having to think about not having a friend around with you during attachment just sucks even more. I suddenly find myself loving my school life contarary to what i thought. What couldbe better than skipping lecturesas and when you want knowing that you'll have good friends how will take attendace for you, take notes for you and teach you what you don't know. What's better than having disgusting 3 dollar lunches that last the whole day. What's better than being able to copy homework and getting away with it. What's better than slacking around during labs and playing with your classmates while discussing shoes and clothes. Better than stoneing in lectures and eyeing your handsome lecturer. Better than seeing the guy you like everyday. Which actually brings me to question... what did i actually have to complain about everyday? Besides all the last min studying i have to do cause i'm always such a tired, lazy, fat lump of lard and the fact that i get treated like shit most of the time, i actually have a pretty good life. It's a bitter sweetness. I think many will understand the feeling.
The past few days have been really really fun, despite the tests and exams, except the part where Dr Ren was really pissed off. That was alittle out of the ordinary. BUT. This has been a TERRIBLE practical week. All my practical tests were bad. Just hope to scrape through. Argh. I'm just so bad at practical. Actually, i'm just so bad at school. Alden missed out on school the past few days. He was down with diarrhoea, so i was being nice by telling him what he missed and things like that. I can't deny that it's nice being in contact with him again. He called and asked me to help him out. At first i was feeling alittle spiteful and all, but then i felt good, cause although he's closer to other people in class, he asked me to help him. He trusted me more? I had a better sense of responsibility? I am thinking too much? Whatever it is, he's better now. So that good. He wore his sports gear to school today. He looked really good and atheletic. As usual, when i saw him, we just ignored each other, despite having spoken for an hour on the phone the night before. Oh well. whatever.
The inner square bought Dr chang a wallet yesterday (he lost his, hence he carries his cash all crumpled in his pocket. so pathetic) and we gave it to him today. He was so touched it was sweet. He went.. "aww.. you guys.. thank you.. you shouldn't have" haha so cute. Ever seen a 33 year old man being touched. Haha it's quite heart warming. Today's the last day we can stand outside the staff room and talk rubbish together. Gonna miss him man, he's so full of shit. Anyway, i had so much fun shopping for his wallet with the inner square yesterday. We went shopping at OG! Under normal circumstances, i would NOT be found in OG. But they really had cheap stuff and i finally bought the check shorts i've always wanted to get! They were only 4 bucks each! NAT! ARE YOU PROUND OF ME???? Esther and kiwi were bickering non stop as usual. CHILDREN. Haha. But it was really funny seeing them bicker. Kiwi bought this Green check shirt. A combination of esther's and my favourite. She likes green and i like checks. Haha. It looks great on Kiwi.
My inner square will be going to taman soon. Looks like i'm not going be having prata anytime soon since the exams are up next week, we'll all be mugging. I THINK i'll be mugging. Alden, 4K and selwin are going to redang. I bet it;ll all be fun. But nothing's more fun than satying here and having spend time with my girlfriends. Talk about girlfriends, i miss jac.... jac........ can't wait for december! I'll give her a super squeeze hug! Missing her much.
Alrighty, will leave you here. I suddenly can't find anything to say. Heh. will get down to mugging soon. Promise. Soon. Haha. Night peeps.
Relationships. They're the most unstable things on earth. They're worse than the stock market with their constant and unpredictable fluctuations. Like the stock market, or stocks and shares rather, they both start out the same way. You 1st take interest, then you decided to invest and take a chance. Most of the time when you start out, you make profit. Nobody wants to or is stupid enough to invest in a failing market. You reap the profits and you take it for granted. You become complacent, paying less and less attention to your market share or market value. You slowly make losses, little at a time. You hardly take notice, afterall, you thought you could afford it. Then losses accumulate, and soon you realise that you're in trouble, all you can do is try and cut your losses. But to your dismay, the market has changed while you were complacent, you realise that you don't know how to play anymore, it's an entire different growing market. You're mind starts crashing. You don't know what to do, all your money, your investments are going down the drain and there's nothing you can do! You pull out as much as you can to prevent greater harm. But in the end, the result is the same. You're left dry, tired, depressed, empty and poor. You say to yourself, you'll never take such a gamble again. The next thing you know, you're interested in a new investment which seems so secure, you forget about your burnt fingers and take the plunge again. Why are we so stupid?
Relationships come and go. Some people get so caught up in their relationships, the only person in their world is their partner. Some people become oblivious of the other people around them, they forget about their friends, they forget how to be a friend. But one thing is for sure, you better make sure you have a good support of friends as your safety net, cause when your world comes crashing down, landing without a net is going to be really painful. I've plunged a couple of times and there were 2 very very excruciating times my friends weren't there for me, which made things worse. That's how i know, as much as you want to deny it, that friends are so very important.
I've heard bout a couple of break-ups recently, some are distant friends, some are closer ones. For once i don't know what to say. I'm so tempted to say, "yarh, it happens... so what? Move on larh!" But i know as much as i've become a cynical bitch, a numb, cold hearted, unsympathetic ice queen, not everyone is like me. Other people still have feelings and need comforting words. I used to provide comforting words, words of encouragement, now, i just don't know what to say. I was always the friend you could call, no matter how far away you are, i will come running. No matter how much we've drifted, just call on me and i'll be there. But sometimes i feel so tired, i catch your falls, i caught so many falls, but i look around me, nobody's there to catch mine. Where's my safety net? I want one too. Relationships? BAH! It's a failing market, ain't worth investing in.
As Shiqian would say, i have succeeded in bringing up the economy. I went shopping today. Hee hee hee. It's LIBERATING. If only i could study and shop at the same time. I went to town with szeling today, the agenda consisted of buying tokens of appreciation for my very nice tutors, since this week would officially be the last week of study in poly. It was pretty fun. I bought myself another pair of slippers. The haviana ones! They're the most comfortable slippers EVER! You should try them, i wasn't very attracted to them until i tried them on! Super comfy! Go get a pair! (i'm advertising for them, they should pay me.) I bought a blush pot from MAC too. Hee. Wanted to buy lippy, but szeling scold me. =( I came home and i counted, actually i don't have alot of lipglosses/lipsticks, only have 10 in total lorh. Chey. Not like i have 40 or something. Chey. It's nice to be frivolous once in a while, it really frees the spirit. Haha. More importantly, i got to spend time with szeling alone. It's been a long time since we went out together alone. People always have this impression that i spend alot of time with ling. But on contrary, we only see each other about once or twice a week. Other than that, we hardly see each other or talk. Yarh. No friend. Haha.
Let's see, what have done this week that is of any significance. Hmm. Oh! i went to the pet farm on friday with a few of my classmates! It was interesting. Soooo many hamsters. They look soooo cute when they're tiny and all crowded together. Look like furballs. BUt, as a personal preference, i think hamsters are awful animals. They bite like crazy! They aren't very friendly rodents. I just like looking at them and buying them, but i don't like to hold them or play with them or look after them. So i bought one more for kiwi, so that he's hamsty would have a friend. It's super tiny, but it is kinda cute. It can eat and sleep at the same time! Skill! I also wanna learn. It's amazing man. Haha. But kiwi loves his hamsters, he constructed a double story house for his hamsters. Haha. So cute. I don't like hamsters. HOWEVER. I was soooo tempted to buy this really really cute, fluffy, black dwarf bunny! I was on the verge of buying it already, but then i thought that if i wasn't going to have the time and responsibility of cleaning it then it wouldn't be fair to get it. Haiz. I was feeling rather sad cause i really really liked it. Darn. Nevermind. I have my russell. I love my russell, plus, he's more than a handful. =) Esther got herself 2 hamsters. Hopefully her cat doesn't stress thm out or eat them. Haha. All my classmates are mad over hamsters now. They had a hamster's day out on friday. All of them brought their hamsters to school and they let them play with each other. Super cute, but yee. I don't like. Haha. Now, esther wants to have a hamster parade this week too, cause now she has hamsters. Mad larh. What's with the rodents. *shrugz*
Friday night, inner pentagon, together with Dr Chang went for supper at sempang. I let szeling drive my car at 2km/hr around the empty tp carpark whikle waiting for dr chang and kiwi. She did a pretty good job. She drives good. So she should just hurry up and take her basic so that she can go on to taking practical. Dr ren was supposed to join us, but he decided that he had to study. He's super stressed out, he should just sleep more and eat more and hang out with us more. If you think I'M highly strung, he's 10 times worse. Poor fella. Apparently he recently got enganged. SHIT! See larh. No chance already. Sian. I wonder how big the diamond is though and what kinda cut it is.. what grade it is.. i should ask him when i have the chance. I'm such a kaypo. Haiyah.. sian. Why is he engaged. Ask him to study properly larh, get engaged for what? Chey. Haha. Came home at like 2? The security gaurd is giving me funny looks again. I really ought to come home earlier. I need to sleep more too. I'm deprived.
6.30am in the morning on saturday, i was awake. It's the earliest EVER i have woken up this entire year so far, and i plan to keep it that way. Why was i up so early? Let me tell you. FABIAN wanted to go for the earlier shift for our trip to the NUS animal holding unit. We had to meet the rest of my classmates at NUH at 8.15am. The plan was to pick Jon up outside my house at 7.30, and esther and fabian at 7.45 at the same place (they stay a couple of blocks away from each other). At 7.45, i called fabian, he JUST woke up. Great. He makes me wake up so early, i have to drive, Jon and esther were punctual and we all wanted the later shift, my DAD was waiting for us too (he was going to lead the way there)! So fabian jogged to my car, if he had arrived 5 mins later, i would have bombed his house. He sat down and i screamed at him. Was slightly irritated, not enough sleep see. Then esther noticed that he wore his shirt inside out, haha, since he made effort to hurry, i forgave him. Esther and fabian slept all the way to NUH. Guess what? I had to drive. Chey. The worst thing is, it was darn boring and only lasted 1 hour, took me about that time to arrive there. Damn sian. Went for lunch then came home to sleep. Tired man.
4pm, saturday afternoon, szeling calls to say that she's at tanah merah and to tell me that she's grumpy. We were supposed to meet at 6pm for dinner, but i asked her to come over so i could accompany her. So she did come over. Her mood seemed to improve, so that was good. We ended up having to take a cab to marina south cause we both kept forgetting out stuff so had to come home and take. TWICE. Met Alvin, Alden and Shiqian for dinner at marina. Alden and Shiqian were late. It's Alden see, expected. Again i must say that i spend my whole life waiting for men to arrive. But we had a good time. Ate disgusting, oily, greasy food. Szeling was HORRIFIED that the shellfish in front of her were moving. Haha. It was really quite funny. You should have seen her face! That's when she yelled.." FOOD ON THE TABLE SHOULD NEVER MOVE!" Haha. Funny. It was nice to sit down with Alden and shiqian for a meal again. 1st time this sem. I missed them. As much as alden bring misery to me, i'm still happy to be around him OUTSIDE school. Alvin was a sweetie. He was cooking for me the entire time, and he bought me my favourite chocolates and he lent me season 6 of sex and the city!! YAY! Bad timing though, have to study, but i will squeeze time to watch it! Must finish the show.
The really fun part was after dinner. We went back to the MRT station and started taking really retarded pictures. We were laughing ourselves silly! My goodness. Cheek cramps. Taking really stupid videos too. Alden and Shiqian are naturals in front of the camera, very not shy. Haha. I felt so good to be there, part of the fun. It was so familiar. We used to have so much fun and laughter together before all the shit happened. He makes me laugh so hard. I just love being around him outside school. He just ignores my presence in school. We have a very complicated friendship. A secret friendship. I look at him and i feel a pang of sadness cause i loved him so. Everytime i spend time with him, i am reminded of my feelings toward him. Then i remember all the SHIT things he did to me and i wanna cut off his balls! I'm conflicted. In school, i resent him because he's mean to me, but outside school, i love being around him. I don't know i don't know i don't know!!! One thing is for sure. I have NO feelings now. None. Neither positive nor negative. I just look at him and see my ugliness. Therefore i try not to look at him so much, the mirror is bad enough.
Yeh, that's about it. That was my week. Nothing very exciting. I actually have a test tomorrow and i haven't started studying. Great. I should never come online when i have to study. Now i have to sacrifice my sleep. Crap. Alrighty. I've told you about my week, now tell me about yours.
I'm worried that day by day i am becoming less and less compassionate, thinking and feeling less and less for bothe people and animals. Today, i singlehandedly killed 3 mice and 1 rat. There are a whole bunch more to be euthanised, but i thought that 3 mice were enough on my conscience. The thing is, the animal holding unit is closing for renovations and the animals will all eventually need to be put down. There're more than 50 mice and about 30 rats and 3 really cute and fluffy bunnies. Even though they're our lab animals, we love love really much, we talk to them and play with them and let then shit and pee all over. But today, when i was bleeding the animals, i didn't feel too remorseful. Esther was cringing and wincing while everyone was performing the cervical dislocation. Poor rodents. We'll be killing a few again next week during our prac exam. Never take animals for granted, they do alot and go through alot for us, even though we don't know it or feel it. Think about it, animals make us feel so much happier. They love us unconditionally. All they ask for is food, water and alittle bit of love and compassion. Love your animals.
Today, i went to re-bind my notes, add in the new ones. I think if i sell them to the garang guni, he'll give me back 10 dollars. I can't beleive i have to study all of that. Even my dad was shocked at the amount of notes i had, that's not even including Bpharm. Shit. I really don't know how i'm going to go through with this. Then again, thinking that this is going to be my last exam EVER, until uni that is, i really wanna do well for it, but knowing me, i'll just leave everything till the last min and end up sleeping really late and all.
Next week is officially the last week of my poly school life. It's a bitter sweet feeling. It's nice because i know that i've made friends like ling and my innersquare. It'a also comforting to know that ling is basking in sweetness now, hopefully the sweetness will last a long long long time. I'm really glad for her. I don't know how'd i'd make it in school without her, in fact i don't know how i'd come so far in life without her. The bitter part. Poly life has been really SHIT. How much depression i sunk myslef in. I became obessesive and complusive. In fact i think for awhile i was alittle crazy. Szeling would know. All the shit happened in my 3 years in poly. Part of me just wants to leave and take a long breather and find myself again. It just sounds so stupid right? "Find myself again." But that's exactly what i want to do, i don't feel like an individual anymore, i have no stand for myself. Having said that, i suppose i've really grown up in poly. No more the young giggly girl. I miss that actually. Things change, people change, not all changes are good, i'm still learning how to deal with things. I'm a slow learner and stubborn too. What's after this, i don't know. Hopefully it'll get better. I can't imagine anything worse. Please don't let it get worse.
*SLUMP* Finally i'm home. Gosh, i'm so tired. Been a loooonnnnnnggg day. Was up all night studying my darn Bpharm. Thank goodness it was pretty ok. I hope it's pretty ok anyway. Straight after the test i had lecture and Lab nonstop. Didn't have time to eat. Was starving by the time i had dinner. But lab was disgusting today. The SMELL! I don't have problems looking at dead, rigid, bleeding animals, i have problems breathing around them. ARGH! the smell is disgusting. 4 dead, WET, frozen cats in a poorly ventilated environment, small confined space with 24 people, wearing 4 layers of clothing and double gloves and surgical masks is NOT comfortable at all. The smell! When the cats came out of the bag it stank, when they cut it open, OH MY GOODNESS. I wanted to puke! I was hot, tired, hungry, bothered and nauseous! Anyway, we did castrations and spays today. Castrations are pretty easy to do actually. Any guy needs help in that can just come to me, i promise to do a good job. It's really not hard at all. You don't even have to stitch up!
You'd be surpirised that even going through that lab, i was still feeling so hungry! I couldn't decide if i was more tired or more hungry. Ali gave a perfect suggestion! He asked me to put my face in a plate of food and sleep! Isn't it such a BRILLIANT idea?! I mean *gasps* It solves both the problems! Then Jon said it was a good idea cause the food can diffuse osmose into my face through the partially permeable membrane! I thought it was a good idea, but then i remembered. My face prolly isn't permeable, cause if it was, it wouldn't be so rotten. All the creams and facials i do don't seem to work. Guess my skin isn't letting the nutrients in. DAMN! But you got to admit it was a pretty good idea. I have such brilliant classmates. They're loads of fun. Sometimes.
Anyway, after lab, i sent my hommies back. Then, as tired as i was, i went to TM to meet donnavan for a movie and dinner. I took the train. He was late, guys just LOVE to keep me waiting. But the wait was worth it. We had a blast. We used to spend soooo much time hanging out together, studying, playing pool, shopping, MOVIES (we could watch 3 in a week, everything also watch), jusr chilling out. Then, we both got busy with our own lives. Today is the 1st time all semester we've spent time together as gay partners. We had a yummy dinner, then we went to popular to try and find this book, but ended up reading this IQ book for kids. It's full of maths questions. Apparently, my maths is really lousy and my IQ is very low. Then again, it's nothing new to anyone. Haha. We caught the 9.50pm Cinderella Story. It was nice. I like hillary duff. She's cute. I love the movies. They help me unwind and relax. It's like reading a book without the words, it's happening right in front of you. You can see the smiles, the tears, the emotions and relate to it. For the time i spend in the movies, i feel different, i'm understanding life in a different aspect. It's hard to explain, but with each movie, a new feeling is created. It's like experiencing someone else's life. You must think i'm mad, but movies get me thinking.
Today is my friends' Baorong's birthday. I don't think many of you know him. He's a figure from the past. The VS/PL days. My girlfriends would remember him though. I smsed him Happy Birthday. He replied, "... i hope you're as cheerful as ever." I didn't know what to say to that. He knew me when i was in secondary school. I've seen him about 6 times since i've know him, including the conincidental bumping into each other along the streets. Yes. I was cheerful then, but was i less cheerful now? I don't know. Funny how you don't expect people to change. Like you always remember your old friends the exact same way they were, but when you see them again, you always get taken aback by how much they've changed. Strange. But At least i got a reply. I think the only time i contact him is on his birthday. I miss him actually. We had so many nice conversations in the past. Oh well. Old friends hold fond memories.
Know yesterday, i was reminded of the sad painful past. My sad, painful, alden past. I felt so small and ugly at that moment. I felt so inadequate. So good for nothing, so unattractive. Funny how some things can shake you up so bad you never seem to be able to get your feet rooted on ground again, always slipping off the puddles. Sometimes you're so aware of the puddles, you try so hard to avoid them only to realise that you're walking in circles around them. So many emotions, so many thoughts, so many issues i have to sort out. I always seem to find myself trapped in moments of insecurity, moments of inadequacy. Always seem to find myself stoneing in lectures, moments before i fall asleep, moments in front of the tv, my mind just drifts into all my issues. It's tiring, it's depressing. Jolts of reality strike me at the worst moments. I think i need antidepressants. The best antidepressants of all are not pharmacological, they're my friends, friends like Ling, Nat, Jac, Dennis, Alvin, my clique, they're my antidepressants. They're therapeutic effects are excellent! No side effects too!
Ok, i'm starting to talk nonsense. I need to sleep. I'm dead tired. Don't even have energy to pack my notes for tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. Tired. Alrighty. See ya peeps.
My grandfather is in hospital. He fell and fractured his hip. I went to see him yesterday with my dad and sisters. He was looking so old and thin and frail. I don't remember him looking like that. He looked as though he was just an empty shell, staring into space, doesn't look spirited. My heart broke. I know i don't really mention my grandparents, but i love my grandparents very much. My grandfather looked after me for the better part of my life. I knew exactly how i liked my food, exactly when i liked to do what. He even knows who my really old friends are, like jac and reynard, he knows them. I haven't seen my gradfather very much since he moved to my uncle's place to live and take care of my cousins. I miss him very much even though i don't show it. I never ever said thank you to him, nor have i told him ever that i loved him. When i saw him in hospital, i was scared i'd never get a chance to say it. I got scared. I don't want to lose him. I can't take another loss. I think i'll go mad! I hope he recovers soon and get up and about soon. Want to eat his cooking soon. Will prolly go down to the hospital to visit him tomorrow during my 4 hour break. Want to spend some time with him.
Friday was nice, i met reynard for dessert and a movie and we chatted at the Dubliner till about 2 in the morning. It's always so nice to spend time with old friends. Oh, there was this oone thing that really touched me this week. I forgot to mention on my birthday. My classmate sharon, bought me a slice of cake from the school cafe, lit a candle on it and sang me a birthday song. Sweet huh. It was so un expected. It made me realised how much fun we had together before our shit happened. How we used to spend time laughing, gossiping, studying, drinking coffee sharing our pain. I missed it very much. But things somehow can never be the same. There's a sensitive spot in our friendship, even though we managed to overcome it, it may never go away. She really is a very nice friend, a nice person, a pity we drifted. I was really really touched by her gesture. I miss friends like that.
I met up with nat and fel and sharon yesterday, it was nice spending time together again. Have i ever told you that i love my friends?? I love my friends.
It's been a really sluggish day. I spent the day sleeping and eating, the only constructive thing i've done today is read my notes for my husbandry test tomorrow. Hope it goes well. Wish me luck!
I hate it when a guy makes me wanna eat. I hate it when a guy makes me wanna eat when i'm supposed to be on a diet. I really hate it, cause it means i need emotional stability. I'm an emotional eater and i'm not afraid to say it. It's quite obvious anyway. I find comfort in food. I will eat and eat and eat non stop. When i eat, it means i'm upset. Being upset over a guy, being upset over something so unsubstantial, having to want to stuff my face when i'm on a diet makes me even more upset.
He didn't break my heart. Then again, maybe i don't know if my heart has been broken. I'm not feeling a sense of loss. Just a sense of failure. My failure. The hug is different now. Again. I will never be good enough, i will never be pretty enough, i just don't have what it takes. People say i'm nice, what's the use of being nice when it can't get you where you want. Not many people know what i'm feeling, nobody is as uesless and unattractive as me. I feel like and ass. Literally. I just want to bury myself under my blanket and never emerge. Sleep makes me feel so much better. It started at east coast park, it ended at east coast park.
Anyway, on a happier note. My birthday was just over. It was nice. The day started out dull and monotonous. Had my friends wish me. It was great. The best part was that old friends like Jared remember. He CALLED me instead of just smsing. Sweet huh? Then i was at tampines having dinner with my inner 'pentagon' and Dr chang, and Jared popped over to say hey after sending his girl home. It really made my day. Then, dennis called me to wish me too. He's sweet. I got kissies from ling and fenny. *big grin* But the best best best part was dinner. We sat down, we talked, we laughed, they bought me a snow globe, they surprised me with a cake, the embarressed me by singing the birthday song really loudly. Dr Chang was so nice, he treated. $124, he paid out of his pocket. He's my lecturer, i felt appreciated. I love my inner pentagon. I love my friends. There are so many of them i miss. I've made some really great friends, hopefully when school ends it'll still be substaintial.
I'll be really busy after this weekend. Have tests and exams running NONSTOP for the next 4 weeks. Need to find my momentum. My genetics... oh no. Cannot let Dr chang now. Feel to pressured to do well for genetics after spending so much time with him and having let him pay for my dinner. The there's also BPharm and Animal disease. I'm going to be really cranky from now on, so if i'm snappish, please forgive me, i'm fat and grouchy, therefore i'm going to be really cranky.
Well, all i can say is, game over. You made me feel like dancing, you made me happy, you made me WANT to feel happy, but now you made me feel like a complete nothing.
I'm tired. My head hurts, my feet hurt. I skipped my lecture and i went to Tm with szeling. We're both tired, we both have painful feet, resulting from today's interview. We wore super heel shoes and walked around quite abit. Szeling bought me my present today, in front of me, but she's not going to give it to me until tomorrow, leaves me with ALITTLE bit of anticipation. Haha. She bought me the RnB cd from my wish list. So i hope i don't get another one of those, what am i to do with 2 cds? Felt nice spending time together, it's been awhile.
Interview today was ALRIGHT. I had a mental block for about 10 seconds and couldn't say anything. So i just smiled and gave a face and said, "i am at a sudden loss for words." Dr Ren was the Co interviewer and he asks really weird questions. He's terrible at interviewing, i cannot catch his question cause he goes round and round and round. Thank goodness my talk rubbish skills and "think on the spot" skills are quite good. I think i managed to do ok. Szeling looked really pretty today. But then again, she's pretty everyday. Horh alvin? Haha. Fabian looked really good too. Quite sexy in fact. The shirt looked great on him. He's a confident fella, so the aura he exuded was pretty darn attractive. Then again, the shirt HAD to look good on him, i chose the shirt. Haha. Dawn has pretty good taste i would say. Haha. Angeline was looking great today too. Pretty. Had lunch and conversation with her, together with esther, and i must say, there is more than meets the eye. Then again, there always is.
I miss jac. I wonder how's she's doing. Haven't heard much from her since she left. She's not around to give me one of her extra sqeeze hugs for my birthday tomorrow for the 1st time. I miss those hugs. Miss my mummy. That's all i need to say about that. I miss dennis. wonder how's he doing, studying hard i hope, missing me too i hope. Haha. Miss my clique. Will see a few of them on saturday. Lp, i hope bryan recovers real soon. Sorry i haven't had the time to go down and visit him. Don't worry. He'll be out in no time ok?
Tomorrow i will officially be a year older. No celebration, no birthday cake, no presents. This year is just less special. BUT. I have a new group of friends to have dinner with and i'm so grateful and thankful they remember it. Alden and 4k are having their 1st match tomorrow. Let's all wish them luck. I'm sure this time they'll bring back a medal. They're great. Alden had his 1st match on my birthday last year too. Hee. Trust me to remember.
Alrighty. I wanna go and shower and take a short short nap. I have a tutorial quiz tomorrow 1st period. EXCELLENT. Happy birthday to me. *bleahz* They're evil.
I am fat. I am so fat i suspect i'm pregnant. I am really fat. All i have been doing is eating and eating and eating. After my birthday on wednesday, i am going to diet. I am too fat i can't stand looking at my chubby face in the mirror. No more pratas for me late at night. Cannot cannot. I'm already very unpretty, being fat is not an option. I feel like an oil tank. *groans* Must discipline. MUST.
Today was a LONG and boring day. Day started with tutorial in the morning with Dr Chang. He's starting to look really handsome man. He cut his hair and he gelled it too! Must be all our influence. Haha. Then had lecture, the had duty to clean the animal holding unit. It was SMELLY. Boring and smelly. I hate doing this like that. It went on for 2 rather agonising hours. Then we had 3 hours of lecture. Man, i was eating a Mars bar during lecture, i was soooo bored i started to doodle! I NEVER doodle! Even stoneing got too boring. Left in a flash once we were dismissed. Esther was so releived to be out of school. Haha. OH OH OH! I saw charlottle in formal today. Woooo hooo... prrrreeeetttty! Looking so good in her skirt and heels! I felt so honoured to see her man, she was hiding from me, but i went to disturb her anyway. Hahaha. She really looked so good! Fenny and kiwi looked so nice and out together too. Kiwi was wearing the shoes i 'bought' for him. They were perfect! Haha. Of course they were, i chose them! Haha. It's my turn tomorrow. I hate to wear formal. It ages me 10 years. It's also very binding. I'm going to bring clothes to change. Going to have a long, boring day again tomorrow. 9 to 5 with no break. 3 hours of animal disease lecture. I think i'm not going. Sian.
Oh well. I think i shall go and read my cocktail book. I'm going to do 80 sit ups tonight. I WILL. I have to wake up early tomorrow to dress up. Hope my "interview" goes well. I tend to talk rubbish when i'm nervous. And i do tend to get nervous. Dr Ren will be there to interview me too. I'm going to be so tongue tied. I miss him! Haven't been around him for 3 days already! Hahaha. Now i'm being dependent. No larh. I just miss him ALITTLE. I'm getting over it. It's not going to happen. Kay. got to go. Chao!
Ok, i'm going to be really shameless and post my birthday wish list. The only reason i'm posting it now is because the weekend is over, so the people who haven't bought me anything will prolly not buy anything cause my birthday is in 3 days, so i think it's safe to post it now. Haha. Here goes.
1. A really potent moisturizing lip balm.
2. A lip brush and eyeshadow brush.
3. The pink shu umera lip gloss.
4. A really potent moisturising hair mask, not the usual loreal ones that smell bad.
5. Make up removing wipes.
6. The SK2 miracle water.
7. An apilator
8. Spa vouchers for 2 (don't expect me to go myself right?)
9. Go for a brizilian wax with me, you making the appointment.
10. Go for instant tanning with me, you making the appointment.
11. The really goondu looking dinosaur/giraffe/sheep soft toy from the taka departmental store!
12. A couple of shot glasses to add to my collection.
13. The really funky ring from wisma isetan that szeling didn't allow me to buy.
14. Gourmet chocolate.
15. The RnB collection cd.
16. Season 6 of sex and the city dvds.
17. The pookey soft toy (garfield's teddy).
18. A whole stack of betty and veronica comics.
19. Baby blues comics.
20. Garfield comics.
21. Treat me to a meal.
22. Treat me to a movie.
23. A call from Jac.
24. Give me a hug and a kiss.
25. Help me feel loved and happy for one day.
26. World peace would be nice.
Hahaha. there you have it. Notice that i didn't include clothes or shoes, cause i've been walking around and there really isn't anything i fancy. So don't ask me what to get me, cause it's all here. Plus! Honestly, you don't need to get me anything. I'm just looking forward to my birthday that's all. I need something to look forward to. Hee.
I dreamt about Darren last night. It's been a LONG time since he appeared in my dreams. He was nice to me in my dream. I dreamt that we were in australia, just him and me. I don't remember why we were there. I just know that he wanted me there with him. We were sharing a room for accomdation, i think it was his room. He let me have the bed, and he slept on the floor. It was cold. I asked him to share the bed, my heart ached, and he said he want me to have it. I don't know the significance of the dream, it's prolly not anything important. But it filled me with warmth. I don't know why. Up till now he still has that effect on me, up till now, i still dream of him. I remember everything about him, honestly i do. He's probably very different now, but i never want the image of him in my mind to change. He was so close to perfect. In fact, he was perfect in my world when i had him. Darren was great. Darren was and is everything i want. Yes, even now, he's has everything i wanted, but now, i think i want more. I think i found someone more. I'm missing darren, can't deny it. Dreams have weird effects on me.
Alden asked me to go to Ruth's house for a party today, she stays at serangoon gardens, rather far away. I was skeptical as to why he asked me, so i dug for a more truthful answer. Guess what i got? "Aiyah, dawn you go also larh, the we all can tom pang your car go." EAT SHIT! I knew it! It pissed me off alittle. Everytime you talk to me nicely, you want something. Guess what buster! I'm not available to you anymore. Find yourself another girl to take for granted, another girl to take advantage of, another girl to edit your work for you, another girl to take your shit, another girl to wake up to ask if there's class, i'm DONE with all that. You see me in school 5 days a week, you don't even take 5 mins out of the whole 5 days to look at me, much less talk to me and you want to tom pang my car?! Who do you think you are? HUH?! 3 years i spent pinning and waiting and spoiling you. I just got my life back, and you're not so much a part of it anymore. You call me just to ask me for a ride? Have i EVER asked you to do anything like that for me? HUH?! Even when you come to my place for bbq, you say.. "wah, dawn, very hungry, faster cook for me." Then i cook for you, did you say thank you? HUH?! NO! NEVER! Did you even bother to ask me if i had plans this evening before asking me for a lift? Are you even CONCERNED?! Do you even remember that i'm a person, i'm an individual. I'm NOT your door bitch you twit! I'm humiliated! 3 years and you still don't see me. Guess what, i've moved on. Having said all that, i still allow him to treat me like that. Something to be proud of though, for the 1st time, i rejected him when he asked me for something. "It's a baby step, but still, it's a step." -> To kill a mockingbird.
Alvin came to school to see me today. He said he missed me, so he came all the way down from SP to TP to see me. Sweet huh. I was so touched. I think he was quite bored though. Woops. He chose a good day to come, we had presentations today, so he sat in and watched. Think he was quite entertained cause it's something different from what he does. The terrible part was that he saw me making one of my worst presentations ever. Haha. I was talking rubbish cause the LT was so freaking cold, i couldn't think properly, my bladder replaced my brain. Tried to be witty and cheeky and comically cynical in my presentation, but i think quite fail. Haha. Nvm, Dr Ren and Dr chang seemed to find it alright. Haha. Aiyah. Who cares, it's over.
Having birthday dinner with family and nat tomorrow. Can't wait to see nat again. Haven't seen her in a long while. Haven't seen my clique for very long. What should i get for Fel for her birthday? Hmm...
I'm thinking if i should go to sempang. I'm on the phone with szeling now and she's persuading me to go, but i'm feeling sian and grumpy. Kiwi will prolly come and fetch me, let me think about it somemore. I'll let you know again. haha.
