It is wednesday today. It is the first time in a long time that i'm spending the entire day at home. No zouk tonight. Too poor. All of us. But it's ok.. NEW ASIA BAR ON FRIDAY!! Hee hee. Should be quite fun, going with ling, roys, kiwi, peiqi, ken and ming hwee. We'll bring the house down. Fatal combination we are. Haha.

It's been a helluva time for me since attachment ended. Been really tired out chilling with my hommies. LIKE ROCK LARH! Haha. However, i will be starting work next week, 3rd of may. Will be working at a vet clinic, Vet practice ptd ltd. It's located at Jalan Jurong Kechil upper bukit timah area. Drop by if you like. Hee hee. It's not a very well paid job, and the hours are really long but beggars can't be choosers. haiz.

Actually, feel really reluctant to start work so soon. Feel as though i haven't enjoyed enough yet, which is really ridicules cause that's all i've been doing since 2 months ago. But i really want to spend more time with my friends before they all go into army go go back to school and all that. But well. How long more can i bum around? How many more job offers are going to come my way? Got to be abit more sensible and stop being a selfish dreg to society.

Anyway, having said all that. Glad that i've had so much fun with my friends. Glad that i could go to JB and do hair with them. Never thought i'd manange a feat like that. felt quite scared driving in Jb, scared ppl scratch/ bang/ steal my car. But kiwi was there with re assurance and that provided me some security. I rebonded my hair and cut it. It's really short now, the stylist took off like about 3 inches off my hiar or something. Damn sad. I hate it.

ah well. It isn't that i don't wanna update my blog, it's just that there isn't really much to say. I'm out everyday and everynight and mostly doing nothing but spending money. Quite bad.

Yup. So just to let you know that i'll be starting work soon. Catch me if i don't catch you!

Why am i feeling this bitter sense of disappointment? It should not even be EXISTENT. It should have been completely erased. Why am i feeling it? The complete lack of enthusiasm in his voice left me completely hollow and for that very moment, i felt loneliness. Something that i refused to feel and numbed myself against. Yet i felt it. Just at that moment. This is NOT good. SZELING. COME BACK NOW! I need you... i need you to slap me and be my friend for awhile again. I felt something. Tis not good. NOT GOOD. NOPE. Not good at all.

My peeps are making their way down to KL right this minute as i am sitting in a brightly lit room with 11 grown men, possibly twice my age. It is dead silent, apart from the sounds of intermittent coughing and the flipping of pages. I am their invigilator for this exam they're taking. I am getting paid $6 an hour, 6 hours a day for 3 days. That's a grand total of $108! What a far cry from wyeth where i could easily earn that amount in a single day. Ok. Ok. No looking back. People should only move forward and not backwards.

Talk about looking forward, a couple of my hommies have.... received their enlistment letter!!! Of all horrors! Know what this means???!!! This means that i'll grow crazy from missing them and it also means that i will have NO FRIEND!! Which leads to me being very sad and pathetic casue i will be unemployed and friendless. In other words, i will become a social outcast!! WOE IS ME!! We've talked about army often enough, but it somehow always seems so distant. Suddenly, it's become so real. We're all getting old and prodding on in our lives.

Actually, all i want to do is go back to school. I realised that school is probably the only place where problems will sort out themselves. It's like as though all you have to do is pray hard enough, and you'll get through somehow. When you're like me, bumming, nothing seems to fall into place. I can't seem to find a job (don't mention wyeth), i can't seem to find a boyfriend (hur hur), can't seem to find a suitable course of study, can't seem to find a school (fine. i haven't filed my applications.). See. Everything just sucks.

It's only been slightly more than a month since attachment ended. Somehow, it seems longer. The good thing is, i have this group of friends to hang with every night to take away the boredom. Think i've met them every night since work ended. Funny how this group came about. Who'd ever thought. Haha.

Some nights ago, i was having dinner with Alden. Just. Me and Alden. It's been such a long time since we brothers sat down together for a meal and chatted. Really chatted. Not at all for the past 2 semesters. The comfortable feeling of familiarity came down on me and i was quick to embrace it. To be honest, i wanted to embrace him. I've missed him so and i'm glad we caught up.

The thing with Alden is, seeing him reminds me of what happened a long time ago. Robert's faced a similar situation not too long ago and i thought about myself. If i could go back, would i change things? I decided that i probably won't. This epic, in it's unfortunate nature brought me many blessings.

Most significantly, it brought me Szeling. Someone whom which i cannot properly function without. Makes me wonder how i've ever gotten so far without. It kept me in close contact with Nat, who really really stuck by me through the thicks and thins. It brought me dennis whom i miss terribly but can't contact cause he gave me the wrong HP number! (Dennis!!!! Call me, sms me or something!!! You're looking thin by the way.) It also brought me my inner square whom i've spent many unforgettable nights with. They allowed me into their lives and they're so much a part of me now. I can't imagine my vet sem without esther, shopping without fenny and i can't imagine studying without kiwi!! How things change. Of course, now, i can't imagine zouking without lennart and royston, hums with out meiqi and fenny, supper would be meaningless without the jiuguis! Haha.

hmm.. watching these people do the paper makes me miss exams as well. I think i'm mad. But i do miss it know. Did i tell you i got B+ for my major project?! HAPPY SIA! I'm in the top 25% in my course know! Hee hee hee! Thanks to all who contributed one way or another.

As of this moment, i would like to give a shout out to JAC!!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH BABE! How're you? Call me sometime when you're less busy. Can't wait for you to be back here again. So much to catch up on. Sorry i can't come down to visit you this time, but i promise i will eventually. Good luck with everything. love ya.

Alrighty. Long entry. Heh. Sorry it took so long. My internet's cranky. Dennis........ contact me please. And eat more! Look so thin! K... till next time. OUT!

My legs are feeling extremely jelly-fied after today's kickboxing session. I don't know how nat can go pottering down to wala wala in heels. I think i'm going to give way soon. My joints are creaking with age. But kickboxing was fun though. At least i could keep up. Hee. Unlike last week's arobics where i was a lost sheep. I'll have to admit and declare that i have no hand-leg coordination. My foot work is completely cannot make it. (reminds me of the beginning of my tennis days where i had to spend the entire lesson learning my foot work). I'm ok with the hand/arm movements, but once you throw in the leg movements, i'm all wrong. Probably explains why i can't dance. That's why mambo is good, you only move your arms. Haha.

At this specific moment, i am contemplating going to ECP with the jiu guis. It is now 11.06pm. Ever since attachment ended (which was 3 weeks ago), i've met them everyday. And for the past one week, i haven't been home before 3am. I've been indulging in activities which i never would have in the past. karaoke, drinking, clubbing... clubbing especially. Been to Zouk every wednesday since after attachment. There was this week i went to zouk on wed and mdm wong on sat. I am therefore very broke and very fat and very tired. The bad thing is, even though i'm really tired, i can't sleep. Tis very annoying.

I am now looking for a job. A substantial job that will last me a couple of months. Got any kang tau must tell me ok? Part time or full time also can, i need money and i need to do something more constructive. I think i'm the most useless person on earth at this time. A dreg of society, not earning but spending away. I want to study. When you study, all you have to worry about it getting good grades. No need bother about the extended future.

Talk about studying, i have started filling up application forms for uni. The bad thing is, my grades are quite shitty and applications are expensive. What if nobody wants me? I also don't know what i want to study. With my grades, i don't think i should ask for too much. But this is a degree know, years and years and years of my parents money, must think carefully.

The thing with studying is the issue of interest vs industry. My interest is human biology, anatomy and physiology kind stuff, but it's not really a degree, it's more like module subjects. So yeh, abit sucky. The thing with science is that tuition fees are really high cause of labs. The thing with labs is that i hate it! But science is lab based. I know i'm contradicting myself. I appreciate the theory, but i hate the practical. Argh. Decisions decisions. Then there are courses like occupational therapy, chiopractic, complementary medicine, behavourial nuroscience which i'm interested in taking. But all the time and all that money for something i prolly won't be practicing? I don't know.

Ultimately, i wanna teach. So bascially what i study doesn't matter. But i don't think i'll be teaching all my life, and i want a degree with market value. But the thing with techonology based degrees is the rapid change of industry. New drugs will always be invented, new programmes, new machines, things like that. Science is like that. You either keep up or you get out. Know what i mean? So many factors to consider, more than i thought. This is tough.

I was smsing my wyeth colleagues and i found out that production has increased and there's only one person preparing all the media for testing. I am feeling EXTEMELY bad for not going back to help out. Ken reached home at 10.30pm from work one day and he started work at 7.30am. that's like almost 14 hours of work! See. This is one reason why i didn't go back to wyeth, they work you like crazy. To stay in that kind of environment, you really need to love the job and be completely commited and dedicated. I am not that kinda person. I'm not a lab person. I feel extremely bad towards the media prep personell. Can imagine the stress and workload. Haiz. Never get too bonded to colleagues. They bring about unnecessary emotions.

I have decided not to go to ECP. I'm too tired. Kickboxing was xiong.

Know i miss my friends. I mean my other friends aside from the jiu guis. I mean the jiu guis are fun and they're nice. But it's a very big group and big goups tend to be unpersonal. Often feel out of place. Guess cause i'm so highly strung compared to them. Szeling has royston now and fenny sometimes doesn't go... feel lonely though there are so many people around. Nothing we do is actually very meaningful, we just hang out, drink alot, smoke alot, cock around alot and laugh alot. Sounds fun? Yeh it is. But sometimes, it's not really for me.

I miss conversations. I miss sitting down and watching tv. I miss one on one time. I miss genuinity. Yeh. Seems so distant now. I miss alden, alvin, reynard, my girls, peiqi, ken, szeling and the original inner square. All these people are my anchors, but right now, they seem so far away. Maybe it's me. I'm not making the effort. *shrugz* Maybe i'm thinking too much. As usual.

Alrighty. I should go now. Get some sleep. Tired. Talk again soon.