It's the end of the year.

I was getting ready for bed and i thought about the past year, i thought about christmas, i am now overwhemled with a deep sense of emptiness and sadness. I miss my mum. I don't think i've said this to anyone except szeling. I do miss my mum. I miss her so much that it hurts everytime i think about her. As a result, i try not to think of her and i feel so rotten for not wanting to remember. There are so many times i just want to cry and let it all out, like right now. My tears can't seem to flow.

What is wrong with me?

This year has been pitt bottom for me. Each time i sank, i forced myself to get up. Each time i did it almost all on my own. I had no one to cry to, no one who would truely understand. I had nothing that was exclusive to me and it is such a terrible feeling. Loneliness always threatens to swallow me whole and each time i fight it. I come home to an empty house. Even when everyone is at home, it is still empty. There isn't warmth and understanding. There isn't trust. There isn't substantial conversation. But everyday i force myself to be happy, because i don't deserve to be grieving, there are others worse off than i.

If my mummy were at home, there would always be laugher, there would always be love and sharing, there would be trust and there would be comfort. All that is lost to me now. I don't remember when was the last time i had a hug of comfort, when the last words of encouragement was spoken to me. I am left to fend for myself and i feel so hardened, sometimes i disgust myself.

I had a group of friends i called my clique. They were once exclusively mine. I gave everything i had to save and sustain our friendship, but now someone says "fuck the clique". The hurt that ran through me when i read it. When they weren't there to dry my tears and share my grief when my mummy passed on, I didn't even say "fuck the clique". I continued to listen, care and comfort. Why is it that we only see the superficial of things? What is beyond the surface? Do you see my pain? Do you see my loneliness? Do you see my fear? Or do you see what shoes i'm wearing, what colour my hair is, how much i eat, or which loser i'm going out with? Why don't you ask me about it? Why did you never ask about it? Why do we exert such harsh words upon each other? Why did you never care for me?

Christmas. I'll never have another christmas with my mummy. Why didn't anyone hug me and tell me it's ok? Why didn't anyone open their arms for me to fall into? Are we pretending? Am i pretending? Am i pretending that it doesn't matter? Why doesn't the world stop for me? Why can't I just for one day be genuinely happy? Why can't he find it in his heart to love me? Why do i always feel that i'm no good enough? Why do i feel as though i don't deserve anything? Why did life force me to become a cynical bitch?

When i was heartbroken because of hurt and betrayal, i cried and cried and cried. No one came to me. And they say "that's what friends are for". What exactly are friends for? Define it for me so i can respond when my friend tells me to "fuck off", so that i can react when my friend "steals" the love of my life, so that i won't feel the hurt of losing them to the bastards they go out with, come on. Define it. Tell me what kind of friend you want me to be? So that i can attach a standard operating proceedure to each of you and we'd have the perfect relationship. I need at least one perfect relationship in my life. All of mine are dysfunctional.

I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. Tired of pretending, tired of smiling, tired of living my life. It's seems like i have everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes i just want sleep to take me away. To a place where dreams are real and the world is only ruled by pleasant feelings and thoughts, by unbreakable friendships and unconditional love. Where there are no expectations no disappointments and no hurt feelings. I want to live in the land of happily ever after.

I'm tired. I really am tired.

Let's talk. We haven't done so in awhile. I apologise for my absence, been too lazy to come online, and i don't really have anything to write about. I have a dull, mundane life. I have to type this really slowly, i suffered a 2nd degree burn at work yesterday, so tis a tad agonising to be typing, but it's ok. I have a high treshold of pain, in more ways than one.

Really need to say a big thank you to Kiwi for accompanying me to the doctor. I called him when i was in desperate pain, i just needed the comfort of someone to sooth the pain. When he heard that i had hurt myself, he immediately agreed to go with me, regardless of the work he had to do. He took the train with me all the way and sat through the very painful treatment and walked me home. So nice right? I think so too. Feel so blessed, friends like that are hard to find. They really are.

Anyway. Discussion topic of the day, "Would you date your best friend's ex?" It was on radio just now while i was drving home from ling's place. So would you? It's kinda subjective right? But my answer would be..... NO! You can argue that feelings cannot be controlled and blah blah blah. What a load of bullocks. Feelings CAN be controlled. Otherwise i'd have gone mad by now. It's also a matter of principles. I mean you wouldn't want your best friend to date YOUR ex right? I mean how often is it that you break up on good terms? Obviously you'd have issues right? Do unto others what you want done unto you. I think dating your friend's ex cause a feeling of both hurt and betrayal, of which neither is a good feeling. A concoction of both is just fatal. Trust me, i know. I nearly died, it's poison.

Then of course there are those insensitvie people around who think that "love" is more important than friendship. HAH! When disaster strikes, we'll see what happens. Which kinda brings me to the point the I (it's MY opinion, not trying to impose it on anyone, so don't be judgemental, i'm making a non judgemental judgement) don't believe that a relationship and a friendship can co exsist. I used to be really close to my friends, then one by one they got attached, then we drifted to the ends of the earth. There's only so much rejection you can tahan. I mean if they always choose their other half over you, soon you'll just stop trying. Don't deny it. It's true.

Yeh. I know, you prolly think i'm being a narrow minded, jealous, over protective, attention seeking individual. Maybe i am. Who isn't selfish. I'm Jaded. I've learnt many lessons that i wished never happened and these are my feelings. I'm a cynical bitch. I know i am. Ling says i'm too cynical for my own good. Maybe this is how i adapted to my pain. I became cynical. One day i'm prolly going to end up all alone with no friends cause they'll all have a special someone and i'll be the old woman how lived with her shoes. What can i say? Circumstances. *shrugz*

Anyway, on a lighter note, I'm still madly in love with Sly. He was so good at the Jolin concert. Yes. I went for the stupid concert. No. I didn't apy for it. Are you mad?! It's chinese! I had free tickets. I went only because of Sly. Didn't regret it, he's good. He sounds so much better singing in mandrin. One of the songs that he seld composed was so touching! It's about his girl running off with another guy, about how he feels tears in his eyes when he sees them holding hands, about how he has so many things to say but keeps it inside cause all he wants is for her to be happy. Haiz.... he was so good. Can't wait, can't wait for his album!! Hee hee hee.

I realised that jac is coming back next monday!!!! *screams!!* Finally!!! Miss her to bits!!! Hopefully i'll get to catch her before she leaves again. So much to catch up on. Hee. Another event that's "coming back" is christmas. I can't believe it's next week. feeling very un-christmassy. I didn't enjoy last christmas, it was the last one i had as a complete family and it was hard to get by. Amidst the love and joy was fear and pain, not at all a good feeling nor a good memory. I'm not enjoying this chrstmas either. I have to work on christmas eve this year, have absolutely no time nor money to go shopping which is the part i enjoy the most. If you don't receive a present from me this year, i deeply apologise, i just don't have the means right now, but i'm sure all the meals and little things i've treated you to amounts to a christmas gift right? haha. Now i'm just being calculative, but seriously. I really am pathetic. Therefore, don't buy me anything cause i'll be ashamed if i didn't give you anything. So.... don't get anything for me.

Ok, i'm sleepy. It's time to coma. We'll talk again. I don't know when, but i promise we will. Keep coming to this channel, we might have something new. Give me that benefit of doubt. Goodnight all. Happy shopping this christmas!

Alright. I think this entry is well overdue. If i don’t blog anytime soon i’m going to lose my viewership and you people are prolly thinking that i died in tuas or something. Well. I’m very much alive, sadly. Means that i’ll have to get my ass to work tomorrow. Sian. How’re you guys anyway?

Did you peeps catch the finals of Singapore Idol? I was devastated with the results. I almost cried in front of the TV. It’s been days and i’m still grieving over Sly’s loss. I don’t know if anyone feels the same way as i. Probably not. Everybody still thinks i’m crazy. I can’t blame them. If Sly were my next door neighbour and he didn’t take part in SI, i’d be completely turned of by him. I won’t deny it, i have NO IDEA why i’m so attracted to this skinny poke.

I thought he was treated unfairly. How could the judges ask him to sing It’s My Life?? Bon Jovi sang that song! BON JOVI! He’s like the diva of rock! How could Sly sing as well as him? You’d need rubber lungs or something! Even Taufik won’t be able to sing it. It’s crazy! NOT FAIR! Not only that, Taufik’s Mrs Jones was so suited for his vocals, but NOOOOOOOOO, they had to chose a Bon Jovi for sly. So annoying!!!!!! But. But but but but but, did you hear sly sing “ i Dream”??!! My goodness! I’m dreaming that he’d one day sing it only to me! Don’t you find that when Sly sings, it’s like he’s singing only to you? I feel! Extra credit is given to sly because he did such a great job with his diction! I imagine how much work he put in to achieve what he did. Haiz, sly sly sly. I like. I can’t wait for his album to come out. I’m gonna grab it! I hope it comes with a poster. Then i’ll hang it on my ceiling and i’ll be able to see him every morning when i wake up, and every night before i sleep. Even though his album is going to be in chinese, i will listen to it religiously everyday. Yeh. I am mad. Go on. Laugh at me. I like sly. If he’s a friend of yours, must tell me ok!!!! Then i’ll be really motivated to become skinny so that i’ll look drop dead gorgeous when i get to meet him. I doubt i’ll EVER be able to be drop dead gorgeous, but the thought is there larh huh. Ok. I’m rambling. Shut up dawn shut up. But i like.....

Know what? Christmas is coming. I am ashamed to say that every year, i get so caught up with the hustle and bustle of the christmas festivity that i forget the true meaning of christmas. Christmas is the day my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ were born to virgin Mary in a humble stable in Bethlehem. Chirstmas is a time of love and sharing, a festival of joy and peace, of salvation and everlasting life. I love Christmas.

On Sunday, i was sitting with the “normal” Sunday school kids and they were sitting down and singing christmas songs together. Suddenly, all my tiredness evaporated. It’s like they filled me with their child like faith and fixed my eyes upon Jesus. It’s so nice to be a child. You’ll never be troubled about the harsh reality of the world. You’ll never have to fix your own broken heart. You could cry as and when you want. You don’t have to take care of yourself. You don’t worry about the superficial riches of the world. Everything you need, everything you want is given to you on a silver platter. Maybe that’s why children see God so much clearer than adults. That’s why children are able to appreciate the green grass and the blue skies and all the wonderful creations my Father made. I wish i was a child, having so much, yet being content with so little.

Why is it that it’s so difficult to hold on to what you believe? Why does reality have to take everything away? When you were little, you always believed that no matter what, you’re mum and dad will always be there for you. You believed that you could always count on your friends, that they will never let you down or forsake you, you believe that one day a handsome prince who loves you’ll sweep you off your feet. You believe that love would last a lifetime. You believe that you’d get a high paid job just because you think you could. Wonderful thoughts aren’t they? Why does the world have to ruin everything?

Why did God create sickness and disease? Why did God bless me with such wonderful friends only to let me get disappointed and resentful? Why did God bless me with Darren and Alden only to take them away so painfully?

I am not questioning my faith, because every time I am weary, I turn my eyes to the Lord and he heals me, comforts me and encourages me in ways that cannot be explained. I am not the best testimony there is, but I couldn’t have come so far without His love and His blessings, for without suffering, how can there be compassion?

I used to rebut this statement but saying..” Yeh well, tell that to those who suffered.” I am a cynical bitch, I know I am. Everyday i tell myself not to be so highly strung and let love, in general, lead the way. But why is it that every time i tell myself to be a better person, ugly thoughts come to mind? It’s like an addiction. I think i’m addicted to pain. Like it gives me this unfounded energy. Where pain just fuels a dead heart. I don’t know. Maybe i’m just tired. Maybe i’ve been faced with too many disappointments. Maybe i’ve lost too many Christmas’. Maybe i’ve lost heart.

As Bon Jovi said. “ Give me something for the pain”. I have a crazy obsession right now. Crazy for Sly, Obsessed with Sly, addicted to pain. I’m insane. Sleep. Sleep is good.

P.S: If anyone sees Sly’s posters or magazine covers or things along those lines, get for me k? Thanks.