Who wants to help me dig my grave???? Who's free?? I have tests next week and i'm so unprepared! Been trying to study these days, but i always feel so tire when i look at my notes know. Everytime wanna sleep. Tsk. Honestly, i can't help it if my work is sleep inducing. It really is know. It's words words and more words. I was reading my notes in the train just now, something about cDNA libraries. The lady next to me was like reading over my shoulder and she looked quite horrified. Hahaha. She must be thinking, "this girl looks like a drop out, why is she reading genetics?" Can't blame her. Oh well. Whoever's free, call me ok..? Wanna go dig my grave together. Cham larh. Lucky it's only term test. I shall aim for a C average. Hopefully. Genetics and Bpharm are scary!

I just got back from clique gathering. Went to Marina south for table bbq. YUMMY! Actually everything was really greasy and unhealthy. I think i've gotten signifacantly fatter after this meal. It was really disgusting. I mean the rate we were eating. OK, the rate I was eating. Aiyarh, you know, with good company, you kinda don't notice. After that, i was truely disgusted with myself. DIET DIET! FAT! Going to donate blood on sunday, sekali that test my blood and they realise that i have lipemia! That'll really be embarrassing. Lipemia- fat in blood. Anyway. Dinner was great, all 8 of us, though like half of us arrived late. It's quite annoying actually, you would think i'd have gotten used to it by now. Conversations were good, making alot of noise as usual, sheena telling us about her jonathan, getting all enthusiastic. Haha. Silly girl. She should just hook up with him and dump her bf since he seems to be so disinterested. Felicia was quarrelling with her charles when she arrived. everytime i see her, she seems to be quarrelling with charles or just finish quarrelling. I really don't know how they can last so long while quarrelling so often. Not tired..? Perhaps i don't understand. Not within my realm. Vanessa was pretty much just busy eating and scooping out the eggs for us. Oh! She got crab juice in her eyes cause she was fighting with the live crab, her eyes were watery the whole time after that. Thanks vanessa! It's nice to see you contribute to the meal for a change! Haha. Nah, just kidding. Poor elaine was blowing her nose the WHOLE time. She really was ill. Used like 20 packets of tissue?! I'm serious! She still came though. She was talking to jac most of the time. Couldn't hear what they were talking about cause i was on the opposite side of the table. Sharon came in her pink shorts! Haha. Bryan bought it for her, she rushed down from NUS. Skinny as ever, don't recall her talking much though. Maybe i just couldn't hear over all the noise. Was talking to Nat most of the time cause i was seated next to her. Most of the time she wasn't in her seat. As usual, she was being the nicest by running off the take food and buy drinks for us. She didn't eat much though. Not her style of dining i suppose. Was good was good. We took our last clique picture for the year, after which we went home.

I went to Nat's home though. Wanted to play with her kittens!!! She has 2!! They're soooo sweet! They're long haired cats. One's black and the other's kinda greyish. They're so tiny! So adorable! I'm starting to appreciate animals more now, effects of school i suppose. I never really had much of a liking to them, but now, i enjoy holding them and playin with them. I suppose cause so many of them are sacrificed for science, those that are not should be treated better, with more love an affection. Afterall, animals love you unconditionally. They cheer you up when you're unhappy, with their own idiosyncracies, they're sweet. How just looking at them play makes your day better. I would love to have kittens, but russell would not stand for it. He's too used to being the king of the house, spoilt and the center of attention. I'm worried about my hamters that are yet to arrive. Nat was telling me about how her turtle, emil was feeling left out cause of the kittens. Haha. How he was so protective of his lettuce leaf when the kitten was approaching it. See, animals are sweet, even though they're in shells. Nat looks so loving when she's playing and talking to her kittens, even though she says she doesn't fancy them too much. When she helps them to clean off they're milk mustache and scolds them. Haha. Just imagine it... i'm sure you can. She'll end up loving them to bits, though she was feeling kinda sorry for emil. But then, when animals are naughty, you just feel like roasting them!! russell just gave me 2 really vicious scratches today! I look abused. Fat and abused. Great.

Oh no! Is it 1.30 already...???? I have to go now.. i have to study! Tomorrow night go no time. Shit... wish time would wait for me. If only. Chey. Okok.. back to my genomic library!!

I copied this quiz thingy off ling's blog. I'm bored, supposed to be studying but it's genetics! Alittle credit please! Take your time, it's never ending.

So...what day of the week were you born?: eh... you got to ask my mum, but that's not so possible right now.

What time?: sometime in the evening. The irony

What number child are you...in your family, anyway: the 2nd, the middle
Is that okay with you?: it's never been an issue.

Are you adopted?: no

Are you a twin?: nope

Do twins run in your family?: not that i know off

Do you get along with your family?: yes, more or less

Do you remember anything from before you were three?: i don't even remember what i did this morning, you think?

What kind of baby were you? (did you cry a lot or not or like people?): i was the best kind, the kind that just looks so sweet and lets everyone play with them, didn't cry much. I think

Some people think the way you were born affects your personality. Do you?: no, personality changes over time and circumstances, don't be silly.

How were you born? (Such as a lot of people there, being premature or late): punctual?

How many times have you been in a hospital for you?: once

Are you afraid of doctors?: no.. unless they're really unprofessional looking

How about needles?: nope, use them almost every week in lab.

Do you mind going to the dentist?: depends.. the wisdom tooth op was horrific!!

Have you ever had braces?: nope

Have you ever had surgery?: no

Have you ever done drugs?: when i'm sick, yeh. Not the "high on drugs" kind though, no ketamine for me.

Did you like the movie Biodome?: sounds like a movie i'd hate

What are your view on smoking?: eh.. it's changed over time, but i don't encourage it

Do you like fishing?: never tried, but i doubt it.

Can you swim?: yes

Do you like to read?: most of the time, depends on what i'm reading

What is your favorite adhesive?: double sided tape i guess

Do you have any musical ability?: not really, i played the paino and i wasn't very good, played the trumpet and wasn't very good either

How about artistic?: i can match clothes pretty well

Which would you rather have more of?: brain cells, love, time, sleep

Can you sew?: no...?

Would you live if you were alone on an island with goats for ten years?: i'd try.. but quite pathetic huh.

How about sheep?: read above

Are you allergic to anything?: my notes and my work and i think so escagots.. i THINK.

Do you like milk?: it's ok.. can't drink too much though

Would you rather write with a pen pencil crayon or marker?: pen

Do you like coloring?: yes! i colour with my sunday school kids!

Do you doodle?: no.. not really

Do you think you're a good planner?: yes, i'm very detail orientated. eh, except when it comes to planning my life and my schoolwork

Do you think you're a good leader?: i can be i suppose

...a good people person?: ehhh... what do you think?

Did you ever paint your nails with white out?: nope.

...with sharpies?: what are sharpies??

Would you rather read or write?: read actually. i'm so lazy to write

Do you use a mousepad?: yes. It's the bumble bee from happy house.

Do you like bright or pastel colors better?: bright mostly, not much into pastels

Do you like hats?: sometimes

Do you think you look good in hats?: i don't know, i don't wear them

Do you have any piercings?: on the ears

Do you think you have a lot of friends?: only a few close to heart

Do you have farmer's tan?: no.... i'm like dao huay

Paper or plastic?: what are we talking about...?

Night or day?: no preference

What's your favorite type of music?: hip hop, RnB, the sappy kind... depends actually

Are you afraid or roller coasters?: YES! why do they always have to make them so high?! can't they have a low one?

Do you...like quizzes?: the kinds in school..?? No!

Do you have a crush on anyone?: errrrrrr.... if i say no,people aren't going to believe me. If i said yes, i'd be lying... how?

I wont pry...unless you want to say who it is...: i don't want

How many people have you gone out with?: like what? dated? A few.

In terms of baseball...how far have you gone?: no ball to base with. haha

Are you straight, gay, bi, or a transvestite?: straight.

Am I running out of questions to ask?: doesn't matter...

Do you mind being photographed?: depends, i have moods.. just never take my profile! i hate it!

Do you mind speaking in public?: yes. i dont like it

How about performing in public? (singing, sports, instruments...): done it before, it starts out really awful, especially after my solos.. but after the performance, the mood is great!

Do you like your hands?: sometimes, when my nails are nice and long and polished.

Are you listening to anything?: the cooking that's going on in the kitchen.

Who was the last person you spoke with?: my jie, she just called to ask me about my lil sis.

Other than computer related items, what was the last think you touched?: my mobile

What is your favorite game?: monopoly!

Do you keep bags for no reason?: ah hah hah. Whaddaya think.

Can you picture where you'll be in ten years?: i'll be 29, unmarried, cause i'm going to win my bet with dennis and prolly living with my dad still, working though.

Is that a good or bad thing?: depends on how you look at it right?

Are you happy?: i'm stoned

Do people think you're happy?: i don't know, ask them!

Are you happy?: i just said i was stoned. Aren't you listening?!

What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see?: none. i'mnot crazy enough, not even for Clay.

If you were in a band, which role would you be? (ex. hot lead singer):the back up singer.

Who do you love most in the whole world?: my family and friends

What was your worst childhood experience?: my childhood was great

Would you ever consider prostitution as an occupation?: no. i don't qualify. hah. Nah, God don't like.

Do you dance and sing at the top of your lungs when no one's around?: not at the top of my lungs though.

Do you like rainy days?: depends on what i'm doing...if i'm sleeping.. YES! if not.. not really.

You can trade another person's emotions for your own. Whose do you take?: the person who hurt me

Name the stupidest person you know.: Bak Jing Ting Dawn

What's your normal state of mind?: bo chap, stoned.

What's your perfect date?: it has to be with the perfect person

Name the three biggest things that make up you.: erm.. sleep, tv, and my friends

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Which do you take?: the one that gets me home

Are you stubborn?: if it's something i really really really really really want, yes. But that's very very very rare, i usually just walk away.

If you could relive one year of your life, which would it be?: anyone that has my mum in it, minus last year.

Are your friends your shield or do you need a shield against your friends?: i'm the shield of my friends and myself... i think.

Do you often let people down?: yeh, i think so.

What makes your heart beat faster?: anger, fear, anxiety.

Have you ever felt invisible to those around you? If so, when?: yes, alot of times.

Are you a one night stand or serious relationship type person?: serious, definately.

What was/is going to be your first waltz at your wedding?: i'm not going to have a waltz. I'm not sure if i'm even going to have a wedding.

When it's not summer, what do you miss most about it?: it's summer all year round.

Do you consider yourself patriotic?: no...

How much do you care about your family?: enough.

What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy?: having made my mum proud.

Do you consider yourself mainstream?: harrrh?

What's the riskiest thing you've ever done?: i'm not much of a risk taker, unless you're talking about alden.

Do you go with the flow or do your own thing?: depends on what i'm doing

What is life's greatest mystery?: why do you need life when you eventually have to die..?

Who loves you?: my friends and family and my russell.

What was your favourite make-believe game as a kid?: land of dolls.. i loved dolls.

Do you often degrade people without knowing it?: i don't think so.. if i do.. i'm sorry. it's not on purpose.

Do you try your best at everything?: no. i'm a lazy bum

Who is your shoulder to cry on?: i seldom cry.. but it's be ling and Nat.

What's your standard excuse for not doing something?: lazy/ tired. Actually they're not excuses, they're facts!

If it were you against the world, who would be on your side?: doesn't matter, i can fight a lonely battle, i do it all the time.

Name the most beautiful person you know.: my mum

Have you ever been to jail?: no, and i will never.

To court?: nope

What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of?: any moment my mum was laughing.

Have you ever taken clothes out of the lost and found and worn them?: i'm not that broke.

What place holds the most memories for you?: home.

What are you waiting for?: the time for me to go out, waiting for knowledge to diffuse into my brain, waiting for the man of my dreams... many many.

Do you wear makeup?: yes, i'm honest.

What is the greatest and best song in the world?: shi shang zhi you ma ma hao.

Who was your first date?: erm.. darren.

What's the best trip you've ever been on?: australia trip with Nat!

Have you been suckerpunched?: no...

What do you think the earth will look like in 1000 years?: will it last that long...?

What kind of car do you own?: i don't OWN a car.. but i drive a humble nissian march, which is easy to park!

Who is your favourite band?: savage garden.

Who makes you happy to be around?: my friends pretty much.

What song is your 'anthem'?: don't have.

What's your favourite video game?: dont play them

What secret have you tried to hide but it got out anyway?: i don't have secrets..

Who's your celebrity crush?: Caly aiken!!

What do you do on rainy afternoons?: i am either at home sleeping, or in school.

If you were to die right now, what would you want your last words to be?: i'm sorry.

What languages do you speak?: english, chinese, and dawn language.

Who/what is your everything?: my family and friends.

How many people have you turned down when they asked you out?: as in date out out? A few. never count.

What is your reason for living?: My mummy said i have to go to uni and graduate.

What are the bourgeoise?: look at my face.. do i care..???

How many ex's do you have?: i don't know how to answer this.

Who was your worst relationship with?: well.

Have you ever taken back a gift you've given someone?: i would never do that.

Are you racist?: no

Are you a virgin?: yes. and proud.

How many times have you been so drunk you've passed out?: none.

What are you the best at?: procrastinating, being frivolous and mounting kerbs.

What's your 'label'? (ex. punk, prep): slacker.

Do you believe in an afterlife? What is it like?: i do, it's in heaven where my mum is, and my Savious is, and the streets are paved with gold, and people are never unhappy because all there is is unconditional, agape love.

Do you swear? How much?: yes i swear... but not much.

What's the biggest lie you've ever told and got away with?: i'm not telling.

Have you ever had food poisoning?: nope

Do you believe in life in outer space?: i don't think about it much. I'm indifferent.

What's your worst habit?: procrastinating

What takes your breath away?: a hug from the person you love.

If you were famous, would you have a stage name?: no... Dawn's fine.

Do you get into fights often?: no

If you could kill anyone and get away with it, who would you kill?: well... quite a few actually.

Are you patient?: most of the time.

Who is your soul mate?: Hmm... perhaps i haven't found one.

If you could run away to somewhere, where would you run to?: into my mum's embrace.

Are you a good dancer?: HAHAHAHAHA. NO.

Who would you call first in a life threatening situation (not 911)?: my sis. Only cause my mum's not around.

Who do you miss?: my mum, dennis

What is your mom's name?: Annie Lok Ying.

What fact of life would you rather not know about?: That people die even when you don't want them to.

Do you like snakes?: NO! take it away from me!

Would you let someone go if you knew it was best for them?: yes.

Do you gossip?: i cannot lie. Yes.

Do you like to party?: It depends.. on the people and the mood and the music

What religion are you?: Christian

Who do you wish would walk off the face of the earth?: I'm fine with most people. They can stick around.

Who was your first best friend?: Jac.

Are you still friends?: Yup! we're bestest!

I'm tired of the Name:, Age: I'll tell you if you wanna know.. do you?

Do you notice someone staring at you from across the room?: no, my blinds are down most of the time.

Do you smile at strangers?: sometimes

What kind of clothes do you buy?: the comfortable non fat kind.

How much do you spend on clothes weekly?: ehhhh... i don't usua;;y buy clothes on a weekly basis.

How many bowls of cereal do you eat in the morning?: none. I'm not into cereals.

Do you give your dog a bone?: no.. he'll get rashy

Do you give your cat any cat nip?: i don't have a cat.

Do you own a hedgehog?: i would like to.

How often do you clean your room?: never, Linda does it for me. She's so nice!

How many days do you normally miss during a school year?: if you add up all the thursday 8am lectures that i don't go... and times that 1 hour by the days i go to school.. you'll get your answer.. you do the maths.

How many days do you skip?: none. I always go to schol. I'm a good kid.

Do any of your classes go on field trips?: no.... boring.

Are you in elementary, middle school, or high school?: i'm past all that.

Do you live up north or down south?: neither

Do you live torwards the west?: nope.

The east?: so clever!

Central?: i said east already.

Have you ever been to China?: no. Hopefully my dad won't get posted there.

What countries would you like to visit?: Eroupe, new zealand.

Do you like to roll people's houses?: no... i'm not so free.

Ever played the drums on a steering wheel?: yes.... i'm one of those people.

How often do you go to the doctor's office?: rarely

How many pillows do you have on your bed?: i've just up graded to 3 yesterday!

How many shoes are in your closet?: some? haha. Don't know, never count

How many "lost" socks are under your bed?: none. sock don't wind up under my bed.

Do you like cheerleaders?: no

I'm a cheerleader: and then....?

Are you on the Honor Roll, Merit Roll, or No Roll?: no roll...

What is the lowest grade you have ever made on your report card?: D. Disgraceful

Can you roll your tongue?: yes

How many times?: as many as i want..

Can you cross your eyes?: yeh.

Can you cross one eye and keep the other looking completely strait?: no.. i'm not a freak.

Can you wiggle your ears?: nope

How many times?: N/A

Can you throw your voice?: i can yell.. trust me.

Were you named after anyone?: nah.. don't think so..

What type of tennis shoes do you wear?: a white Fila pair that looks like a loaf of bread. I only wear it for tennis. Strictly for tennis.

Have you ever skateboarded?: no

Do you like to play with fire?: nope.

Are you a redneck?: harh...?

Do you own a GPS?: what's that again.. i can't remember... no i think.

How many speakers(any kind) a couple..

How many brushes do you own?: 3 hairbrushes, 1 toothbrush.

Do you go to parties to get drunk, hook up, or both?: neither. I don't like either.

What kind of cigarettes do you smoke?: i don't smoke.

What was your first cuss word spoken out loud?: It's probably Shit.

Screamed?: i don't know

Whispered?: i don't know...

Have you ever pierced your own ears/eyebrows/nose/tongue/belly button/etc?: no... sterility and professionalism are a factors to consider.

Are you a self-mutilator?: no... thank God.

The end. Haha. Agonising wasn't it?

Say i clever...! Say... say...say! Know why i clever..? Cause... hee hee hee. I drove back from town today! I know it's nothing great larh, but to me it's an achievement ok. Quite scary know, many many cars!! All bigger than me somemore! Made it back home in one piece! I didn't drive there though, Kiwi drove, good also, cause i'd prolly have trouble parking. Heh. Went to cine to watch 'House of Flying Daggers'. Not so nice, i give it 2 and a half stars out of 5. Sound system in cine is good, but it's freezing in there!! Fenny and i had to run to the toilet in the middle of the show, our bladders we shrinking! Esther didn't join us cause she was tired, and her boyfriend was nagging her to study. She's so obedient horh? hahaha. Then again, not everyone is as slack as me. Tests going on next week and still can go gallivanting. Chey.

I was rather upset today, cause the guy in the shop didn't want to sell me the carebear!!! The penguin one! It's so cute and purple! You have to buy it in a set of 4 for like 80 bucks! He just didn't want to sell me just the penguin alone even though he had 2! SELFISH! MEN! I was whining and whining and whining, and i think kiwi and fenny were about to slap me and tell me to shut up. But i really really wanted it. So i called my jie to whine, and she said i could buy the set of 4. So i was happy after that. Hee hee. But then i kinda lost the enthusiasm while i was shopping around with my kahkis and after a while, i decided that it was too extravagant and i didn't get it in the end, which is prolly a more sensible thing to do. Think kiwi was quite proud of me for not getting it. Haha.

I adopted 2 dwarf hamsters today. I haven't get them yet, but soon i think. Joel's friend got lobang and had 35 of the little rodents up for adoption, a few of my classmates adopted too! we're suddenly all so into furry little things. Barry brought his $150 flat tail gerbil today! It's soooooo cute!!! It's a ball of poof! It's really really sweet. I want one too!!! Serious, i never liked rodents, but i'm starting to appreciate them more now. They can be very sweet when they're not poo-ing and peeing and biting. Barry's really weird, he has this really DISGUSTING tarantula as a PET (it's illegal by the way) and an adorable gerbil. Weirdo know. But he's a nice guy larh. Just keep that spider away from me. Yee. Lennart is another weirdo. He keeps the skin of the mice in his wallet! Gross! The ears are still on. Gross huh. He skinned them after we euthanased them and he kept the skin. Sick right?! People in my course are going crazy. As Dr Ren *beams* says, vets are usually alittle off their rockers. Oh oh! talk about Dr Ren, he spoke chinese today! Hahahahaha! So cute! I like!!! Then he was so proud when he told us he got a D7 for chinese. Haha. So cute and honest, and he was really very proud of himself. Hee hee.

YAY! Pa's home with hokkien mee!! EAT! There's O.C tonight. Catch it ok? FOOD!

*BURP* Scuse me. I just got back from my section bbq at downtown east. Did you know that you have to pay entry to go in now? What the hell?! What is the point of booking the darn chalet and inviting people when they have to pay to come in?! Ok, i know i'm being a stingy poker, cause it's only 1 dollar, but still?! I don't think they should charge entrance. It's a stupid policy. The chalets are so expensive already. Chey. Anyway, the bbq was nice, alittle awkward but nice. I met this senior who's name is ALSO Dawn, she's really slim and pretty. All of us that were there were trumpeters. Some of them still have the passion. Mine died after sec 4. Actually it was only a few of us, but we had good conversations. My senior dawn (she graduated when i entered), is a teacher, and she was saying how the kids these days are so horrid. Saying how sometimes she's so tempted to use the "F" word on them. Haha. But hearing all that was rather disheartening cause i wanna teach. She teaches in a primary school, hopefully secondary school kids are better?? Aiyah. Generally kids are bad larh. Oh! My butch senior turned straight!! Haha. I always thought she was one of those who would never turn straight. Well, well. She was cool as a butch, but she's a decent looking girl too. Quite bad to say it like that, but you know what i mean. Lar dee darrr... the food was good. I just sat there and talked to my seniors and the food was served to me. Cool huh. Haha. Felt so carnivorous. All the meats. Well, protein is better than carbo. But i didn't stay long larh. Afterall, i didn't know what to talk about, seem so young (young?!!!) and immature compared to them. Majority of them are working, the rest in NUS, graudating soon. What was i to say man?! But it was nice to see them larh. They don't look much different. Heh.

Anyway, dennis has broken my *ahem* code. I suppose he's not one of my best buds for nothing. Haha. My powerful 6th sense has diffused into him. Now, not only can he read me like a book (which is not always good), he can also crack my 'dawn language'. Got to pick up a new language soon. Haha. But it's ok, it's dennis, there's nothing he can't know about me... i think. Dennis... haiz. It's going to be a long way to december.

I bound my notes today! Ther're nice and neat now. I will study soon. No choice. Tests are up next week. quite scary actually. But i am going to do well this sem. REALLY going to try. Though i'm always feeling lazy and sleepy and tired, but when i get into the pace of studying, i really can wan ok. Must have faith in me. Not too much though. Don't wanna disappoint. Study... study.... study.... but sleepy larh.

Friday is coming, going for my last clique gathering in awhile. My bestest is flying off to NYC to study soon. Did you just hear my heart break? It did. Jac, you better email me every week! Giving me every single detail of what's happening. Must. It's going to be the 1st time in 16 years we're not going to be celebrating each other's birthday. So weird. Oh well. Just make the most of the time that's left larh and hold on tight till the next time. I'll prolly be on attachment in the zoo or some smelly, dirty animal facility, as appealing as it sounds, i'll be anticipating your return home!

K, i'm getting RATHER sleepy. I think i will migrate to the pillows now. But i will bring my notes with me, they're sleep inducing. Maybe if i read Dr Ren's notes before i sleep i'll dream of him! *pao smile* hee hee. OK. I better stop it or dennis will say that i'm "loose" again. It wasn't me ok... it was joel! He's the one that's flirting shamelessly alright... not me. I see only. Haha. Oh, i should mention that Kiwi was being such a gem today, he helped me carry my bag cause it was heavy. So nice right? Hahaha. I was telling him that it's gender responsibility. Haha. It is what... but nonetheless, it was a really sweet gesture. Not many would do the same. Thanks kiwi! Okok.. better go now.. getting late. Night all!

I've been thinking, about this guy. Ok, by admitting it, i've put my heart in the blender again urging someone to push the start button. That is if my heart can still be blended, it's happened so many times. The more i think about it, the more i like him, but then right, the feeeeelling isn't correct at this point of time. Of course this is all one sided cause i don't know what he's thinking, therefore in such circumstances, it's good not to think and feel so much. Just hope something good will come out, if not, just stay friends. Don't want another alden to happen. Don't think i can go through with it again, and i don't want to be tested again. May he never out i'm harbouring thoughts. If there's one thing i've learnt, it's not to put too much of yourself into one person, you end up very hurt and very disappointed. Don't want.

Had a pretty short day in school today. Started at 9 and ended at 1. Next week's term test. Sian. I got to start studying. Must find all my notes and bind them all up nice nice. Got to buy highlighters too. 2 colours don't seem to be enough for the many words i need to highlight. After school i went to run my errands and i drove esther and lennart down to bedok to have lunch together. School food is such a turn off i tell you. But tomorrow i have no friend to have lunch with, cause esther has to take her test during the incubation time, can only imagine how long incubation will be. SIAN! No friend! Maybe i'll go and disturb ali and ask him to eat with me. But i think he'll go with his gf. So sweet, everytime he got time, he'll go look for his gf.  Tuesday's are really boring.

After i finished luch, i was supposed to go down to nat's place to hang out. By the time i sent esther and lennart back, it was rather late, and by the time i reach her place, she'll have to go out again soon, so no point larh. came home, plopped myself on the bed and fell right asleep. In my pink ralph lauren polo and my miss sixty pants. See how tired i am? Slept for awhile then kiwi called to ask if i wanted to go down to esther's place to help them dye their hair, so i told him to call me again later to see if i'm up to it. When he called back, i was still sleeping. I wasn't going to be driving and esther's house is not very easy to go from my house by public, simei is quite out of the way. So i didn't go. I was really prepared to wake up to go.. really, but transport is a factor see. But since i didn't, i went back to sleep.

Have to go for section bbq tomorrow. Kinda excited, kinda reluctant. Scared it'f be awkward. All my seniors, a few generations. I'll just go larh, people so nice to ask me right? Who knows, it might be fun! I'll let you know how it goes. Hmm. For now, i'll go and watch tv!!! Think tv is my life these days. My life is dull. I won't think too much. I'll try not to.

*Blow's nose* *sniff sniff* *cough cough* *gives a really pathetic face* *blink blink* I'm suffering from an allergic reaction. Allergic to what? I don't know. It just SUDDENLY happened. My eyes are itchy and watery (and are now painful cause i rubbed them), my nose is blowing and my throat is itchy. Feel really horrid. I need anti- histamines. Think i'm allergic to work. I actually need to do my very LAST MIN surgical report, but i decided to watch tv 1st. I came home today and watched vcd and i was fine, i ate my dinner in front of the tv and i was fine. Just when the show was ending and i needed to go and do my work, the allergy starts. I'm certain i'm allergic to work. *blow nose* Such a yeeky feeling. Still have to do work. Sian. It's Dr Ren's subject, don't think my piece of work is going to impress him very much again. No fate with doing his work larh. I think i don't need to sleep already tonight, going to take a long while with the report. I'm such a tv junkie.

Dennis is on the plane back to melbourne right this moment. I didn't see him off at the airport, but i did see him for awhile at parkway before he left. Going to miss that fella, just hope he takes care of himself. Know he's thinking the same thing for me cause he's scared i'll go all balistic. Hah. I don't think i will larh. But no promises. Haha.

Sunday school today was nice. The kids were good. Always feel this sense of satisfaction and bliss after sunday school. Makes waking up early all worth while. Just seeing them smile when they see you lifts your spirits beyond the clouds. They're great. Szeling and i *blow nose* *sniff* registered for blood donation next sunday. We had to fill in this form with our particulars. Had to fill in our weight. DAMN IT. Felt sooooooo low after that. Shit. Been brought back to earth from my world of denial. OK larh. I have never denied it. I'm fat larh. Just don't like the numbers on the scale can. Sickening. Yarh. Say fat, then lunch still eat so much. Whole life only know how to say right dawn. WHOLE LIFE. Chey. After lunch, ling went home and i think went to meet lewei, shop, jp and gawain to eat crab. Know the one near joo seng road? It's SUPER YUMMY! I also want to eat. Haha. FAT. Bet it tasted really good. *blow nose*

Went out with Kiwi yesterday. It was nice. Comfortable and familiar. Had a really good time. Cool. He bought yummy chocolates from his friend, and this really gigantic sunflower which i carried for him, he thinks guys look stupid carrying flowers. Haha. I don't really like sunflowers, i don't know why. Not appealing. Was wearing my heels! Haha. Finally can wear them out and not get whacked for being too tall. Haha. Kiwi's really tall, so i think i can wear like 4 inch heels and he'll still be taller. Probablly break my ankles and back wearing 4 inch heels anyway.  Heh. Went down to bedok together cause i had to go to popo's house. Had to eat the laksa. Was sooo turned off by the dao gay, didn't feel like eating it though it was rather nice.  Oh oh! i cut my hair too! Not much difference, just thinner and shorter fringe. Got conned. 30 bucks!!! What man?! turns out it was a director's cut. Shit. Cheat me. But aiyarh. cut already, what to do right? Kiwi and ling says it's nice. You think?

Papa decided we should go for a car ride to my mum's office to get something, so we were sitting in my dad's mini and driving along the express way. We were going at like 100 over km/h. It was super energizing. I think i like fast cars. Haha. The feeling when i'm in my dad's car and when i'm in my car is TOTALLY different. My dad's engine is super charged, my car is erm... not. Heh. Hey hey, i don't speed alright. I'm a very law abiding driver, except when i'm late for school. Ok, that's not really true, but i don't drive dangerously. That's the most important.  Anyway, when i came home, i sat down and watched the show Honey with my jie. Jessica Alba is so pretty! I love to watch dancing shows. Gets you all hyped up. They always have really good sound tracks. Hip hop is soooo cool. Man, i so felt like clubbing after the show. Haha. But i can't dance for nuts. Look like a chicken. But when the beat is in you, you don't really care if you look like a chicken or not, or maybe you just have to be drunk enough. Haha.

Ok, i think i will have to go and do my report now. I'm feeling sleepy *blow nose* and ill. So if i don't start now, i'll never finish. Special thanks to Ali for sending me the your report for my professional copying skills. I will buy milo for you tomorrow. Heh. To my clique: Outing on friday night. Don't forget. Szeling: I hope you find your keys, please take care. Jac: good luck for your driving test tomorrow! To everyone else: GOODNIGHT!

Sorry all for the lack of update. Been too caught up in my sad, screwed, dull, monotonous life. Been a long week, at least that's how it feels. Feel drained of all the energy in my system, then again it could be because i just generally don't have alot. heh.

Dinner with gerald and jie on monday was really fun! Gerald is so nice. He's smart and has an EXCELLENT sense of humour. Not the lame and 'duh' kinda humour, but the intelligent kind of humour. It makes you feel less stupid talking to him. Though i was actually REALLY pissed off due to various reasons, i still had a great time. Thank goodness for people like my jie and gerald.

I don't remember doing anything in school on tuesday, my spirit must have been away on holiday leaving my body and mind to rot in a shithole known as Temasek Polytechnic, School of Applied Science. Geez. Was completely zonked out after school, but i had to go and meet Nat and jie and Colin for the premiere of I, Robot. GOOD SHOW! One of the best i've watched in a long time!! I wouldn't mind watching it again. Excellent. Thank goodness it was good, or i'd have really been pissed. I had a test on thursday which i had planned on studying, but the show was worth it. It had better be. Sent Nat home form town, nothing bad happened this time. See nat, you're not a jinx to my car, so stop talking nonsense. After that, came home and studied alittle for my tutorial quiz while waiting for szeling to come over to sleep. Her parents are in perth and i don't feel safe having her alone at home, so i asked her over to stay. She came at about 11.30. I was shit tired. Know how i go all cranky when i'm tired? Yeh, those who know me well would know that i'm not the nicest person to talk to when i'm tired. Anyway, we mananged to talk out the wedge we had. Things are better now i guess. All she has to know is that i will always love her come what may. God blessed me so richly by giving me my special few. She's one of them. Can't function without her. Well, being too dependent ain't good either. AIYAH. Everything's better now, that's all that matters.

I woke up ealry on wednesday so that i could fetch ling to school, but just as i was about to open the door to go out, i realised i didn't have the car! Colin wasn't over with it yet. STUPID me. So ling had to take a cab to school. Lucky cabs are easy to get ard my place. Had lab till 6 on wednesday. After that, i sent my night Kahki's home and went home to prepare to go to Kiwi's place to STUDY. Got test know. I drove over to kiwi's, reached at like 8.15. Started to study at about 8.45, all the way until.......... 1.30am!!! I can't believe it either. I was so super cranky cause i just couldn't get anything done right. I study and study until i got confused with all the facts! Therefore at 1.30, i gave up, sent Esther and Fenny home cause they also gave up. By the tiime reach home, almost 2am. Test at 8am the next morning!!! ARGH!!!! Quick go and sleep!!

Woke up feeling really shit on thursday morning. Only slept a couple of hours and had to go school for the darn 8am genetics test. Went to fetch Kiwi and Fenny to school. Esther had taken ill. So poor thing, study until so late but never go for test. Test was really shit. Don't know how to do. Should have just gone home at 10 from kiwi's the night before. Kiwi literally turned over and told me the answer to the test question, but the facts did not flow from my head, therefore i still don't know how to do. Stupid right? Stupid. Was soooooo sleepy on thursday. But Surgical lab was fun!! We were using the ECG machine as a lie detector machine. Asking really Paiseh questions and see the change in heartbeat. Haha. It was all quite funny. Oh oh!!! Dr ren put his arm around joel!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Esther wasn't around for me to cring to. Joel was just basking in the rarity. SHIT!!!! Aiyah. Nvm. I just like to look at Dr ren. He's too boring for me. He just looks good. Hee hee hee. Went for facial after school. Spent a BOMB. That's how rotten my face is. Don't ask me how much. I'm not telling. Disgusting. At least i have neat eyebrows now. Haha. After that, went down to bugis to meet Jac for dinner. I was standing at the control station for like 45 mins waiting for her, but she didn't turn up, and i couldn't contact her. So i decided to call Kiwi and ask him to meet me for dinner cause i was revaneous. I went back down to Tampines to meet him. Then as i was on they way back to tampines, Jac called to explain and apologise. I think she was really feeling guilty. She decided to make up for it by coming all the way down to tampines and buy me dinner. Silly girl. I wasn't even angry. She met Kiwi and my Kahkis. Haha. They're a cool bunch. Went home to catch O.C. Was so tired. Chatting with Ling and dennis on the way home, he was at her place. Was soooooo tired i don't know what i was talking about. I don't even remember what i said. Tired larh. After O.C. I did my Bpharm tut until about 2, then i went to sleep. Fell right into dreamland once my head touched the pillows. Was DEAD tired.

Didn't wake up for morning lecture today. Needed the slumber. Wore a skirt to school today, the one i just bought. Got suaned. Think everyone else is allowed to wear skirts except me. Haha. Nvm. Once in a loooooonnnnng time. Oh. I got whacked in the face by Dr ren's stress ball today. In the face. He was aiming it at Lennart. Obviously he doesn't aim too well. Bam! Into my face. Lucky it was squishy. Or i'd have a broken nose by now. Then Dr ren came over to say sorry.. and he looked so sorry and apologetic! So cute! *beams!* Hee hee hee. He cancelled most of our lessons next week so we'll have time to rest and study... he's so nice right??? Right. Hee hee hee. Anyway. Met Yuhang for dinner today and billy bomber's. NICE. But the servings are so huge i took 1.5hrs not even finishing my food! But it's good. The shakes are EXCELLENT!!! Yummy! Prolly the best shakes in singapore. *slurp* Was so nice catching up. Yuhang's a good buddy. He was the 1st to know i passed my driving.. cause he was there for me!!! One of the good things that came out of VS. Heh. woo... tired. Really. Been so tired lately. Maybe cause i've been unhappy. Then again, i haven't been happy in a while. Life gets to me.

Going out with Kiwi tomorrow to go shopping for some stuff he needs. Ling and Wynn are going to the swim shady's charity thingy at zouk with dennis. I'm not going. It'd be akward. mmz. Dennis is leaving on sunday. Hope i get to see him before he leaves. It'll be a long while after that when i see him again. Jac's leaving soon too. SHIT. Haiyah. Better go and sleep before i start talking rubbish again. An unhappy, tired, broke, fat and ugly person doesn't talk straight. Heh. OK. Night all. Congrats for reading up till here. *smoooooccccch.*

Disappointment. That what people are, they're disappointments. I am one big disappointment too. I think i'm ready to walk away. Are you ready to let me go? Maybe i wasn't even significant in the 1st place. If it doesn't matter to you, don't make it matter to me. If i don't matter to you, don't make it out that i do. Ah. Fuck it. What's the point. Big mistake. My mistake. You're better off without me anyway.

 I'm having monday blues again. This is going to be a truely agonising week, i have a test on Thursday MORNING at 8AM!!! Number one, i have NOT gone for a single 8am lecture since school started. That would be about 4 weeks. Number two, it's a recombinant technology quiz!!! ARGHHHHH!!!! *pulls hair + plus super agonized face* You're probably wondering why i'm so agonized. Well. It's genetics. I CANNOT DO GENETICS. I have absolutely no mind for it. Been taking it for 3 sems already, and up till now, i have no idea what's going on!!! HOW?! It's too much understanding to do, too concept based. I cannot cannot cannot understand it. Never could. Don't know how i study for exams also, must be all the help donnavan gives me at the last min. Yee eeerrr... hate genetics. How am i going to pass this paper. Shit.
 
Anyway, weekend weekend. I had a good long sleep on friday night. Woke up at 12pm on saturday. Felt soooo good to sleep in. After i finished my dallying, i walked over to eastpoint to, 1, make an appointment for facial (my face is rotting), 2, go for a mani and pedicure. One word to describe it, SHIOK! You just sit there, completely relaxed, and the manicurist is just doing your nails for you. It's pure relaxation man! Haven't gone for a manicure in years! I think i'm going to go more often. Stress relief. Haha.  Sat there for like 1 and and half hours, then went to Millenia for dinner with my papa and my lil sis. They have pretty good food there. Just that it's quite out of the way. I think i quite persuaded my dad to get a digital cam. So now i'm just waiting..... good things come to those who are patient ya know. hahaha. Hmm. I was actually supposed to go down to Nat's work place to visit her. She was working at Hermes know. Cool right??? So high class. But by the time i ready to go, it was too late, and the shop was about to close already. Sorry Nat.
 
Today was nice. I got to spend quality time with my dearest Szeling today. I know you people think that i talk to her alot and see her all the time, but that's really not true. We hardly talk these days and seldom see each other. Even if we do, it's not usually for long. So it was really nice to spend time together to do frivolous things. Like what we used to. =) Really missed it, had a really good time.
 
I was actually reaching church this morning already, when she called and said she was not feeling like going cause she's feeling like crap. So we ended up not going and went shopping. It's really bad, i know, but i wanted to be there for her.  I went to get her this nice and squishy eeyore, so she can hug it everynight and squish it when she's sad. Sorry dear, Patrick's are rather hard to find here in Singapore. After that we went shopping, and i bought some stila stuff. Okok, don't nag, i couldn't resist it! They were so nice!!! Don't ask me how many lips i have ok, i have 2, but they're 7 days in a week alright! heh. Was supposed to check out this mango skirt for Nat, so i did, went to 3 mango's but they didn't have it. Ended up getting a green skirt for myself. It's been years since i bought a skirt. So it's something different. Haha. It's short and lime green. Just something casual.
 
After walking around town, i felt like buying shoes, so we went down to city hall to check out VNC. They have nice heels... but why would i buy heels right? No one will want to stand next to me if i wore heels. Therefore my heels are reserved for rare occasions. Saw this pair of flat patent shoes that were really nice. But they didn't have black in my size, i have enormous feet, and the green was just too much. Shit. No fate no fate. Been looking for a pair of flate pumps for the longest time. Can't seem too find nice casual ones. hmm. After my futile shoe hunt, we pottered down to raffles city to walk around, ended up at the supermarket and we bought food. I love walking around supermarkets, don't know why. Makes me feel happy. Hahaha. Must be the fact that i'm surrounded by food! hee hee hee. But i was really tired after that and szeling had to go and meet her friend. I really admire her man, she was walking around in 2 inch heels the whole day, and the day wasn't even over for her. I was in slippers and my legs were aching. Eh eh. In my own defense, i went jogging on wednesday, hence resulting in leg ache ok.
 
Took a train home. Was feeling guilty for spending so much money in such a short time. When i got home, for some WERID (and i do mean weird) reason, i wanted to go jogging. Don't give me that face ok. Maybe i just needed to think. Got changed, and started my jog to the expo. Guess my legs weren't recovered from the previous jog and today's shopping, my muscles were threatening to tear if i don't stop. So i only managed to jog to the expo, had to walk back. Man am i unfit or what?! In my own defense again, expo is not that near to my house to jog ok! Oh well, my legs are painful now. Think it'll be worse tomorrow. Crap.
 
Know what, i think i had better go and study abit now, scared for my test on thursday. I'm meeting Gerald for dinner tomorrow, together with my jie. Cool! Can't wait. I miss him!! I miss nat and jac too!!!!! Alrighty then. I'm going to try and hit my books. See ya! 
 
 

Know i actually typed this really long and detailed blog entry this afternoon, but i lost it cause my server was cocked up. So annoying. Will just have to start over. Geez. As i was saying.....
 
Woke up grouchy today. Can't really balme me, slept really little, not confident of my test, assignment was sloppy, tutorial not done, couldn't think of anything to wear, no money. See. I had every reason to feel grouchy. I know you're going to scold me and say that i shouldn't have been out so late when i have so many things to do right? True. But between doing work and hanging out with 2 of my dearest friends, there really isn't much to think about. Heh. Well. I managed to get my lazy butt out of bed and off to school. Since i had so many things on my mind, i was being quite a rude driver this morning. Must have caught it from all those taxi drivers i swear at when i'm driving. They're a bad influence ok. Don't ever drive like me when you're taking the test, you'll probably get like 100 points or something. Not something to be proud of. Managed to get to school in time for the test. It was one of those vomit papers i detest. Alden's favourite kind of paper. Bet he'll score like full marks, even if he completed it with his eyes closed. Why can't i have the same capacity as him?! Don't know how he can handle all his activities and still do so well. Then again, maybe i'm really too slack. *shrugz* Oh yes, i forgot to bring my wallet today. So stupid. Had to borrow money from Fenny. I hate to borrow money, cause it makes me feel bad if i take awhile to return. Those who know me will know that i seldom borrow money. If i do, i must really be desperate. School food sucks. I want my canteen back. Walking to other canteens are too time consuming and the food just sucks.
 
Had 3 hours of Dr Ren * pao face smile* today. Hee hee hee. Today he was just telling us that studying is not everything, that we should apprecite the quality of our lives and not always be comparing "my ballet better than your ballet". Haha. Wise words from a wise man. He's not only wise, he's handsome, and rich, and handsome, and rich, and handsome, and rich, and handsome. *dreamy look* Joel's being a slut. He's been shamelessly flirting with Dr Ren. So annoying, just looking at it makes me sick. I don't think Dr Ren knows that Joel's gay, if he did, i would think he'd be highly uncomfortable. Joel's just throwing himself at Dr Ren. CANNOT!!!! MINE!! He's really gorgeous. I know jac's giving me a really skeptical look right now, but it's true. Really really. He does not look like the usual template ok. Really. Anyway anyway *beams*, Dr Ren proposed that my class adopt baby turtles in Bali. So sweet right? Right. He was talking to us about conservation, and encouraged us to adopt turtles. So we're going to do so. Esther's our "turtle rep". Haha. She's proud of it. She's going to be collecting the funds for our turtles. Hee hee. Dr Ren's so nice.... haiz....found out that he isn't married!!!!! Haha! YAY! Think Joel was the happiest to know that. Sorry Jo, i don't think Dr Ren's gay. Man, i was like telling Esther every 10 mins that Dr Ren's really cute. I think as much as she thinks so too, she's sick of it. Haha. Sorry babe, you've got to let me say, otherwise i'll burst. But my assignment for him was really poorly done. Not going to impress him. Shit. That's what you get for last min work. You don't get to impress the cute lecturer. Really wanna hook him! What a catch! Know he brought in a blow dart to class today, cool stuff!! He's so understanding too. He knew we were tired so he gave us an easy time with tutorial and lectures. *dreamy look* Ok. I better shut up now, dennis is about to slap me, he doesn't think Dr Ren is cute. Hmm. He is.... he is... really. haha
 
Anyway, for those of you who are dying to watch King Arthur, i'm sorry to be a wet blanket, but i have to say this, it's very not nice. It's like LOTR without the plot. It's just the fighting and the people who look like they haven't bathed for 10 years, dirty dirty, hairy hairy wan. Yee. Not nice. They fight fight fight, but through out the whole show, i don't know what exactly they're fighting for. All i can hear is "freedom!!!!" and a VERY warped image of Christianity and God was potrayed. It's not a good show. Really. Was so disappointed. Dennis didn't think it was very good either. We watched it together. Poor boy was so sick. Felt so rotten for asking him out. He should have stayed home to rest. After the show, he still accompanied szeling and i for dinner at parkway. Just went to eat and go home. Had work to do see. When i came home, i studyed alittle then i watched The O.C. It's the best show on TV i tell you. It's excellent! Nice fashion, pretty good faces, and it's got a good storyline. Just that sometimes i'm too tired to catch it. I'm always tired. Don't know why.
 
I just watched nip/ tuck. It teaches really wrong values, but i still like to watch. I'm such a tv junkie. Just like to veg out on the couch and watch good shows. There're good movies out next week too. I'm going to try to catch them. Next week.... dennis will be leaving next week. Going to have one less friend again, and suffer from post dennis symptoms again, going to get cranky from missing him again. It's a vicious cycle. Hate it. I can't deal with loss. Talk about leaving, Jac's leaving really soon too. Shit. I hope i make it to the airport to send her off. I'll miss her like anything!!!!! Only she'll know how much i'll miss her. I don't deal too well with distance. I don't deal too well with alot of things.
 
Ok. I think i will have to sleep now. I'm aching. I went jogging on wednesday! I did i did!! Are you proud of me??? I'm proud of myself. Hey, 1st time jogging since sec 4 ya know. It's quite a feat. My heart didn't collapse. That's a good sign. Will have to build up my fitness again. Quite embarassing to fail NAPHA. Used to be so fit. But always cannot do sit and reach and incline. Oh well. Kay. Sleep time. If anyone wants to go out, just call me yarh? Goodnight all. Pleasant dreams.

I'm confused. He looked good today (minus the part where he didn't shave). He was in the outfit i so love him in. He was wearing checks and JEANS and his orange shoes. When i saw him this morning, my stomach gave a small lurch. I am only allowed to look at him from the corner of my eye, never allowed to talk to him when there are others around. School seperates us, each to one end of the pole, repelling each other as much as possible. He stood up infront of the class to give his presentation. Confident and composed, he engaged the class in his presentation on what kind of language should be used to write a formal letter. I know you're thinking "so who cares about that", honestly, i don't know, but everyone was quiet and listening to him. He spoke clearly, making a funny statement once in a while. I was completely capitvated. I found myself smiling to myself and staring at his tall frame in front of me. Quickly, i shifted my gaze to the screen instead. I did NOT want to be caught looking at him like that. When he finished, i felt so proud. So proud that he did such a good job, so proud to have him in my life. Then i realised, i didn't have him in my life and my heart sank. I remembered why i was so attracted to him, he was something special, no matter how much of a twerp and bastard he is most of the time, he's something special. He's not the most handsome guy on earth but girls flock to him like bees to honey. Don't laugh. It's true. He's got a field of choice. Well. He didn't choose me. I'm not sore about it, but everytime i think about it, my self esteem drops to zero. Feel like i'm just not good enough. He's so smart and hardworking and atheletic and his physique is wooo hooo! Too bad he has low EQ. He treats me badly, i know he does. That's the thing with girls yarh? Always wanting things that we cannot have. Or maybe that's just me. I never seem to get what i want. He didn't even want to talk to me in lab, just shoved me aside. There he was playing with Ruth and Fiona, talking and laughing, but somehow when i'm there, the atmosphere stiffens. I'm not being sensitive. It's true. Why is it so cold? Why is he so cold? The song "Something Stupid" comes to mind. I spoilt it all.

I'm confused. I don't know what i'm thinking or what i'm feeling. All i know is that everyday i live for the moment that i'll be given his attention, that hasn't happened so far. I smile to myself when i see him laughing or having fun. But i don't feel a thing. What is going on? I feel so "bound" to him. My mind and heart are screaming merdeka. Detachment. I need to learn to detach. It'll be 2 and a half years soon. Change of song now, "Ghost of You" BB Mac. ARGH!

Lets see. What have i managed to acheive over the end of the last week. Hmm. I'm managed to feel like a COMPLETE shit. REALLY.

FRIDAY: Was in the FOUL-EST of foul moods. Just felt like a rotten egg. After school was over, i came home to sulk and hide under my blanket. I was even more upset cause the chocolates i made couldn't come out of the bowl! I put alot of heart into making the chocolate. At least they taste good. Oh well. Try again next time. I was sulking under my blanket when dennis called. He decided that i was cranky and decided to drive over from jurong to chat. I kinda told him not to come cause he was shit tired and i knew what my mouth is like when i'm upset. He came over anyway. We had one of those chats that really really digs deep into the heart and pulls out deep feelings and shoots them out of your mouth. Then i realised that i was probably a jerk cause i probably had no right to say what i did. Even made him doubt how much i loved him. He's probably not going to want to talk to me anymore, and i can't blame him cause i was being an asshole. Have been very much affected by it the past few days. I don't want anything between us to change or go sour. But i guess it's not my choice to make. This has once again made me feel like a bad person and friend. I'm such a sucker.

SATURDAY: Spent most of the day slugging around at home and feeling shit about myself. Then got all dressed up and went to my popo's house for dinner. Yummy food! The it was off to Balaclava to chill with ling and wynn. It was full of my old church friends from like SUNDAY SCHOOL?! Yeh, they came to support Chris who was in the band, and it was also one of their church friend's birthday. Had trouble getting in at 1st cause the age limit is 25 and above. WHY?! But i got in in the end. The ambience was nice and cozy. The band was good, many eye canies! The singer was sooooooo cute. Ling, wynn and i had our pao faced smiles plastered on our stupid faces. Think we looked quite retarded. I was still feeling rotten at that point and well, probably wasn't myself. After Balaclava, we hopped down to zouk, but it was soooooooo boring. Bad music bad crowd. Szeling got hit on my this cheezy fella. It was quite funny. But just shows how attractive she is. We were there for like 30 mins then we left. Didn't even claim our drinks, paid 23 bucks for entrance somemore. Shit man. Wynn was driving, she was reversing to make a 3 point turn, then we heard a bang. OOPS! RUN!!!!! We crashed slightly into the car behind!! OH NO! Wynn got down to check it out, but in any case, we decided to RUN!!!! Hahaha. It's really quite funny. Probably alittle lack of righteousness, but honestly, that's prolly what i'd do. Ended up alittle lost after that, but ended up in sempang for prata. Had a good time listening to the conversations that were going on, but had things on my mind. So i was alittle less vocal i suppose. Got home at 3.15am i think, waited for szeling to msg me telling me that she was home until like 4.30... but the msg didn't come. Then i realised that i forgot to tell her and wynn to msg me when they got home. STUPID. Slept a couple of hours and got up for church. Oh! prolly should mention i met my old conductor at balaclava!! The post is back to haunt me. haha. Thinking of my purple lips.

SUNDAY: Went to church at last! Been like a month i think. Sheena came too! Cool. Think something about church that day spoke to her. I'm glad. Couldn't concentrate during sermon, was smsing-talking to szeling. Was still having thoughts in my brain. Oh well. Went shopping after church. Bought Aileen a new wallet. Decided that i wanted to do something nice for her. Went to visit wynn at her workplace. She wasn't too talkative, so we left pretty quick. My CAMPER shoe completely gave way. Szeling says it's time to lose weight. Hahaha. HEY! i've had it for years ok... wear and tear alright? WEAR AND TEAR! Szeling was just laughing and laughing. Have to admit, it was funny. Took a cab home with Ling. She just came over to play with russell and nua. We had a good time nua-ing. Then she had to go home, wait for her parents to come home. She looked so nice. Was wearing this plaited skirt and a tee. Nice..... what am i saying? She always looks nice.

Monday (today): Woke up to go to school. Was in a world of my own. Had a 4 hour break. Was feeling emotional, so esther and i went to have sakae for lunch, and all that weight i lost came all back today. Now i have to start all over. When i'm emotional, take all the food away man! I bought muah chee for dennis, cause i know he wanted to have some. Woke him up a couple of times and drove down to his place to pass it to him. I drove ok... really. REALLY. Ask esther or dennis. I did. Hung around his place looking at my ugly self in the photos he has. Esther was browsing through them with me. After that, we had to go back to school for Dr Ren's 3 hour lecture. So i drove back.. WITHOUT getting lost or crashing into anything. I actually bought food for Alden. When in gave it to him in school, he didn't even stop to talk to me, just continued walking when i was talking. Then he didn't want the stuff. He didn't even bother looking at me. FINE. In case you don't realise, it's a very mean thing to do. I mean someone buys you something, even if you don't want it, TAKE IT RIGHT?! Hurt my felings. So you can imagine how i was feeling on top of everything else. I felt as though someone had slapped me across my face. It was so embarassing and hurtful. Stupid idiot. It was PURELY PLATONIC! Maybe the stupid idiot is me. Therefore i came home and ate again. See larh! Fat! Why do i always subject myself to such things. Stupid know.

Talk about fat. Szeling went jogging with dennis just now. I should start engaging myself in such activities soon. Been too much of a bum lately. Think they're going for supper with wynn later. Wonder where all the energy comes from. Guess the exercise is rejuvinating. I'm beat already. I've got a non stop day tomorrow. Tuesdays are bad for me. Think i have a presentation tomorrow for CSAS. Impromtu again i guess. Got to look for my lab coat. alrighty. Till next time. See ya.

My hands smell of death. I did the dissection of the dog today. What got to me the most really was the SMELL. It was really really unpleasant. Combine the smell of a dirty wet dog and the smell of raw meat together, that's exactly how it smelt. It was nauseating. I was wearing double gloves but my hands still smell. Gross. It was not a nice experience at all, but you've got to do it to learn. It's really not as hard as it looks.

I've got to admit that i felt sick to the stomach when Dr Ren was doing the demostration, but when my group did it, i didn't feel too ill. Don't ask me if i feel guilty, i don't want to think about it. What we did was to cut the adominal area to expose the internal organs. You'll be amazed by how many things can squeeze into a tiny cavity and still manage to function, God is great. We took out the organs one by one, starting with the spleen which was the most easily removed, the others involved alot of cutting and tweezing. I won't go into too much detail, people will freak out. One thing that was particularly heartbreaking was discovering that one of the cats was actually pregnant with 3 feteus' in the uterus. It's only a few weeks pregnant, so we only discovered it after cutting it up, i saw the feteus', it was sad. Really. 4 lives all at once. Such a sacrifice for the world of science. Well, i was the one who cut open the dog's testicles and penis. The testicles lay inside an entire series of "sacs", so girls, next time, kick harder! I'm pretty good with the scaple. So guys, don't ever offend me, i'm jolly well capable of removing your balls. I did a pretty good job. If i may still add, we sawed off the dog's head too. Literally, we beheaded it. Then we removed it's eye to take a look. Yeh, we did lots of cruel and greusome stuff in the tiny, claustraphobic lab today. At least be respectful about it right? Even though the animals are dead, we still should respect them. I was completely APPALLED at some of my course mates. They were playing with the blood and all. It's sick i tell you. Really. Making crude jokes about all that was going on. The dead should always be respected. ALWAYS. Horrible lab session today. Very educational, but also very hard to get through. I still managed to eat after that, so yeh, i got through it. Grossed out yet? Welcome to Dawn's school life.

Anyway, the week has been rushed. Monday especially. Met Nat and Sheena to go to the irish pub just to have some drinks and eat. Had to rush all the way from school. Lucky dennis was so nice as to fetch me from home. He even reached my house before i did. Geez. After that, i met up with Ling and dennis again and they came over to have some drinks. We were just talking and talking, well, actually, i wasn't really talking, i was doing alot more listening and thinking. I was really tired too. Couldn't help it, long day. We ended up talking until about 3? Then they left and went for supper near their place. That night evoked MANY thoughts and feelings which i will have to deal with. I'm working on it.

I was amazed i made it on time for class tuesday morning considering how tired i was on monday, too many late nights in a row. But the tiredness eventually set in and i skipped my last 2 lectures to come home and rest. Before going home, i accompanied szeling for awhile before her class. Sent her back to school and then came home to slug around. I always enjoy slugging around. heh. Slept early. was feeling really drained. Chey. Haven't done anything constructive and feeling drained already. What is this man.

Since i slept early on tuesday, i got through wednesday quite ok. There was no lab, so i got to go home early. I ended up going swimming. Man. I'm soooooo unfit now. I did like 20 laps and i was feeling ache already! How to pass napha like that?! But in my own defense, i haven't exercised in yonks, so considering my heart didn't collapse, it's a pretty good thing. But 20 laps is pathetic. I used to be so fit! This whole slacker thing is really getting to me. Was feeling really bored in the evening and was talking to Nat online, so i ended up at her house, we just watched tv and had prata, chat alittle and then i got chased home cause i had to go to school for 8am class, which i didn't go for. I was too tired, didn't want to wake up. See, by the time i got home and slept, it was late already. Tired larh.

Yeh, that kinda sums up my week so far. Been a rushed week. It's going to pick up pace soon. I'm already lagging. What is wrong with me. Everything seems to be going haywire in my "system". Shit.

I've had many sleepless nights, restless tossing and turning, complete mental exhaustion, all these results in my grumpiness in the day. I feel like i hardly get to rest for rest is more tiring than activity itself. Everynight when i lay down alone on my bed, my mind starts to drift, thinking about so many people, so many issues, so much hurt. When i finally get to sleep and drift into the land of dreams, i always wake up from them feeling insecure. My dreams always involve people leaving me. The loneliness at that exact waking moment hits and takes over like a heatwave. I completely lose myself at that moment. Wondering who'd be the next person to take the next stab at my heart, and i worry that it will be the one's closest to me. All these thoughts and feelings are completely irrational. I know there are so many people who love me and care for me. Yet, i'm often plagued by dementors. They suck out my soul little by little, leaving me with less and less happy memories, filling me with fear, worry, anxiety and loneliness. I feel broken. As i've learnt, behaviour influences behaviour, this is known to be true, i'm in a masquerade. Hiding myself from others, never leaving my room, never letting anyone in further into my "realm", seeking shelter in my freedom, sinking into a world of scars and a bandage wrapped heart. What happened to me? My sense of humour, my sense of compassion, my heart of love, my contagious laughter, the aura of my smile, it's all gone. I look into the mirror, radiance is gone, confidence is gone, smile is gone, all that's left is weariness and a broad slumped frame. Breathe in all the life that surrounds you, for life is fragile. I'm not afraid of death, i'm afraid of the process of it. I've lost someone so dear, i value everyone else to extreme. Don't hate me for it. Don't hate me for being difficult, don't hate me for being insecure, don't hate me from walking away. I'm fighting an internal battle which i cannot define, i need the tenderness of a kiss, an affectionate hug, a reassuring voice, comforting arms and a silent companion. I want my mummy. Mummy's not here. I want someone whom i love and loves me back, no one's there. Bring my love ones back to me, bring joy back to me, bring sleep back to me, bring me back to my friends, bring back the arms i flew so readily into, the conversations i took for granted, the unwavering support, the constant nurture, the unconditional love, the parental protection. Bring me back my mummy. It's so hard without her. I died together with her. Since then, nothing's been the same. Feelings have changed, thoughts have changed, character has changed. Please don't hate me for being selfish. I can't bear another loss. I'm sorry, an apology for all of you, i feel i owe it to you, for everything i've lost faith in.

Lots of spelling errors. Sorry! Excuse them. heh

GOSH! I'm so tired! I went to the zoo today. Went with my sunday school kids. Had to wake up early and reach church at 8.45am to catch the coach there. I stay in Simei and church is at Fort canning! I can't help but to be alittle late right??? I mean i was only 5mins late what... Szeling was late too! But she was still earlier than me. Heh. Ok, me and my excuses. I should have made a greater effort and woken up earlier and gone to church earlier.

The zoo was fun i have to admit. Though i was really kinda paranoid. Hey! zoonosis is no laughing matter alright! For those of you who don't know, Zoonosis is when disease is transmitted from animal to human. So don't go touching animals like they're the cleanest things on earth ok. Must remember to wash your hands! Dirty know. This vet science things are getting to me. Anyway, we walked around alot, took a couple of pictures. They're AWFUL! I look like i have a major skin problem or something. Then again, maybe i do. Yeee.. so ugly. I should go for facial sometime soon. My eyebrows look like a colony of ants wearing muddy boots walked on them. Need to get them trimmed. After the zoo, I went to collect my specs from plaza sing. The traffic is terrible. I am again remided why i will never drive to town. NEVER! It's too stressful. Then went down to bugis to walk around. Managed to pay my stupid parking ticket fine. Feeling darn broke now. Don't ask me to lend large amounts of money. I'm telling you now, i honestly don't have. Haha. Really larh. No joke. Finally managed to get myself home. Took a TRAIN. That's how broke i am. No money to take taxi.

Know huh, i'm typing this really bimbotically. I just polished my nails and they're not dry yet, so i'm finding it rather hard to type. Feeling hiao see. Don't know why also. These days i only go to school. *shrugz* Maybe i feel like my hands look too plain. Ah hah.

It's been a pretty interesting week for me. Lab this week was especially heart wrentching. I killed a mouse, as most would already know. Yeh, you guys will probably think it's really cruel. I don't deny that it's a terrible thing to do, but i can't afford to be too "feeling" about it, cause this is the nature of my study and i will be doing things like this in future. I'm probably going to have a lowered level of compassion after all these labs, but for me, it may not be all a bad thing. We'll be cutting up a dog and a cat this week in lab, if i get through it ok, i'll let you guys know how it goes.

Dr Ren is REALLY cute! I think i'm having a thing for him. Hee hee hee. I mean he drives a sexy car! It's a mazda coupe. He's tall and smart and handsome and rich! Yes, he's married. DANG IT! Esther and i were planning to hit on him. Haha. Ideal larh ideal. Turns out my Jie knows him. It's a small world yarh? She thinks he's really cute too. They went to the same uni larh. The only problem with him is that he seems very distant and aloof. Very unpersonal and formal. Oh well, no less eye candy! haha! I LIKE! See. School's so darn boring you start to oggle at married lecturers who drive sexy cars.

Dennis came to school on Wednesday and sat in for lecture with Ling. Think he was bored to bits. Haha. Can't blame. Went for dinner with the 2 of them and my night kahkis. Was feeling super cranked that day. Must be the mouse. Didn't feel too vocal during dinner i suppose. PLUS! I got fined for not putting parking coupon and dennis didn't kena! SHIT MAN! Bias! I object! Yeh whatever, i just paid my fine today. No energy to fight with them. Spoke to ling on the phone at night and sorted out the mess i got us into. Thank goodness. Love her too much to let anything get in the way of us. Then after i finished talking to her, i talked to dennis and he missed the soccer match because of me. NOT MY FAULT! I asked him to go and watch, but he say don't want. Really. Don't know how we talk, talk until almost 5am. Madness, guys usually don't have stamina to talk for so long. Haha. Ended up sleeping late.

Didn't go to school on thursday. Woke up early to meet Ling and Jamie for breakfast. Been such a long time since i saw Jamie (my old chem tutor). Didn't catch up much. He wanted me to "work" for him, so he was selling his concept to me. But i think i won't do it larh. I don't think it's as flawless as it seems. Plus i'm not too enthusiastic about it. Thus not likely to do a good job. Then i sent szeling to school for her lessons. After which i ended up driving back to school 2 hours later to accompany szeling and to pick up alden and selwin to go to TM to watch spiderman 2. I didn't think it was as excellent as most people say. Perhaps i was just in the wrong mood. Was kinda pissed off with 'him'. Then i sent him back to school for training after the movie. Super tired at the end of the day. Ended up missing OC again! Cannot miss this week.

Friday was probably the highlight of the week. Met the clique. Stayed over at sheena's place and went to chomp chomp to eat. It's so far from my place!!! But the food is good larh. Eat and eat and eat and eat. No need to be thin already larh... at this rate. *shakes head* Must be more disciplined man. Sheena's house was fun man! I was mixing drinks for us, ended up getting abit tipsy. Haha. Playing cards, and i was having a pretty good card day, won most of the rounds. Haha. Then when we got bored of playing cards, we ended up talking. Digging up everyone's dark and dirty secrets. Some of which were more surprising then others. But overall, i wasn't all too shocked. Sheena commented that among all of us, i'm actually the most "innocent". She says it like it's a bad thing. CHEY. I stayed up all night talking to Jac and Van. When it was 6.15am, we decided that we were feeling quite dead, so we went home. I slept all the way home in the cab. If the taxi driver drove me to sentosa and back, i wouldn't even know. Went home to sleep.

Slept for awhile, then i had to force myself to wake up. Alvin was bringing his friend over to try and fix my comp. That stupid piece of technology. It's has really crashed on me. I had really little sleep, and i forced myself to wake up, only to have alvin tell me he's going to be late! That's really not a nice thing to do. But how could i be mad at him, he was being so nice to come over to help me. His friend too. They both stay really far away, and his friend doesn't even know me! So nice right? Have to buy them dinner sometime. After that went to my popo's house. She made ba zhang! My popo's ba zhang is the best!!! Yummy! haha. Even colin enjoyed it. hee hee. Sent colin home after that.. ended up coming home late and sleeping late. Then this morning woke up early to go the the zoo. Can't blame me for being zombotic right???

YES! Donnavan just told me that there's no recom tech tut tomorrow morning! I get to sleep for another hour. I'm so glad that it's the 1st period. Hahaha. YAY! It's a 6pm day tomorrow. Glad that i have the car to drive to school. Colin takes it at night. Feel like going shopping. Need to dig for money man. Serious lack of it.

Alright. I think this is a really long entry. If you've managed to finish reading, thanks for your time man! Haha. Been a long week. Longer one to go. Oh! Szeling told me today that NAPHA is compulsory, otherwise cannot graduate! SHIT! How can they keep me back in poly cause of NAPHA. That's damn dumb. Need to find a flaw in the system. Must ask dennis to help me find. He's good at it. Haha. Ok. Soccer tonight, finals, Greece vs Potugal. May the team you suppot win, cause i don't really care. Haha. See ya!