Shucks. Chinese new year is coming. Which means i'm leaving Singapore really really soon. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to face the unfamiliar. I don't think i can adapt properly to being alone and in a COMPLETELY new environment. I think i'm suffering from an anxiety attack. Breathe dawn breathe. *inhales.... exhales...* Got to keep praying about it.

Time is just flying past me. I have NO time to meet up with my friends. Luckily Ken managed to spare me some time today and we went shopping for his new year stuff. Funny how God planned for us to meet and be friends. We're so different but we get along so well. Ken always reminds me to have my feet rooted on the ground and not fly off to an idealistic land. Depressing but comforting at the same time.

Anyway, it's not going to be a very pleasant last 2 weeks here. I'm getting my 2nd wisdom tooth extracted on wednesday morning. It's going to cause me considerable amount of pain which is going to last a considerable amount of time. Therefore, might not be in shape to go out and meet people. Also, the only weekend i have left to meet up with army people will not come to good use because i have to go to my grandma's house for dinner. It's going to be the last time i'll be seeing her till i come back. Plus it's going to be Royston's birthday celebration. So only lunch time is available. Sunday they all book back in. See larh!!! Then again. Lets not assume that everybody wants to meet up with me anyway. I hardly think i'm significant in anybody's life. (i'm just being cynical out of spite)

Alrighty. I think i will have to scoot off to bed soon. I got up early today and am feeling rather sedated now. You know. I really sould stop using "I" so much. I'm sounding much too self centred. Whatever happened to m creative writing skills? I think they evaporated together with my brain. Help. School's starting.

Some pictures for your viewing...



This is probably my favourite picture of us. Think we look really happy and together. =)



Happier times at Brewerkz. The fries are yummy there!



Other nice pictures of us at MoS. The unfamiliar pretty face is Rachel. A Face Shop colleague i've grown pretty close to.



Me and Rachie beside the cash card top up machine. It was raining cats and dogs that night man! I just dyed my hair somemore!



My pretty fenn fenn. She drove that night. Super nice of her to send me and Rachie home.



My darling Meiqi... don't ask me why she looks so coy. It's just her. Haha.



Don't ask. She wasn't even close to high at that time.

I don't have recent pictures of my clique...unfortuantely.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO gonna miss my friends. Argh!

I cannot believe that i allowed 1 person to affect my entire being. Making me completely disillusioned. Thinking that no one loves me, no one will love me and that no one cares about me. I am a stupid cow, a silly goose. The event that took place today made me feel like a princess. I have the BEST friends in the entire world. The BEST. How could i ever had asked for more.

Today, it has come to my attention that my friends and family have been in conspiration. All sneaky poos. I can't believe i didn't catch on. Haha. Nat actually put the whole thing together for me. She even got like my REALLY old friends to try and come. My childhood church friends. Douglas, Jared, she even tried my outside friends like peiqi and ramu and ken and reynard. Even tried to get my hommies included. That's like EXTENSIVE homework you know. Especially cause she's not really familiar with many of them. oooooooooooohhhhh..... i'm just feeling to happy now! *beams beams beams* I feel like a carebear!

The surprise party was at her house where i was under the impression it'd be quality time between the 2 of us. Even my jie was a sneaky poo and didn't even give a hint of knowledge! Who knew, when i walked through the door, i saw darling dennis! Then when i walked into the room, there sat innocently, jared and Ray. Venturing forward, it was douglas smiling at me, to my amazement that nat had managed to dig out my past! Haha. Didn't even know what to say! Just open my mouth and close again like a goldfish. Happy happy happy! Cannot believe that douglas came larh! Gosh! He's such a retro friend that i don't think any of my newer friends know who he is! We shared alot in sec school during IRC and pager days. (Man i'm old.)

Entire clique showed up, minus jac for obvious reasons. Soooooooooooo touched. Sharon came from church, fel came from work and vanessa being the sassy chick came with my dearest Alvin!! With a gathering like that, how not to think back right? Pieces of the past kept flashing during the night. 7 long years have passed since i've nown these people. Having them all in one room together just feels so good. Knowing that through ALL THAT, i still have them. I love every single one of them from the bottom of my heart. They're all so close to my heart. Man. I cannot believe i've been feeling so down when i get so high with these people. *beams beams beams*

Nat: I love you so much babe. Even though i call you a sneaky shit (because you really are) and a pang sai friend, you MUST know that i love you long time, love you deep deep. I really really really really really appreciate you doing this for me. For the disguised blackforest cake you arranged, for going through all that trouble. It was perfect even though not everyone showed, cause these are the closest people to my heart. Don't blame felicia for spoiling the surprise. She's blur from work. Haha. Please thank your mum for me too. Argh! Too much feeling, not enough words. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you meizi. I'm a happy girl and i feel beautiful and i'l try not to let anyone make me feel otherwise. Love you long time, love you deep deep. *smuackz*

Alrighty. Leave you with a photo of my hommies. They're gorgeous aren't they? Taken at meiqi's house during her party.

center>

The other babes of my life. From left: Fenny, dawn dawn, Meiqi and my ling.

*burp* Just back from Chomp Chomp with my clique. Vanessa pang sehed us again. She better turn up the next time or i'm going to hound her at her door! It was a very expensive supper today, i was too lazy to drive there so i took a cab to and fro and i paid for sting ray and sotong. Therefore feeling rather extremely poor. Haha. Serangoon gardens always reminds me of Sheena. The times we used to spend at Cartel and Coffee bean studying together will always be fondly remembered. Sheena would ALWAYS order the Blueberry Lemonade from Cartel and the Ultimate ice blended from Coffee bean. I remember we used to frequent Coffee Bean at gardens cause the Butch barrista was very cute. According to Sheena that is. How time flies. I used to have to walk to the busstop and take 2 busses to gardens. Now i can drive. *shudders* Old.

Have i ever told you how much i love my bestest best friend? I think i haven't cause no words can describe it. I came home to receive a package she sent to me all the way from the States! They always come at just the right time. When i'm feeling absolutely lousy. Her written cards just cheer me right up! Got a pair of pretty flip flops from Aldo and a travel size Stila lip gloss set! I LOVE them babe! Thank you so much! It's so great to have surprises like that. It makes you feel so much more loved and appreciated. *beams* Love you bestest!

I've recently set my eyes on the Nokia 7370. I really really really miss my E700. I loved that phone. I can't believe it got stolen from right under my nose. I hope the idiot who stole it will get sore eyes and foot rot or something. It's a downright rotten thing to do to somebody. My papa doesn't want to buy it for me cause he says that i change so many phones and my phones are always so expensive. What can i say..? It's true. But it's only cause my E700 got stolen what!! If i had known the phone was coming out so soon, i'd have save up my pay to buy it. Too late now.

I know my blog posts are always very wordy. So sorry about it. I wish i had pictures to post, but i don't. Photos are all with Ling. Haven't had the chance to get them from her. But they're not very artistic phots anyway. Of the same people in the same poses. I have a small social circle. Heh.

Alrighty. I think it's off to bed now. LINDA'S HOME!!!! I can sleep in peace tonight. It'll be a better tomorrow.Muahahahaha. I love Linda. =)

Happy 21st Birthday Beng!! Love ya!

Another week has passed. Time's ticking away like nothing matters, but that's just what time likes to do right, force you to move along cause you can't afford to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. I have a love hate relationship with it.

It has been a pretty good week i have to say. Spent time with my friends and family and that's the best remedy to any kind of heartache.

Wednesday, lets see, whaddidido on wednesday (i'm testing myself, i suspect my brain dissolved)... oh! Went down to the salon to colour my hair. It's relatively darker now with some red, quite satisfied with it. Just that i might go down to do it again before i leave cause it's not dark enough to hide the roots. After the salon, i rushed home to put on my face before fenny came to pick me up to go to MOS (Ministry of Sound) together.

MoS is the nicest LOOKING club i've ever seen! (Don't take my word for it, i haven't been to that many) The decor really takes the cake. The seats, the individual themed rooms, the chandeliers, the turn tables.... everything was so....... british. Haha. That's the part i didn't like about the club. It was way tooo british for my liking. I felt like i was listening to the UK top charts or something. Those of you would know that i have low tolerance for british things. Don't get me wrong, i do think that British men are rather cute. Hee hee hee. Beng looked totally great too. It's always so much more fun when she's around. =)

Slept till late on thursaday and went to meet my clique for dinner and a movie. Watched In Her Shoes. It was one of those perfect shows a clique of girls should watch together. With laughs and tears, the perfect show to watch together since we grew out of Coyote Ugly. Haha. I think that there are few things better than havin a group of girlfriends to share everything with. Old school jokes, private jokes that only we'd understand, missing sheena together, experiencing everything we said we'd experience together. Even though a couple of us can drive now, it's still so comforting to see us go home together on the same train. Miss the times where we'd ALL be able to share the same bus and train to go home. ( Speaking of trains and busses, my EZlink expired, i now have to pay cash. How retro is that?!) It's time like this i wonder which one of us will get hitched 1st. It's not too soon to say anymore, it's only a matter of 4 or 5 more years, of which i will only have just JUST graduated! How sad is that?! Shit.

Ok... Friday. Hmm.... Met Fenn in the late afternoon to go shopping at Bugis. I bought 3 Pink Panther tops, of which all went to Aileen cause she looked best in them. I should really get off my fat ass and do something constructive. Anyway, we headed off to Beng's place for her dinner party. Met some of her friends and her massive amount of relatives. It was kinda nice hanging around everybody, taking photos and playing with her friend's dog. I keep wondering how different things would be without this bunch. I don't know what i'd do.

Anyway, i don't think anyone wants to know about the remaining of my week larh. I'd have to go on forever. I'll just say that Memoirs of a Geisha TOTALLY rocks! I'd watch it again anytime. It really follows the book. But Zhang Ziyi's english is really hard on the ears and Gong Li's really pretty and michelle yeoh is really elegant. You HAVE to catch it.

It's chinese new year soon!!! Can't wait can't wait. But after that i'll be leaving. LINDA'S COMING HOME SOON!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're saved! We're saved! Linda takes such good care of us, now that she's not around, everything's just not in it's place. Szeling'll know the toll it's taken on me. Linda cannot go home anymore. She is stay here forever!!!

Alrighty then. It's off to roll on the bed now. Shall think about the Birkies in the window. They're so pretty!

Quote of the day: "There would come a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person started hating us, but because we found out they'd be happier if we let them go."

What's up with the rain today man..? It's really been non stop ALL DAY. Like hello, give it a rest already. It feels so gloomy and dark. It's not condusive to do anything anything except sleeping, but there is only somuch you can sleep right? Right now, i'm waiting for fenny to come and pick me to go for coffee with Beng. Gonna miss then real bad when i leave, which actually really soon. Haiz. Anyway. I think i'll post some old pictures. Feeling nostalgic.





When it was all of us. I miss Sheena so much.





The days when it was just us. Things were so much simpler then.





Early days at Zouk where we had so much fun mambo-ing together






A happy face we all love.






The boys at Kbox singing their REMIX of Music of the Night. It was super Funny!

OK.. There's more to come... but i've got to go meet fenny now. So keep coming back! Se ya!

Agape love is the only kind of love the Bible talks about. Agape love applies to any kind of love, for in the Bible, love is kind and unconditional and applies to everything that belongs to God.

Thanks goodness for that hope of Agape love. The world still goes round, and life still goes on.

I'm feeling extremely fulfilled now. Tee hee. I slept till 1.30pm and loafed around till 4pm where i left the house to spend some quality time with Nat.

Has anyone tried going hanging out with Nat..? She's extremely shopping inducing. Then again maybe it's just because i was in a shopping mood today. I was supposed to go to Zouk with a giant group of friends, but they pang-sehed me one by one. Therefore i think i will never get to go before i leave. Hence i will be the swaku kid who hasn't seen the newly renovated Zouk. How sad is that.

Anyway, on the shopping. I don't know why i just had this urge today. But i just buy and buy and buy and ended up spending a massive amount of money (all my hard earned money in my defense). I went to Make Up Store and bout like 4 nail colours at a go and a brown mascara. Then i went to Face Shop to collect my requisite of which i had to top up $13. Then i went to this Super Hero store and bought a Superman polo tee for my papa and a Batman tee for myself. Still feeling like i hadn't done enough damage, i went to top shop and bought 4 tops which are exactly the same, just in different colour. (They were on sale and i had a $50 voucher in my defense) I only had to top up $2. Therefore i only paid 50 cents per piece. On top of all of that, i bought Nat and i dinner and topped up the cash card. I am now declared BANKRUPT. Don't tell me it's your birthday... "I cannot hear you i cannot hear you i cannot hear you!"

Like right now, this moment this minute, my dear Dennis is at Devils Bar attempting emotional suicide. I just hope everything's going good and he's not going to come out feeling like a piece of shit. I really do hope he'll be able to work things out to his advantage larh. But what can i say..? It's like the blind leading the blind. Why are people so complex? Why is everything a game. It's so sickening. Don't know larh. Complete Ching Chong Chus. That's all i can say.

Let us hear the Word of God: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, itis not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I almost forgotten what love is.

The feeling of spending time with a good friend is just so shiok. There are no boundaries, you're just totally comfortable, can lay all your cards on the table and not be afraid of judgement. Just completely be yourself. It's nice. No pretence.

Finally spent some time with dennis today. Was dragging him along with me while i ran my errands today. Had my medical check up for my student visa today. Complete waste of time and money. I mean if i'm healthy today and i get my student visa, what makes you so sure i'll be in the same condition when i go over..? It's completely redundant. Australians not too smart. But then again, i suppose it's a pre-requisite larh huh.

I bumped into Mr Big today. Somehow, the chemistry has fizzled. I really hate to talk about him like this, but then again, i am who i am. I don't know why i kill myself this way, by thinking. How can you give so much to a person and still be invisible? I am just outside the door, but no matter how much i knock, he doesn't doesn't wanna open it to me. Then again, i'm sounding alot sadder than i really am. Right now i'm in between of not wanting to know and not wanting to care. I'll just forever be wondering, that's all. How can all that not have any effect on an individual. *shrugz* All for nothing. I don't even think he'll care when i leave. He prolly won't even care if i'm dead or alive. It's like Carrie in Sex and the City, emotionally unavailable men, the road to self destruction.

Anyway, time's ticking away without us realising. Lemme know if you're interested in meeting up. Looking forward to seeing my friends before i leave. So yeh. Catch me if i don't catch you. *winkz* Soon i'll be drinking lots of Singapore Slings, just like how in Sex and the City, they drink in Manhattans.

If anyone suspects i'm dead, i'm not. I just haven't been reunited with the internet for a really long time. But i decided to clean up the cobwebs around here, been a lazy bum. Ever since i quit my job, i've just been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Catching up with the Z Monster, been a long time since we've had coffee together.

So how'd you count down the new year..? I went with my friends to lau pa sat for satay and booze. Caught the fireworks on the way there. I think we've pretty good fireworks this year. They were really quite nice and colourful. Gonna miss the fireworks. Basically, i'm glad i made the count down with my hommies. It wouldn't have been the same with anybody else.

I finally met up with dennis today. You never really realise how much you miss a person until yo meet again. Work keeps you so tied up you hardly notice anything around you. But that isn't always a bad thing. Aside from that, i had coffee with Fenn, meiqi and ling at siglap today too. It felt so nice because it's been such a long time since we last gathered. I'm glad, cause at least i get to them together without the boys before i leave.

Talk about leaving, the date is 12 Feb 2006, 1.30am. Meaning late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. I'll be starting school the very next day so i guess that's good. Doesn't give me time to think about being lonely. I'm so glad that jie and pa will be going with me to help me settle in. Probably be terribly home sick after that.

Can't believe it's my turn to go abroad. It's really a mixed feeling. A sense of relief, knowing that it's a new place with a new start. A sense of fear, being surrounded by the aura of unfamiliarity. Friends who know me well will know that i don't adapt well to changes and loneliness. I'll probablly be really miserable for a while.

Just thinking of not having my family with me 24/7 and my loyal, reliable friends to lean on to just puts me off going altogether. Nothing beats the familiar. It's an established comfort zone. That's not always a good thing, but being comfortable makes me more secure. Know what i mean..? Maybe i'm just being the paranoid worry wart that i am.

About this whole familiar feeling. I also met up with Yuhang today. I think Yuhang is a friend i seldom mention or talk about. But i am really rather fond of him. He's really a very nice friend to have. Today he came to pick me up on his bike. I have like absolute trust in him. I wasn't even a least bit worried while he was riding. It's the 1st time for me on a bike alright, and i don't hop on anyone's bike alright. It's really nice to have friends like that. I'm so blessed.

Alrighty. I think i should go and sleep now. Even though i no need to work tomorrow, sleep is still important. This is my 1st post of the new year. Where did 2005 go..? Why so fast...? Really have to learn to catch up. As of right now, i have no life, no money, no job, no degree, no boyfriend and no friend. How depressing is that? What a way to start the new year. *yawns*