Monday, November 28, 2005

I cannot believe that it's the end on November already. The Star Awards will be showing this week. Every time the Star Awards shows, it means that it's the end of another year of bad tv. I'm really wondering where on earth my year went. This year is probably one of my most enjoyable and the least enjoyable at the same time. I don't think i've acheived anything this year. Except maybe i graduated from poly and have experienced working full time. Other than that, nah. Nothing much.

I'm so glad that last week is over. It was terrible at work last week, rushing the wisma store. I worked till 2am 3 days straight. I nearly died. Seriously underpaid i tell you. Next time whoever want to start their own business, can hire me. I'm seriously worht every single cent you pay me and i'm not blowing my own trumpet. I work my ass off for The Face Shop. Anyway, i won't complain that i'm tired cause my other colleagues work harder than me, they worked through the night at wisma and continued working the next morning. They didn't even go home to bathe! So poor thing right we all. NVM! I'm going on a shopping spree next week with nat nat! WEE!

Ok larh. Back to work. Work and work. Everyday just work. Don't know if i till can study or not. Shit. Ok. catch me if you can!


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

See. That's the thing with decisions. It's always hard to make them, but once you do, everything seems to fall right into place. Of course there will be stupid things like a blog which will just constantly remind you of how difficult it was and how pathetic things were and how circumstances have changed.

Even though it's only been a day. I feel better, i feel like i can breathe better. Sure, the neurosis and paranoia is still there, but it's alittle more subtle now. But i know that once i'm in close proximity with the drug, my wall will start crumbling again as it always does. Lar dee dar.. i will use better bricks and cement this time.

I feel better now, therefore i can work better and i can sleep better. =) Wisma launch is up this saturday! EXCITING! I is have nothing to wear! It has officially become a crisis. Got to activate my help crew. Heh heh.

Alrighty. Back to work. Not too many things to do today. Please let the hours pass quick!


Monday, November 21, 2005

I have been high on a cerain drug for the longest longest time. Up till Saturday, the thought of giving it up was too painful to bear. However, i know, for the sake of myself and my friends, i have to quit my addiction before i kill myself. Going through a period of cold turkey right now, and man is it hard. I've removed all signs that remind me of my addiction and i'm having bad nights just trying not to think about it.

It used to send me on such highs i could dance all night without feeling tired. It used to be my sweet caress every night before bedtime. It used to give the effect of valium and estacy together, numbing the pain, yet creating a sense of happiness. I look forward to it every single day of the week, it drives me so. But it all has to stop now. I have to stop.

Cold turkey is definately not easy. I shiver at night, without it's warmth round me. I'm restless at anything i do. My attention span has shortened. I'm tired all the time. Exhausted trying to fight it. My mind is blank without it, my heart is empty without it, my soul is dead without it. I. am. lost. without. it.

Hard as it is. I know i have to give it up. No longer can i depend on it's sweet taste. Now i need more than what i used to. The addiction has grown and i cannot afford to feed my craving. The sweetness as turned bitter, the high has now sent me spiralling low, what was warm is now ice cold. I need more. I need more. i NEED more. i need MORE. I deserve to have more.

So now here i am. In a lonely room. Crouched to myself in a dark corner. Crying inside. Dying inside. But i know that after this greulling process of giving up, i will be rejuvinated. I will be me again. I look forward to that. I don't want to look back anymore. I don't want to crave something i cannot have. I don't want to crave for something i know will bring nothing but hurt and sadness.

I will survive, behind these hazel eyes.


Monday, November 14, 2005

I'm having monday blues. It is a bad sign when i have monday blues because it just means that i'm unhappy with my life and i'm starting to count days and dates. It's just worse now because my boss doesn't approve my resignation and wants me to stay on till december! I know i should be taking this positively, but aiyarh.... i'm just so sian you know. i'm 30% positive and 70% sian.

The weekend really passed quickly. I wished my weekdays would pass as fast. Anyway, after working late on friday, i had to wake up early to work on saturday (saturday is supposed to be my off day). I had to give training to the new girls.

1st of all, the new girls were ALL late. Which already reflects very badly already. Then i teach teach teach and they had no questions to ask, which is highly suspicious. Eventually, i just gave up training and rushed through everything cause they all lost interest and started to get distracted. Was totally irritated to the core because i was so tired and i'm making the effort on my OFF DAY without pay to come all the way down to marina square to give training to them and they don't even want to pay attention. I mean i don't expect them to understand that i'm tired and that it's my off day and i'm not getting paid and all that, but the least they can do is pay attention right?! ARGH! I don't know what's wrong with youngsters these days. They don't take anything seriously. This is a JOB for goodness sake. Ah whatever. I'll just tekan them when they come office for 2nd training.

Then right. The other irritating thing is this. On saturday, i was supposed to meet my Vet Science classmates for a dinner gathering. I was supposed to go for it after my training. My training ended earlier than i had planned, so i thought maybe i'll hang around till dinner. Then right, my gathering got cancelled!!! So there i was. All dressed up with no where to go and no friend. (Saturday is my official no friend day) So i called Ling and Royston and thank goodness they were nice enough to come down and meet me. So we hung around together until it was time for me to go and meet ken.

Anyway, the day ended with me and my gang at dbl O. They were playing weird music. The DJ wasn't very good. The boys were alittle tipsy, they had quite some to drink. Haiyah. I'm just old already larh. No stamina. After that, we went to our old hang out, Simpang and sat till 5.30am. Totally CONCUSSED after that.

Now i'm back to work. My face is back to it's rotting state. Quite depressing. I also don't know larh. I can't really be bothered now. All i can think of is sleep. I the human version of garfield. I'm convinced that nat's cat, Joey, is the reincarnate of Garfield. He looks EXACTLY like how i imagine Garfield to look like. *freaky*

To Fel: We'll catch up soon! *hugz*

Jac- I have no time to take pictures, much more upload them! Just remember how i look the last time you saw me, just fatter! I miss you much much!


Tuesday, November 08, 2005

How is it i manage to be sleepy EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's ridiculous! Why am i the only person on earth who is permanantly tired. Every day after work, i go home and i usually manage to get about 8 hours of sleep, but i'm always still so tired when i come to work! Why huh? I'm so super sleep dependant.

I'm so sick of making phone calls everyday at the office. Calling up the shopping malls and the magazine people is just so super duper gruper duper annoying. They either have no patience, or they down right reject you or worse, they just cmpletelynot pick up which results in me having to call them back over and over again which is darn irritating larh!! ARGH!

I think i'm going through a dump. Where i just wanna drop everything i'm doing and just go to sleep. I don't wanna work, i don't wanna study, i don't even want to go out. I just want to stay at home and sleep. Know arh. Earning money really sucks. It makes me not want to spend anymore. Every little single penny i wanna spend bring me on a terrible guilt trip. "How long do i have to work to earn it back?" If i find that time span reasonable, i'll spend it, if not i'll just walk away feeling totally and utterly depressed. No larh, it's not really that bad, just that i wish i made more money.

Know someting really strange happened last night. I suddenly felt like my Dad's daughter again. I know it sounds very weird, but very often i just feel like we're sharing a house and not that we actually have a father-daughter relationship.

Last night, while i was half asleep, i heard this irritating buzzing sound coming from my window. I tried to ignore it and go to sleep cause i was just too darn tired to do anything about it. BUt then, it was so loud and annoying i couldn't stand it. so i got out of bed and switched on the lights and looked for the irritating bugger. For those of you who have seen the current state of my room will know that my window sill is a bomb area. I couldn't find the bug, bu it was buzzing away, and i didn't fancy the idea of flipping things around so that it would fly into my face. so i ran to my papa's room and whined that there's a bug in my room. so he said "mmz. so big already still scared." So he came into my room to try and help me find the bug. But then the buzzing had already stopped. So my dad said that it prolly flew away already.

Ok. It sounds extrememly dumb and trivial, but which of your dad's will catch a bug for you?! HUH?! It's been a long time since he did something like that for me. It's funny but it's also very nice and papa-ish. So in the end, we didn't get the bug. Phew.

ALrighty. I think i will have to get back to calling up irritating dudes. Later!


Friday, November 04, 2005

It is just totally unfair that everyone is still in bed while i am at work, watching the clock tick away, just so that 6pm will come and i can go home. It is now 10am. GREAT.

Last night, i went with the usual to dbl o. It was RnB, Hip Hop night. I have gone to a single RnB night since i started to learn how to mambo. Suddenly don't know how to dance. Haha. It's also the 1st time in a long time that i saw such a small crowd in dbl o. Must be everyone must go to work/ school today that's why all never go. I wasn't going to go at 1st, but i got suckered into it. No regres though. Just that i'm rather sleepy now. Know when i went to the club last night, i forgot to bring my ID. How dumb can i get larh! Either i always take for granted that i get into dbl o without checking, or, i haven't clubbed in too long i just completely forgot. Whichever reason it is, it's still very stupid. Damn it.

Szeling and Royston are back from Gold Coast, Kiwi is back from Genting. So yesterday afternoon, we all went to drink turtle soup together. Super yummy man! Haven't had it in such a long time. I think i do really weird stuff with this group of people. I mean who da hell has turtle cravings besides meiqi larh. Totally going to miss this group of friends when i go away. Got to really treasure the times man. It'll just never be the same.

That day, i went out with Nat. She's just completely pang sai larh! Nat, just because you're happily attached doesn't give you the right to ask your sad and single friends to watch such tragic shows horh! 2 weepy, cry cry girls should not watch such shows together. Nat, we should just watch comedies. Haha. It's quite embarressing when the lights came on and we were still tearful. Haha. But it's an improvement larh. At least we caught a show this year. Usually we go an entire year without watching movies. After that, we went to her place to have the yummy prata and veg out. I LOVE vegging out with nat. It's completely fulfilling doing nothing together. Hee hee. Super love hanging out with Nat, think she's one of the few who can tolerate my constant neurosis. I love you Nat! Hee hee hee.

Talk about neurosis. I think i'm driving myself and everyone else insane because i'm an insecure, neurotic, emotionally unstable, cranky, oversensitive, sad person. ARGH! I hate it! But at the same time i can't help it. Damn it! There's this saying we had in sec school. "I Need A Man!" Shit. It's come to the point where i'm tipping the edge of craziness. Even though it's sporadic, but when it hits. It's bad. What to do?! I think i need a shrink.

I don't want to be this person anymore, but why is it just so hard to let it all go and forget it ever happened. Sleep. Sleep is good. May 6pm come quickly.