When I was in uni, I was pretty sure that I wanted to work as an Occupational Therapist. I enjoyed my classes and the learning and i love the principles and philosophy of OT. Why is it now, I am dreading starting work?

Sure, the loss of freedom is something I'm not happy about and not in a hurry to give up, but the anxiety runs deeper than that. The anxiety and the worry is real.y heart rate actually quickens and i actually do feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.

Will I be able to be a good OT? Will i manage to meet the expectations of my clients and employers? Have i grasped OT enough to be a professional? Why am i having all these self doubt? I l like to think that i'm a confident and independent person who is stubborn and a perfectionist when I want to be. How is it that 7 weeks in a clinical placement could shake me so much?

If those 7 weeks were not the worst in my life, it comes in a very close second. I don't think anyone understood how hard those weeks were for me. I've never felt so lost, useless, incompetent and small all at the same time for such a long time. It totally crushed my spirit and my idea of OT.

It wasn't that i had ideals. People who know me will know that I am not one for ideals, but OT in Singapore is not at all what I thought it'd be. Actually that's not true, I've never really thought about how OT in singapore would be. Just didn't think it would be so.... pedantic. It's like the whole OT philosophy and principle is lost cause no one cares about it. It becomes so mechanical and technical. It just doesn't feel right any more.

Having said that though, there is no where else i'd rather be now though, besides here at home. I wouldn't go back to perth to work. No way. There's something so comforting about being at home.

I don't know i don't know i don't know. Feeling so frustrated that i'm actually utilising my blog. What do I want to do with my life? I know my family will be supportive of any decision and choice i make, but what is it I want to do? I don't know! If only God would just drop a job right in my lap and tell me.. "this is the one i want you to do".

So hard growing up. Why couldn't i stay a kid? All these decisions. Not getting any younger. Debts and loans to pay off. ARGH!!! I so need some direction.

What should I do? Why is it so hard to find a job that I like. But then again, what do i like? Why do i have no aspirations? I have such a good life, shouldn't even complain. But job hunting really sucks!!!!

Time needs to stop in these moments where i am holidaying and enjoying my life before shit hits the fan.

Please let me get over my OT phobia.