*Run run run.... sits in front of the computer... pants pants and pants somemore*

Sorry i'm late, been buzy lately. No time to come online. But i know you still love me right?? Yes larh. Haha.

I'm supposed to be doing my power point for project now, but i'm feeling nua. So i shall make myself feel extrememly guilty for slacking then i shall pia later. heh heh. Idea.

Went for service today for the 1st time in a long time. It was nice. Hee. Met Sharon and Laine at church. Laine seemed kinda unfriendly. I don't know, maybe i'm just sensitive. But it was quite nice to see them, after all it's been such a long time. We didn't have our tuan yuan fan this year. My clique i mean. I guess everyone was busy. That's one of the lamest excuses, but it sounds much better than saying no one can be bothered right? But i'm sure it really was because we were busy. We are after all not a small clique. And jac's not in singapore anyway. *shrugz*

I'm feeling a sense of bitter sweetness. I'm ending my attachment in 5 days!!!!! YAY! Praise the Lord! CANNOT wait. Want to be able to sleep in. Want to see the sun. Want to go out and play. Want to do this want to do that. Hee hee hee. Finally can do! Free to fly and spread my wings. No more school. No more exams.. EVER! Till uni that is. Lalalalala. Hee. *pao smile* I'm going to jian fei. I'm DETERMINED to jian fei. Super fat and ugly. Cannot make it. Look so gross. Jian fei. Must jian fei. Jian fei is good.

Actually also feeling quite empty at the same time. If i wake up and i don't go to work, i think i'll feel a sense of loss. Become quite dependent on my colleagues. Think after attachment i will have no more friend. I've drifted from my friends since attachment started, now that it's over, i don't know who i can call out anymore. The guys will be going to army soon... nat's still in school. The inner square isn't really a square anymore. Suddenly feel like i got no friend. I'll miss my colleagues like ANYTHING! Peiqi, ken, peiluan, Ming hwee, tony, peter... haiz. But it's time to go. Hung around for too long. I'm going mad as some of you would know.

Not only that, i have no direction. Lost all my bearings when i was in Tuas. I don't know what to do after all this. Where do i go from here? Pack up and go to uni? Which uni exactly? Study what exactly? Don't know. Everything also don't know. Better find some rich guy, dumb enough to marry me, smart enough to make tons of money, and stay at home and be tai tai. Sounds good huh. But since no guy is dumb enough, i'll have to make it on my own. As i've said before, it's better to depend on a degree than to depend on a man. *nods*

Know huh... that day i was having din din with gerald and jie. He was talking about teaching and stuff. Know how i said i wanted to teach when i get back from uni? Now i don't know if i can make it. Sounds real tough. PLus i'm not the sort with a long attention span. What if i end up smacking the kid or something? I'm perfectly capable of smacking kids. They somehow have this ability to tick me off. I really have to start thinking about what i want to do. I'm 20 this year. 20?! can you believe it. Practically an adult. Cannot be so myopic anymore. Soon i'm going to have to start supporting myself. Ok. That just sounds weird. Another thought for another day.

Okok. enough for now. Do work do work!!! Wanna sleep soon! Another time horh. Wait for me! Five more days!!!

When a great trageday comes into your world, everything else shrinks to accomodate it. The new monster bullies its way in, filling all the corners, squeezing your normal, everyday life tight against the walls. And then it takes over and follows you everywhere.

It sits down with you at the table, turning every bite of food dry and tasteless, if you try to read a book, it blows the words around until they're an unreadable jumble, any work requiring more thought than lifting barrels or scrubbing floors becomes nearly impossible.

And it never leaves. It goes with you into the shower, walks alongside on crowded streets, pounding at your mind with the insistence of a panhandler who won't go away. And when you look into the mirror, it's already there waiting, carved into your face, it destroys your sleep and then rushes in first thing in the morning, flooding you again with its poison waves. It devours you life. There is no respite.

And you're not even the one dying.

The above is taken off a book. I so easily identify with it. So often i feel like that. It's happen so often that sometimes i feel that i can't feel any different. It's become a part of me. Charred and broken together with my spirit and my heart. Every part of me bleeds when i see the way that you are. Yet, i do nothing to stop the bleeding. I seem to be gracious. Gracious but stupid. Self praise maybe, but then again, what is there to boast about stupidity.

Are you testing my tolerance? Testing my stand on friendship, testing my strength, testing my kindess and grace? I'm not sure they're there anymore. My ability to walk away is so strong now that nothing keeps me once i've made my mind. Now the question is, are you worth me leaving the rest behind. No. You're not. How dare you put me through the test. Who do you think you are? How dare you be ignorant. How can you be so ignorant. Do you need me less now? I think so. Need you make it so obvious? Need you make me feel like i'm not good enough. Need you make me feel so ugly and inadequate. Stop it. I don't need this from you.

Perhaps i'm accusing you. Many will say that i am. I cannot deny that the fault is in me. I AM the fault. I am a hazzard to myself. I simply love putting myself through the hardness of truth. Maybe i'm testing myself, to see how much i cn take before finally snapping. I want to snap. Then i won't have to keep the hurt and anger and oppressed thoughts and feelings to myself. I can let it all out and no one can blame me cause i've been driven insane.

Insanity is freedom in more ways that one. Why do we fight it? We should embrace it shouldn't we? It's liberating. Who doesn't want to be free? Why do i cage myself? I don't know. You tell me.

"Don't look for it, it finds you." I think i'm lost. I can't ever seem to be found by the right thing. Maybe i try too hard to look, fearing that you might be too tired to find me. Maybe that's why all i get is sadness and pain, failed relationships and broken friendships, stained gifts and soiled dreams. I thought you were more than that. I had greater faith in you, but with one hand, you slapped me and dashed my image of you, filling me with utter brokeness and deceit.

I look around and i see my few anchors, keeping me rooted to the ground, i think they too are tired from holding me. Sometimes i wish they'd let go and let me fly away into my depression. But i thank God for blessing me with them cause without them all i am is a shell without a spirit. Hold on to those close to you and let the rest go, keeping everyone near proves too large a feat for me. I am weak. Weaken by the sheer oblivation you left in my mirror for me to face everyday.

I am ugly. I am weak. I am broken. You have done nothing to make it better. Thank you for trying. So tell me, what are friends for. No. SHOW me. Show me what friends are for.

THIS. HAS. BEEN. A. HELLUVA. WEEK. So many things happened in such a short period of time, i have yet to catch my breath. Phew.

Guess it started on 1st day of CNY. The late nights i have survived this week... man. I'm amazed at myself. I never realised i still had the capacity to party like this. One the 1st day od CNY. JAC CALLED ME FROM THE STATES! Hee hee hee. Was so super happy. Really made my day. It's soooooo nice and comforting to hear from her. Makes you feel less lonely you know. Hee. I love you jac! Then this other werid thing happened. Ramu (this figure from the past as some of you will remember), smsed me and ended up asking me out like after 3 years of not seeing each other. Hmm. Of course then came visiting and collection of ang paos and face stuffing. It was all good. I haven't opened my ang paos yet. Been too lazy and i always come home too late to do anything constructive. Nothing really much went on on the 1st day larh. Was just so appreciative that i didn't have to go to work. But the 2nd day was just rockin man!

Dawn went clubbing for the 1st time in a year! Haha. Cool huh. The last time i went was in january last year with nat and ling at zouk. Loooonnnng ago. Haven't really drank since then either. Oh well. I woke up just in time for gerald to come over for lunch. I LOVE gerald. He's like the most intelligent being on earth or something, and he's just got this cynical sense of humour that really makes me laugh. Hee hee. Too bad i don't get to see him often. Then i had to hurry over to Alvin's place to eat. I have actually no idea why i ended up there. I think he talked me into it. BUt the food was soooo yummy. His mum can really cook. So if he ever invites any of you guys over to eat. Must go. Don't miss out on the food!! I love CNY. Yummy food. Hee. I also witness Alvin's maiden voyage. Haha. 1st time he drove since he got his license. Good stuff Alvin. Keep it up. It's so great now that everyone can drive. Then can fetch me. Hee hee. *Evil*

Then right, i took a cab down to Sultan to meet the gang for dinner. It was fenny's 21st birthday. Made some new friends. They're all phyco. Plus i think their livers are spoilt with all that alcohol. Anyway. We went to dbl O after dinner. It was RnB night! Yay! My favourite! Was dancing the night away! Ok.. actually i was TRYING to dance without looking so much like a cardboard gorilla, but after a while i didn't care anymore. Drinks at Dbl O are so cheap! So yeh, bottoms up everyone!

The surreal part of the night was that i bumped into so many people. Bumped into Cindy and Mel from sec school days. Bumped into Candice dearest who just came back from England. (She's meiqi's cousin! How freaky is that?!) Bumped into my JUNIOR, Charis (she's leagal already! How old am i man?!). Of course the nicest part was that Ken was there too. He came just because i asked him too. Even though i think he was feeling out of place, maybe slightly old and rather bored, he still came. So nice of him. I shall therefore be nicer to him at work and not disturb him so often. Finally szeling can put a face to the name when i mention him. Clubbing was all good. I left at 2.30am and went to work without getting sleep. The rest of the gang just self declared MC. I am a responsible individual. Haha.

Friday was a "hard" day at work. I had such a terrible time keeping my eyes open. I got so cranked, i started playing with aluminium foil with fiona and then trotting off to the toilet to sleep only to be woken up 5 mins later by the flushing sound. I was completely comatose when i got home. Friday was good. GUD.

Was LATE for my lunch appointment with Ramu by 10mins. Was dallying larh. Besides paying for cab fare, i didn't even NEED to take out my wallet. Or rather, he didn't let me. He paid for everything. I felt sooooooooo bad. I never allow people to pay for me. It just isn't done. But he just insisted. Oh well. He does owe me. It's been too long. It's great catching up with old friends.

Come to think of it. Saturday was REALLY packed for me. I had 2 steamboats to attend. One at Alvin's and the other at Kiwi's. Both were fun. Ended up reaching home at 6am. Kiwi's place was just ravin i tell you. Everyone there was phyco. They named me NANCY! I have NO idea why. Szeling is Lulu, fenny's Lucy, Esther's Michelle, Meiqi's Connie and Kiwi's Robert. So disgusting right?! I mean which moron thinks of such names. They're awful! I don't know how it came about so don't ask me. Haha. But it was all quite funny. We were making a hell lot of noise until kiwi's neighbour called the police and the mata came knocking on the door. I thought only on tv these things happen. But then again, my life seems to be part of a tragic drama series now. Anyway. We were playing indian poker! Know that retarded looking game where you stick the cards on your forehead? Yeh. That one. Haha. It was guys vs girls! Girls won!! Hahaha! Girls always win. Hee hee. By 4.30am, we had finished 2 bottles of vodka and 1 bottle of chivas. I tell you, soon, all our livers will spoil. But it was all GUD. I had fun. Hee.

But alas all good things must come to an end. I have 3 more weeks of attachment (i have yet to decide if that's a good thing). I have yet to start on my project (but nat has so generously agreed to help me after her mid terms! I lub you nat!). I have to go to work tomorrow. Dennis is going back soon and i haven't really seen him. My guy friends are going into army. I have to start having some direction. But other than that. All is GUD.

This is NANCY signing off!

Just some reading material for you guys. Got this thing off friendster. Thought it was kinda cute.


1) should guys go str8 to the point or should we beat around the bush a little ? (cos sometime the truth hurts) Ans: Straight to the point please. Guys just do a terrible job at beating round the bush. They try to be tactful but it usually comes out all wrong. Honestly, it makes things worse. So just come straight to the point.

2) are guys expected to pay for meals and movies all the time ? Ans: No. I don't believe in freeloading. Allowing someone to pay for you sometimes is fine. Paying for someone sometimes is fine. But all the time is just too much. Have some back bone man. No money then don't go out. Sleeping is good and cheap.

3) in a quarrel when the girl know she is at fault does she expect the guy to apologise first ? Ans: Not for me larh. Sometimes when it's PMS, then just give in a little. But cannot always larh. She'll become spoilt. Then you're going to have more to deal with in future.

4) does the girl expect the guys to make decisions on where to eat and where to go all the time ?Ans: Actually... I'd prefer it if the guy suggests something. Doesn't make me feel as though he's being obligated to go out with me. But when i wanna go somewhere or eat something i'll just come right out and say. So i don't have a problem there.

5) do girls expect guys to send them home in the afternoon or at nite when the guy is tired? Ans: Tell the truth, i'm an independent girl. I seldom allow guys to send me home, unless they stay near by. Seriously. I don't remember a guy ever sending me home. Ok. Except darren. But he used to stay near by!

6) do girls get pissed off when guys check out other girls once in a while in front of them ? Ans: No larh! I'll check them out too! It's normal human behaviour. People appreciate beauty.

7) when girls actually tell a guy you do not understand me well enough.do they expect the guys to find out how to understand them or what is the guy suppose to do ? Ans: I think understanding comes with time. And i hardly think i'll ever say that to a guy. Understanding someone takes alot of effort and sacrifice. You think want to understand then can understand arh? Got to work towards it ok!

8) do girls sometimes say things they don`t mean and why are they doing it (eg, i hate u) Ans: Well. Girls rarely say what they mean. She could be angry with you. Or just teasing. Or hinitng at something. Or testing your reaction or trying to get her way or trying to get her way out of something. The possibilities are too many.

9) when a girl wears a tube or has big u know do they mind when guys stare at their u know or something ? Ans: Looking is fine. Staring is abit much. So STOP STARING!

10) when girls ask am i fat ? are guys suppose to be honest ? Ans: The politically correct answer is "no you're not. Even if you are.. So what? More of you to love." But since guys are never polically correct, just be honest. But not too brutal. Just say, "you would look great larh, but you'll look even better if you were thinner." Hahahaha.

11) do girls expect guys to remember things like anniversary dates or maybe the first movie u guys watch together or first kiss ? Ans: It would be nice if he remembered. Cause i know i will. But there's no need to celebrate little things like that. Just remember to hold them in your heart and well. It's something intimate between the both of you what.

12) do girls expect guys to hold their hands all the time ? (or how u feel abt it ) Ans: Not all the time larh. Hands are practical daily tools, they can't be caught up all the time. Plus you'd look so sticky. But i think holding hands are one of world's sweetest gestures. *grinz*

13) when a girl feels insecure how can the guy make them feel more secured? Ans: Just cuddle and tell her she's the best thing that ever happened to you. Of course you have to mean it larh!

14) do girls mind when their guy go meet their ex girlfriend? Ans:varies with individuals. For me, i don't mind larh. As long as he tells me and not lie about it. I think i'll be fine with it.

15) when girls say they are angry how can guys make them happy again ?Ans: Well. Basically. Give her time to cool off. One day is more than enough ok. If you wait too long, she'll just be even more angry. That is if she's angry at you larh. If she's just generally angry, Just let her rant or provide silent companionship. Then maybe do something she likes together, like eating ice cream or watching sappy shows.

16) do girls expect guys to say i love you and i miss you all the time ?Ans: No. Not for me. Too much of something takes the meaning out of it. Say it when you want to and when you mean it from the bottom of your heart. That's when girls want to hear it.

17) what do u think would be a major turn off in guys ? Ans: Bad manners. I cannot stand bad manners. Seriously. The world is made up of more than just you, so have some consideration for others. Behave properly. The worse is cussing. I really hate that. Sometimes is ok. But if every sentence has a profanity then i don't wish to talk to you.

18) what do girls look for in a guy ? Ans: every girl looks for something different. I am highly attracted to a guys brain. I am super drawn to a guy if he's intelligent. Hee hee. I like when a guy who knows when to be serious and when to let loose. I like a guy who respects women. I like a guy who smiles. I like a guy who looks vaguely like darren. I like a guy with nice hands. I like a guy who can dress. I like a guy who has ambition. So on....

19) do girls mind meeting the guy`s parents ? ( do u feel weired or anythin) Ans: Yes. I feel weird. I feel weird around parents. Unless it's nat's parents. But i just generally feel weird with parents larh. Don't know why.

20) girls tell me what is your defination of the word love ? (or maybe true love) Ans: Love makes you want to become a better person. Love is a drug that kills you slowly. Love lifts you up way into the clouds. Love shatters you till you feel you can't go on. Love is an ideal, an illusion of a perfect world. I'm a cynical bitch.

21) do all girls like french kissing ? Ans: I don't know. I never french kissed.

22) what is the no1 killer in breaking up a relationship Ans: "Things are going too fast and i don't think i'm ready for what's happening." Just go and eat shit.

23) do girls expect gifts on anniversary or when they say the like something are guys suppose to buy for em ? Ans:It'll be nice to receive stuff sometimes. But othertimes. Don't be a spineless shit. You like it.. go get it yourself. If you can't afford it, then too bad. Live without it.

24) do girls like to be teased by guys(not always of course) Ans: I don't mind it larh. Cause i'm fully capable of retaliating. Hahaha.

25) when a girl is out with her group of friends do they mind if their guy wanted to come along ?Ans:I think i would mind. Cause Girl time is girl time. Occasionally when it's just for lunch then it's ok if he comes along. But if we're going to be out the whole day then no, i won't want him there. I need time with my girls and my other friends.

26) when a guy meet his friends to play pool or maybe soccer do the girls mind watching them ?Ans: I mind. You want time with your mates, then go ahead. I'm not going to be a watch dog. I'll be fine by myself. I don't need to be involved when i'm not involved.

27) when clubbing do girls get jealous when they see other girls chatting with their guy or maybe even dancing ? Ans: I don't think i'd want to go clubbing with my guy. But in any case. Yeh. i think i might get upset. But i understand that he needs to be "polite". Just no touching!

28) what do u think is needed to keep a relationship strong ? Ans: Loyalty, trust, communication and co dependence.

29) do girls actually feel bad when they make guys wait for them ? Ans: Depends on which guy it is. But i don't usually keep people waiting larh. But i feel bad when i do.

30) when a girl likes a guy would u make the first move or what kinda hints would u make?Ans: I don't think i'll make a move. Not after all that's happened. I'll just let it pass. But i guess i'll sms. Other than that... nah.

Ok guys. I have to go sleep now. Got work tomorrow. Project is due in 2 weeks and i'm not started. Somebody save me! Anyone wants to offer their services to the "help dawn do project" charity event. No need money. Just your services will do. Desperate cry for help! Please help your poor dying friend who is overworked and tired, who is being expoilted and has to go to work everyday in tuas. It will all be appreciated. Thank you thank you.

I am feeling completely uninspired to write. I have nothing to write about. My head is blank. All i can say is that tomorrow is sunday and i have to work a full day tomorrow. I cannot go shopping with Ling. Sunday is my day with Ling, but no... i have to work. Shit.

Chinese new year is coming. I'm a fat cow. I'm so fat now that i don't even care. I'm disgusting.

Argh. What am i going to do about the rest of my life? I'm in a dump.