The wedding is over, but the marriage will last forever. The sweetness, happiness and love that filled the air yesterday was so heartwarming, it was impossible to be cynical and negative in anyway. I've been to many weddings in the past, but to actually be involved in one that belongs to someone close and dear to you in an entire different experience.

No doubt it's a tiring PROCESS, the finding of the dress, the finding of the dress, the finding of the dress, the waking up early and getting dressed and putting on makeup,thinking of sabo questions, fighting with the "brothers", fussing over the bride, smiling for pictures, it was all good though. I was happy to do it, all of it, i just didn't know i would be that happy.

Was nearly brought to tears when the vows were exchanged, the bride all radiant and the groom all nervous, it was a sight so endearing. Hearing the groom vowing to forever be loving and good to my friend made my heart swell. It was as though i was giving her away and not her parents. She really was GLOWING inside from inside out. She was the prettiest i've ever seen her. I am just so glad that this day has come for her, she truely deserves it.

To my dearest kahki, you were absolutely fabulous yesterday, i'm so glad that i was there to witness it. I wish you all the love and happiness in thw worls cause you deserve it. I wish to see you this happy always and forever. I pray that your life and your marriage will blossom in jubilee and compassion. I love you dearie, used to, still do and will always. *smuackz* XOXO.















Just some pictures to show you how we look when we bother to dress up. Haha. Aren't all my babes pretty???

Like i say, i'm always the bridesmaid never the bride. After yesterday and all that tenderness, i really hope that one day soon, i'll meet someone who will love me the way i want to be loved.

The trouble with love is, it takes on too many forms. Which should take priority? Love for family? Love for friends? Love for partner? Which comes first i wonder. I will not put in "love for God" cause that's like sensitive topic.

I'm not in a relationship, so i cannot take part in my own question and answer session. Too many times i've been involved in an arguement or dispute or disagreement whereby love for partner tops love for friends. I never understand it. To me, the answer is obvious, but like i said, my opinion is not valid in such circumstances. I've seen so many friendships dissolve because of the same reason but then, i've never seen a relationship dissolve because of it. Hmm. Funny things we humans are.

Yes yes, baised opinion, selfish one sided theory.. whatever. Sometimes, those who are involved in a relationship should just open your eyes wider and look around outside your little couple world. Trust me, it saves a whole lot of trouble and heartache.

I'm not angry or discriminating against anything or anyone. I'm making a general remark that's bound to make people unhappy, take it with a pinch of salt. People who have the "shorter end of the stick" will know exactly what i'm talking about.

Bah.

There were many moments today i felt like i wanted to disappear. Old feelings of resentment, subdued spitefulness and un warrented grumpiness. Maybe it's just hormones or maybe it's just Singapore. Really wonder which is my true self. The self i am when i'm in perth or the self i am when i'm here, at home.

Somehow, here at home, there is this irritating innate sense of inadequacy. I really don't know why. The CONSTANT reminder that i am single is being rubbed into my face like salt is to a wound. It just makes me wanna row away in a boat to an island where single people are cast upon. Yeh, am oversensitive and out of my mind but it's the truth. With all the marriages and babies and couple photo-shoots, makes me wonder once again, what is wrong with me.

Being faced with the past and the present cause all insecurities to resurface. The sinking feeling in my heart and stomach gets worse everyday. I get more hateful with each day that passes since i've been back. I was so thrilled to come home, but somehow, home being EXACTLY the way i remembered it didn't bring the joy i anticipated. Why?

I know that i haven't been away very long, but i thought that friends would be happy to see me. Make some time out to see me. I thought that i'd have yummy food to eat and not be busy doing what seems like nothing. I thought i knew how felt towards certain things and people but why does my platform waiver? I thought i accepted my place in life, but now i'm not sure again.

Maybe this is challenge and a test set for me from the mighty Man in Heaven. I think i failed and i'll be crawling back to Him on all fours when i get back to Perth.Why is it so hard to be faithful here. Why is it so hard for me to be an individual here. It's so ironic. How is it i am the better part of myself in Perth. How is it i am at peace with everything when i'm in Perth and i'm such a horrible, complainsome, resentful grump here. I take a step back and breathe sometimes and i see clearly who my real friends are and i am thankful to them cause besides my family, they're the only ones who give me a reason to come home.

I can only pray that i'll never lose my sense of self and that one day soon, i will meet with my purpose and not feel so empty.

Since i have nothing to do now but worry about my results and Aileen is hogging tv and not letting me watch it. I shall be like Szeling and think about what i would do if i won a million dollars.

I would buy a pair of Manolo Blahniks and a pair of Jimmy Choos. That would cost like a total of 5k i assume. Then, i would buy an ocean veiw apartment in perth. That will be about 450k. It'll make me really happy and relaxed, ocean therapy is one of the best things ever. Then anyone who comes to visit me will have the best holiday in perth EVER. Nothing beats the ocean. During summer time, we can go surfing and we'll spy for dolphins during autumn. Oh oh oh! Then i'll buy a house boat so that i can go with my friends for ocean picnics on saturdays. Ohhhh.. how exciting!

Then, with the money i have left, which will be about... lemme see... 200k. Oh my, that's not alot is it. Hmm. I think i'll buy each of my loved ones an open ticket to perth. If i have 50 loved ones.. that'll cost me 50k and i will have 150k left. I will buy my jie and aileen and my pa anything they want. I will give Linda money to bring her son here and i will buy russell his own little house.

Yeh. I think that'll make it up. I like buying things and i don't know how to save. Bad habit. Yeh well, that's as far as my Million bucks will go.

*Nod* I'm happy with my purchases. Hee.

Today, while i was doing my nails a the super duper gruper duper expensive nail salon Dashing Diva's, was thinking of the times i spent with Mr Big and felt really bad about how things have turned out and that i haven't spoken to him in a longer time than i had noticed.

I miss having him around. I miss the times where we'd spend together with no speculation and no questions. I wished i handled things better. Then again, why should i blame myself? Wasn't me who played games. *shrugz*

Oh well. We are where we are. Cannot change things, not sure if i want to in the 1st place. I loved him with all that i had at that time. Don't reckon it's my loss.

Nostalgia. It sucks.

This whole planning a wedding thing is so exciting. It's getting me all happy and anxious. Wonder when it'd be my turn to be the bride. I think the phrase "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" was written for me. How exhilarating it must be for the bride! Gosh, it's the beginning of the rest of your life! It's bound to be fabulous.

Despite not having my own wedding to look forward to, i cannot deny that i've day dreamed of the event. The colour scheme, the dresses both for myself and my bridesmaids, my faceless husband's tux, the venue, the food and of course all that love and laughter the atmosphere will bring.

Of course i will be thin. I will starve myself just to fit into the most fabulous gowns. My gown WILL be fabulous and i will wear jimmy choos. My dad will walk me down the aisle, and my husband will be waiting for me at the alter looking all suave and handsome and thinking that he's the luckiest man in the world (this is my day dream, i can dream anything i want). The pastor will marry us in God's word and bind our marriage in the name of God, it will not only be legal, it will be holy and sacred.

Tea reception will be in a garden outside the church in a western style. A long table will be set under a white tent and little tea treats will be served. Everyone will be enjoying the food and jesting about how happy my marriage will be and what a fabulous wedding it is. My husband and i will be in our own world, looking at each other lovingly knowing that it's going to be the best times of our lives together.

Dinner will be held in a classy hotel, nothing too over the top. Gown will of course be beautiful cause i will then be thin (day dream remember). It will not be the traditional chinese dinner where the couple doesn'y get to eat. It will be a formal sit down dinner with nice china and good food. My husband and i will pay tribute to our friends and family to whom i know we will never be happy without. Everyone at the dinner will know exactly what we're talking about because they'll only be those close to our hearts.

There. That's my day dream. Haha. I think i've been watching too much tv and i think i've scared off all the guys. But every girl is entitled and deserves her dream wedding or at least to dream about her dream wedding. =P Oooohhhh... how exciting it's going to be! Can't wait!

Hmm. I wonder if guys dream of their dream weddings...

Been back slightly over a week. Lets see what i've been doing.

1) Moved house (it was a horrible and tiring and frustrating process, i do not want to go through it again in the near distant future)

2) Met up with, beng beng, fenn fenn, roger, vaxont, jac, alvin, yuhang, ray, tim and face shop peeps. (seems like alot horh, but there're quite a few more to go.)

3) Been eating non stop. (put on like 2kg since i came back)

4) Went to Butter Factory and bumped into jac there (we saw Fiona xie too, she's teeny tiny, Butter Factory is expensive! But we danced the night away, was quite shiok. Except that i forgot to bring my ID AGAIN for the 3rd time and had to go home and get it.)

5) Visited 2 new born babies (Meiyen's Chloe is absolutely gorgeous and Doreen's Evan is so cute! Gonna see Peiyun's Javier on thursday. Can't believe this day has come, where i have to buy baby presents.)

6) Got informed of an upcoming wedding and another coming baby arrival.

7) Attended a Funeral of someone i know. (szeling used to be close to him, he made a rash decision to end his life. I cannot believe this is the 4th passing i know of.)

*hey, come to think of it, i know 4 new borns this year too.... hmm.

8) Heard of a breakup between 2 friends (hope that everything's going alright, call on me anytime.)

9) Watched Scary Movie and Just my Luck (did you know that the 9th floor of Cine has like a lan gaming center? I didn't know till yesterday, it used to be the bowling alley! Cool bananas! Yeh, i know i'm swa ku)

10) Went for measurements for my bride's maid gown. (i'm a fat shit)

11) Attended Sunday school and service

12) Visited the new Cathay and had yummy Ben and Jerry's.

13) Watch lotsa tv

14) Blowing my nose (my sinus's have been acting up due to the disgusting horrid weather. ew.)

15) Worrying about my exam results

Sounds like alot doesn't it. Considering i've only been back over a week. Don't know why i still seem to have nothing to do and no one to play with. However, in sight of recent loss, i've been reminded that i must treasure and love those people who are around me and especially those who matter to me. I LOVE ALL OF YOU!

Shout out to Nat: Sweetie! I miss you lots! I hope you read this. Please call me again some time, doesn't matter if it's 3am in the morning again. I just wanna hear from you. Love you!