Today is one of those days where i really hate being in the place i am now. School is hectic, no security for exams. Assignments and tests only mediocre and we all know that i don't do fantastic in exams, it doesn't make me feel any better that my coursemates are all so darn smart and competitive. Then, i can't seem to find a place to live for next year and i just found out today that my back up plan for housing (to stay again in student village) got declined. I have officially nowhere to live next sem at this moment. To make everything worse. I'm going to miss all my housemates whom i love so dearly. RAR!

Not in a good mood.

I get so envious when i read Jac's blog. That girl's got the life man! NO doubt that she deserves all the wonderful experiences she's had cause she works to hard it pains me sometimes to hear her so stressed out. But i can't help wishing that i was in her shoes. Seeing the sights of the world some of us can only DREAM off, doing the things i always wanted to do. But i'm glad that she's got a chance to do all that, at least she can share it with me. It's amazing how we started out so similar as children, but grew up leading such extremely different lives. It's really God's will that we're still bestest. Missing you jac jac. Can't wait to see you again in december back home.

Weather in Perth is heating up. The sun is turning me brown again and i'm starting to roast in the car. If i had a choice between having cold weather and having hot weather, i think i'd pick the cold. Cause even though the cold makes you REALLY wanna eat, at least you can pile on the layers and have hot coffee and cuddle up with housemates. When it's hot, unless you can permananty be in aircon room, it's quite unbearable. You know how in Singapore, the weather is always hot, but it's not as bad because the moisture in the air makes the impact on the sun less painful. Here, the air is soooo dry, i wouldn't be surprised is i rubbed 2 leaves together and fire starts, and you can feel the heat rays of the sun penatrating your skin just from walking or driving. Yeh. The grass is always greener on the other side. In winter, i want the beach, in summer, i want winter. Fickle.

Know what, i have to go and buy new clothes. You know why? Cause i've gotten so fat i can't fit properly into my clothes anymore. It's extremely depressing. I guess it's good that summer is coming then, tend to be less hungry and more thirsty in summer. Mission impossible. JIAN FEI! Blah. There's this other thing that's getting me depressed too. It's the last week of uni next week, then study week, then exams. The sad part is not that the school year is almost over, it's not even because i have to cram like crazy for exams, it's because my flat will be splitting up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!! I love my housemates. The reason why i feel so settled here is because of them. This whole feeling of separation anxiety really gets to me. I love my boys, i love sunita and then there's tonya and elishia too. i CANNOT imagine perth without them. Haiz. Why must all good things come to an end? sucks.

Anyway, Esther's going to be in perth tomorrow, so likely to meet up. Got heaps of work piling up again. Got to clear all the stuff and get my mind focused on exams. Wish me luck everybody! I'll need lots of it!

Finally have the time to sit down and write a decent blog entry. Sorry i've been missing for so long. Even Alvin had to sms me from home to check if i'm still alive. It's just been really hectic the past 2 weeks for me. The tiredness is just accumulative and i spent the whole day today just resting. I know i have low tolerance for tiredness, but i really pushed myself these 2 weeks. The only thing i enjoyed was the couple of days Nat was over. Brought back the zest in my life and it felt really good hvaing her here and bringing her to places i usually hang around in Perth. Was really disappointed i didn't have enough time to take her to enjoy some ocean therapy at the beach. Even those few days were a real rush. I decided that a visit to perth should last about 1 week. Will have enough time to go places and do things. *Nod* Yeh. Felt really really happy to share my life here with my friends from home, makes me feel more complete if that even makes sense. I love you hunny bunns!

*Random note* Ling is in Hong Kong now. I miss her.
*Random note 2* Baby's arriving rewlly soon and i'm so excited and happy!
*Random note 3* Beng beng! I Miss You heaps!!! Dreamt of you some nights ago. You were telling me to get a life.
*Random note 4* Alvin, was really ahppy to receive your sms this morning even though i was still sleeping and cannot remember what i replied you.
*Random note 5* I don't know where i'm going to live after the 24th of Nov. House is not coming through.
*Random note 6* Only have about 4 more weeks with my housemates. I'M GOING TO MISS THEM TO PIECES! They've been my support since i've been here.
*Random note 7* Exams are starting in 4 weeks (hyperventilates)!!!! I'm SO behind my work. Had too many assignments to think str8.

Alrighty. Enough of random notes. I could go on forever since everything in my head is so random anyway.

Just read an entry in my friend's blog. Got me thinking about my friends and my flaws and how things get so complicated. This "thinking" process suddenly feels very distant. It's been so long since i "thought too much". Guess Uni really distracts me and keeps my mind off things. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. Oh well. Decided that i'm REALLY grateful with the close friends that i STILL have. I decided that i share alot of myself with people who i choose to be my friend and i'm so thankful that the ones that really matter chose to stick round. All but one. But i guess that's a pretty good ratio anyway. Then i realised that most of my close friends are girls. The only guys that i really can be myself with is Alvin, Dennis and Ken. Think guys are generally just screwed up either that, they just screw you up. Blah.

Then i thought about it and i decided that i'm REALLY blessed that i have so many friends who stuck around cause i realised that i have so many bad traits and idiosyncracies. Like i'm EXTREMELY cynical, i do nothing but complain, i'm a lazy bum, way too critical about everyone and everything aside from myself, always have an opinion, the list could go on forever. Think my friends really must love me alot. I'm so hard to put up with! I have issues with like practically everything! Man. I'm so glad i have my bunch, or bunches. It's so hard to find somepne you can really just BE with, glad i have so many.

Of course, there are always instances that get corrupted and then gets complicated down the road. Reckon i'm still burning from IT (let's just call it IT). Big was really someone i felt i could just be with. It was always comfortable. Even when it was uncomfortable, it was still comfortable. The space was comfortable. Maybe even too comfortable. Whatever happened or didn't happen i will never be able to comprehend. I don't know if i loved him too much or didn't love him enough and i think i will always wonder. Why do things like that happen? Do we ALLOW it to happen? Or does it just creep around the back of your mind and then gets too overwhelming and blows up in your face? All those times where i sat alone feeling ugly and insecure, was it just me or was it Big? Like can you really only blame yourself? Why is it always my fault? You know what i mean? It's not that i'm still stuck in my lousy time capsule. I just like using IT as a case study. I mean it consists of so many elements. Sociology, phychology, neurology... so many components. How do you know that you love someone? Is it when you give all you have to give and still thinking that it's not enough? What is the benchmark. Is overflow actually a good thing? A cup is cup, it can only hold X amount of substance, if you put in X+1, it will overflow and is that good? Are you trying to test the limit of the cup or are you just being generous with your giving? What does it al mean? How come i suffered more than him. How come i wanted it more than him. How come he's more important to me than i am to him. How come i still want it to be him (i'm not really sure about this, just speculating). How did it become so complicated? Or is it just really simple, but my mechanism makes it complicated? You know what i mean? Maybe not. Somethings you just have to talk it out and see how much variance there is.

Maybe it's just my character and my personality. I embrace things and people too readily and therefore get disappointed easily. Was talking to Nat about it when she was here. People say that we shouldn't have expectations. But the world runs on expectations. How can there be no expectations? If you get hired to do a job, you're expected to turn up and perform. If you're a student, you're expected to study. All these expectations are based on unpersonal, superficail stances. What more if it were a friendship or a realtionship. You can't have either without expectations. The more you give, the more you expect in return. That's the way it works. That's how things are FUNCTIONAL. So you can't balme me for expectations. Expectations don't materialize from nothingness. I think i'm a slightly bitter person. Will stop this word vomit now.

The gift of speach and thought. How did life happen man. Not that long ago i was in primary school and now i have so much shit to deal with. BAH. Life should simplify as you get older and not complicate. Funny how the brain degenerates as you get older, but emotions get more developed. Ironic hey. At the end of the day, all you have is love. Something to chew on.

Alrighty. Talked too much tonight. Make up for all the times i was quiet. Haha. Take care y'all. Don't know when the next time will be. But keep coming round! You're all missed.