Who would have thought that the day would come where I had to worry about getting a job.
When I was in uni, I was pretty sure that I wanted to work as an Occupational Therapist. I enjoyed my classes and the learning and i love the principles and philosophy of OT. Why is it now, I am dreading starting work?
Sure, the loss of freedom is something I'm not happy about and not in a hurry to give up, but the anxiety runs deeper than that. The anxiety and the worry is real.y heart rate actually quickens and i actually do feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
Will I be able to be a good OT? Will i manage to meet the expectations of my clients and employers? Have i grasped OT enough to be a professional? Why am i having all these self doubt? I l like to think that i'm a confident and independent person who is stubborn and a perfectionist when I want to be. How is it that 7 weeks in a clinical placement could shake me so much?
If those 7 weeks were not the worst in my life, it comes in a very close second. I don't think anyone understood how hard those weeks were for me. I've never felt so lost, useless, incompetent and small all at the same time for such a long time. It totally crushed my spirit and my idea of OT.
It wasn't that i had ideals. People who know me will know that I am not one for ideals, but OT in Singapore is not at all what I thought it'd be. Actually that's not true, I've never really thought about how OT in singapore would be. Just didn't think it would be so.... pedantic. It's like the whole OT philosophy and principle is lost cause no one cares about it. It becomes so mechanical and technical. It just doesn't feel right any more.
Having said that though, there is no where else i'd rather be now though, besides here at home. I wouldn't go back to perth to work. No way. There's something so comforting about being at home.
I don't know i don't know i don't know. Feeling so frustrated that i'm actually utilising my blog. What do I want to do with my life? I know my family will be supportive of any decision and choice i make, but what is it I want to do? I don't know! If only God would just drop a job right in my lap and tell me.. "this is the one i want you to do".
So hard growing up. Why couldn't i stay a kid? All these decisions. Not getting any younger. Debts and loans to pay off. ARGH!!! I so need some direction.
What should I do? Why is it so hard to find a job that I like. But then again, what do i like? Why do i have no aspirations? I have such a good life, shouldn't even complain. But job hunting really sucks!!!!
Time needs to stop in these moments where i am holidaying and enjoying my life before shit hits the fan.
Please let me get over my OT phobia.
Things i will miss about perth:
1) The sky- always blue, always with nice fluffy clouds, so vast and never ending, so low like you could touch it on tip-toes.
2) The ocean- the blue, the shimmer of the water, the sound of the waves, the smell of the water, how it seems to touch the sky over the horizon.
3) The weather (except summer)- cool with adequate sunshine.
4) The line of trees along the sides of Mill Point Road- as if they were out of a painitng or a movie.
5) The wide roads- nice to drive on.
6) My house- it speaks so much of me.
7) The smell of the air- it smells fresh, you can smell the wind abd the cold.
8) My friends- they made the 4 years bearable.
The feeling of leaving Perth pretty much for good evokes a different kind of feeling. I feel like i might actually miss it. The irony of it all. I am a walking contradiction.
Missing my poly days. Suddenly feeling like so much time has passed and so many things have changed.
More particularly, i miss the friendships, the intensity of life and the motivation to keep going.
When did life become so serious? I'm tired. Need a break, clear my mind and re-assess my goals.
Think work is putting things into perspective, giveing me some clarity. Good or bad, i'm not sure.
Meme! Because i'm sian and pocrastinating from more important things.
***********FOOD-OLOGY***************
What is your choice of salad dressing ? Caesers or Ranch. That's only if i HAD tohave salad.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Erm, this is a difficult question. I like most Jap restaurants.
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it? Hmm. I think Grilld Ham and Cheese sandwhich. Strange. I never thought it would be that.
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Cheese, some form of meat no onions or capsicum.
What do you like to put on your toast? Egg and cheese.
**********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many television sets are in your house? 1 in the perth house and 2 in the singapore house.
what color of cell phone do you have? A white one and a black one.
***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed? I am a common righty.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Only hair and teeth.
What is the last heavy item you lifted? Large pot of soup.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No. I hope i never will be.
************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************
If it is possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope. Too much pressure.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I like my name. I really do.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Depends on how broke i am.
************DUMBOLOGY******************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Erm... 2? 3? No. I think 6... no. Hmm. I don't know.
When is the last time you had a run-in with the cops? Not once i can think of.
Last person you talked to? Leenie.
Last person you hugged? Er. Hmm. Huifu?
**************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season? It's got to be winter. Autumn is good too. As long as it's cold.
Holiday? I enjoyed Melborne with Nat, NYC with jac and Japan with my sisters the most.
Day of the week? Friday i think. Can stay out late and sleep in on saturday!
Month? Which ever month i'm not doing anything.
***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************
Missing someone? Always.
Mood? Sian.
What are you listening to? The TV in the background.
Watching? TV in the background.
Worrying about? Prac, sending my car for servicing.
***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning? Uni. Dammit.
What's the last movie you saw? Er. Hmm. I don't remember. Slumdog millonaire i guess. Or maybe it was New in Town.
***************QUESTIONS***************
1)Do you always answer your phone? Yes. If i hear it ring.
2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Prolly ling or dennis. No many of my friends are nocturnal.
3) If you could change your eye color what would it be? Grey or blue.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Heh? No idea what sonic is.
5) Do you own a digital camera? Technically yes. But i haven't use it in YEARS. Not a photographer nor a model.
6) Have you ever had a pet fish? Yes. Fighting fish.
7) Favorite Christmas song? Erm.... they're mostly all annoying.
8) What's on your wish list for your birthday? A Bachelors in OT, World Peace, Money... many things.
9) Can you do push ups? Yes. Good training from band during sec school.
10) Can you do a chin up? Never tried. But i don't think so.
11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Nervous.
12) Do you have any saved texts? Of course.
13) Ever been in a car wreck? Yes... unfotunately. More times than i'd like.
14) Do you have an accent? Everyone does.
15) What is the last song to make you cry? I've not cried because of a song. Shows do it for me.
16) Plans tonight? Deny my existence, then sleep.
17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Nah. It's never that bad.
18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week: Groceries, petrol, uni parking permit.
19) Have you ever been given roses? Yes. Couple of times.
20) Current worry? Didn't you ask me this already? Pay attention!
21) Current hate right now? Uni.
22) Met someone who changed your life? Yes. Not sure if it's in a good way
23) How did you bring in the New Year? Eating, eating and eating.
24) What song represents you? Hmm. Don't think there is one. I'm too complex for a single song. Hmm. Or maybe Love or Labels?
25) Name three people who might complete this? No one really. I'm just pocrastinting.
26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Watching Hyun Joong. He's soooooooo cute. I like. Hee hee hee.
27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I hate uni.
Being in Perth just doesn't agree with me. Argh! Miss home already!
Gosh. My blog is seriously dusty and growing spiderwebs. Think it's about time i wrote something, though nothing entertaining as happened.
Well, first things first, I'm back in Perth and not liking it at all. It's hot and sunny and the days go by too quick. I'm finidng it difficult to get things done. I try to do the same amount of things here as in Singapore, but strangely, it just never gets done. For some weird reason, the sandman just follows me around here all the time. I'm sleepy even when i just wake up. Just permanantly sleepy! Not fun. Not fun at all.
Something interesting though. Leenie's friend Teddy has been hanging out with us a little bit these days. He amuses me. I don't know why he's so entertaining, think i haven't been exposed to cute young boys in a long time that's why. Now i know why Seo InYoung in We Got Married loves FRESH boys. Haha. They're just so cute larh. Haha. Teddy's half Jap and have Yogoslavian. He's freakishly tall, standing (when straight) at 188.5 cm and is 19 years old this year. He's got a bit of a baby face, but a really manly, low, resonating voice which sometimes weirds me out. He comes over for dinner and only ever sit in one corner of my house ON THE FLOOR. He is able to do this for 4 hours straight. I don't know why, but I'm so amused by him! Maybe it really is as how InYoung says, FRESH BOYS!
*Disclaimer: I do NOT have pedophillic tendecies*
In anycase, uni starts tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Some of the venues that class is being conducted in are not even on campus! I don't know why i have to pay so much school fees! I think i should look into it. It's ridiculous to pay 24k a year for 4 weeks of class! Something must be wrong! After this week of uni, it's full on prac for 7 weeks. Despite all the extra cost (petrol, parking), hopefully it will go well. I need it to go well, so that i will not fail and will be allowed to graduate this freaking year. Enough of this uni shit!
Also, God has blessed be very richly. I have been offered a job with the National Health Group (Singapore) upon graduation. I have signed a provisional offer. Even though the money isn't great, I'm glad i don't have to do the whole job hunting thing.
Ah!!!! Please just let me graduate this year!!
I really really want to go to Japan/ New York for a holiday. Like really really really. I need time/ friends/ money. But since i have none of the above, i shall just do this meme cause i am bored and not wanting to study for my exam. I really really really really wanna go.
My teacher once said that: If you fail your maths, you will not amount to anything in future. Well. Kiss my ass bitch.
Never in my life have I regretted: going to poly and leading the life i have led/ am leading.
The people who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile: It's quite hard to drive me nuts. I have an annoying "couldn't care less" attitude.
When i'm nervous: I get hot flushes, butterflies in my stomach, get really sweaty, try to compensate by talking too much and my singaporean accent gets really thick.
The last time i laughed (until i cried) was: I don't remember. Is that bad?
My hair is: Too long, too thick and out of shape.
My feet are: Ginormous and very white.
Last christmas: Was dull and forgettable cause i cannot remember what i did.
When i turn my head left, i see: The past 22 years of my life.
When i turn my head right, i see: A black hole of nothingness.
When i look down, i see: Table.
The craziest recent event was: Not sleeping for days and hanging out with the gang. Was the best time of my life.
If you make me really happy: It'd be a really nice change.
Where do you plan to visit anytime soon: Japan, New York, home, bed.
Boys are: Stupid. Irrelevant. Redundant. Full of shit.
I'd stop my wedding if: Anything bad/ unexpected happened.
The world could do without: Violence, prejudice, weapons, exams, assignments.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Be left alone with snakes/ spiders.
Most recent thing you've bought yourself: Pajamies.
Most recent thing someone else bought you: Leenie bought me lunch today.
My least favourite time of the day is: The time i ahve to wake up and the time i have to go to uni.
The last time i was high: I did something stupid and it scarred me for life.
The last person i talked to told me: That she didn't want to go to Japan with me anymore.
Last night: Nice and lazy. Just the way i like it.
There's this girl i know who: Who will love me no matter what.
There's this guy i know who: Who will love me no matter what.
I'll tell the next person who makes me really happy: I'm so glad you're in my life.
I'm listening to: Herbie, playing on TV in the background.
I last ate: Half a slice of cake.
My bedsheet is: Dirty and needs a change.
I smell: Nail polish cause i just painted my nails.
On my table, i have: A printer, wires and cables, stationery box, paper, laptop and books.
My full name is: Bak Jing Ting Dawn and i love it. =)
I really really really wanna go to Japan and New York. Why is money so hard to come by? Dammit.
Looking at his photos today, i realised that i no longer love him. I don't even remember him that well anymore. Only the hurt he caused.
Goodbye Mr Big. You big blardy arsehole.
